


Bearable Weight of Ink

by Andil



Series: Weight of Love [3]
Category: Boruto: Naruto Next Generations, Naruto
Genre: F/M, M/M, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:46:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 54,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26451319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andil/pseuds/Andil
Summary: The continuation of The Unbearable Weight of Sand and leaves:Kisarei and Gaara deal with the changes in their life and try to figure out what comes next.  A new baby, looming wedding, the past catching up to them makes everything harder.  Not to mention the still-present threat of those who want Naruto and whatever remains of him gone.
Relationships: Gaara/Uzumaki Naruto
Series: Weight of Love [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/753078
Comments: 19
Kudos: 26





	1. Exaustion Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> First, this is the beginning of the third part of the Weight of Love series, starting with Sand then Leaves. 
> 
> I am finally back! It took a short forever, and my life feels like crazy but I at least have been able to set up my new writing workspace so I can work beyond my phone again. It's been a crazy year. I lost a cousin, I got a promotion at my job, met my boyfriend who had covid19 at the beginning (Eek) and am still in process of renovating the house I bought from my parents. I have no intentions of giving this story up, and fully plan on finishing all 5 parts of this as well as a series of short stories before moving it to original fiction. I am not sure when I will have time to get to making any kind of cover for this, but hopefully sometime in the next month as more of my house projects finish up. I hope everyone is doing well, and I hope you enjoy the next part of the story!
> 
> As always, comments/reviews serve to inspire :D

** Gaara **

My entire body felt stiff. I was tired, I needed rest and I had no desire to. There's no time for it. I took a deep breath, scanned the pile of folders on my desk, and rubbed one of my eyes. Nearly half a year's worth of back issues needing to be resolved lay in wait for me. I made it a quarter way through the pile, but it stagnated within the last few days due to new issues and preparatory work for the next meeting. This time the meeting was with a foreign dignitary not of our region. A dignitary I've never dealt with before, which made the preparatory work more intense than usual. The prospect of trade near our eastern border was compelling not only to myself but both councils as well, making this a priority over the backlog of minor issues.

Under normal circumstances, I would have no issue with the amount of work I needed to do. Perhaps it would be an annoyance due to the sheer amount but I enjoyed keeping myself busy. However, in these circumstances, the workload was beyond exhausting. I have an odd affinity towards this sort of work, but for the first time in years, I felt overwhelmed. I had roughly two daily outings with Kisarei along with the preparations for my marriage to her whilst not letting her in on anything going on. I was attempting to exact the ridiculous list the council gave for me so I could go through with said marriage. Not only did I have to work on my personal life, but there was also the stockpile of back work and the preparations from the visit as well as four weekly meetings.

I was ready for a rest. There wasn't time to rest.

I pinched the bridge of my nose, blinked moisture back into my eyes then took a deep breath and decided once again rest of any kind is overrated. I could breathe and allow my body to rejuvenate after I married Kisarei. Only two more weeks of staying awake. As long as my son returned in time.

My heart twisted in my chest as images of him dealing with an onslaught similar to the one I experienced when Kisarei first arrived floated through my mind. I opened the next folder as I cleared my throat to cover up the emotion attached to the thought. Financial tax and collections: Southern Gate Area C. This was better to focus on than my impending marriage and missing son at the moment.

I began to scan through the documents inside. All were small proposals, yet nothing notable enough to matter much beyond being a waste of time and a distraction from my current train of thought. They asked permission to relocate funds from road repair and add a small addition to taxes within the community to help build a better garden. This seemed reasonable enough and the road repairs in the area, according to the report, were already inspected and marked as fully functional. A single year of relocating a portion of funds would do nothing to harm the road budget due to the lack of need in repairs. I grabbed my quill and signed the proposal, placed it back into the folder, and stacked it into the box for council review. If there were any issues, I would see it again.

I hoped I wouldn't. I felt conflicted between my obsessive desire to work and my obsession with the woman I was to marry soon. Every time I attempted to focus on my work, all I could think about was the woman. Every time I attempted to focus on the woman all I could think about was work. The back and forth was beginning to irritate me.

Would this ever become easier? I placed the quill back into the bottle, closed my eyes, and took a deep breath. Tonight I had another scheduled outing with my betrothed. Honestly, I barely had time to address my list of things to prepare for let alone keep track of all the things left to do. What was left on it again? Two weeks. Two more major outings between the dinners and lunches deemed by the council. I saved the worst for last, I remembered this. I didn't want to think about it. I couldn't think about it. I rubbed my eyes again as a familiar tingling numb settled in my mind.

I needed rest. I couldn't rest. I had things I needed to finish so I could marry Kisarei. I looked to my pile of work and let out a breath. I didn't have time for anything beyond my workloads on both fronts. I wanted to rest, yes, in fact, my body was beginning to demand it. My earlier focus on her brought on this mountain of work since the imbeciles within the laws office decided only to push the most important matters my way during the whole ordeal and sat on the rest. The rest which could easily have been handled by said people in the laws office.

Sand crawled down my arms and hovered up around my body as I remembered the reason they had not. By the order of the council. I couldn't help but wonder if they wanted me to snap. Give up on the technical courtship of Kisarei so I could finish the backlog, I'm sure this was their wayward reasoning behind it. I would sooner kill the ones responsible for this mess in the council and just marry her anyway. A sickening shiver boiled up from my middle and I couldn't stop the smile from forming.

Imbed sand into their spines and force them into a charade so the public wouldn't know any different than what they saw and then disintegrate them all once the deed was done. A laugh escaped my mouth and I covered it with my hand, but the laugh continued. I could deal with the backlash from the disappearance of the entire elder council. A pulse of excitement flowed through me. I could do it. I could kill them, all of them. I allowed the sand to whip around my body as I played with the idea. I could feel their warmth, I could make them scream and ask for mercy. The hand covering my mouth traveled upward, embedded into my hair and I leaned into it.

I focused on the dot carved into my desk. Focus. My entire body shook and I forced the sand back into place over my skin. Killing others who are not technically enemies wasn't good and I shouldn't do it.

Besides, I couldn't face her if I went through with it.

In fact, she's the only reason at this point I hadn't already murdered any members of the council and even though I knew I shouldn't entertain the idea at all, I kept debating which one I would kill first. Would it be the one who sent my son away or the one who made this ridiculous backlog? Perhaps the one who finalized the list of demands toward my marriage. My muscles tensed as the tickle in my stomach returned and the sand shifted on my body again as I tried to calm my own nerves. I opened the next folder, my mind remaining on more personal issues. Did they expect me to give up on Rei? I would sooner drop Kimi off of a balcony in a place sand did not dwell than not actively pursue keeping my Naruto forever.

Naruto.

I stared at the paper in front of me, which began to blur.

Kisarei. Keeping my Kisarei. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

Perhaps I should give in and take a few hours to rest before that name slipped past me beyond thought. I'd existed for years successfully without any rest at all while I dealt with housing Shukaku in my body, why couldn't I seem to manage two small months? I flipped over the paper, revealing an oddly weighted folder. I frowned, opened it, and revealed an envelope taped to the inside.

Gaara

What was this? My name scrolled on the front in fancy letters, a handwriting far too familiar to me. I hovered my hand over it a moment, gathering the nerve to investigate the envelope further. My throat tightened, enough to threaten to cut off my air. Before I could talk myself out of addressing it, I removed the envelope from the tape on the paper with careful precision. I flipped it over. The seal on the back was exactly the one I suspected it to be considering the writing on the front. She'd dictated letters to me in the past, though this one I was certain came directly from her. Above the seal was the mark of Konoha, and the seal itself was one I saw many times before. Hyuuga.

It graced the back of every letter I received from Naruto ever since he married into the family. He used their seal on everything he sent my way. Including postcards which I still found to be an amusing oddity.

I could recall his explanation, the huge smile on his face as he said it. Hey, I have a family crest so why not use it? I could never get through to him postcards weren't the type of thing which needed a wax seal. My fingers traced my lips and the slight smile the thought brought on. I took a breath and returned my attention to the thing which bore the crest now. Since the usual culprit currently resided in my own personal residence and no longer could use the crest, it only left one person who'd write to me using this seal. The one whose fancy and clean lettering occasionally adorned more formal letters to me on a personal level.

Hinata. I had sent a letter to her a while back requesting something for my wife, yet I had no desire to interact with the woman. I held it in my hand a moment while I resisted the urge to toss the paper into the garbage and instead set it on the desk. I tried to force myself to swallow, though it barely helped the tightness in my throat. Why was this not brought to me sooner? I decided would rather procrastinate before opening it. I pressed the button under my desk and waited for a runner to come.

Within minutes the door opened revealing a boy I didn't recognize. "Position." I choked on the word as I forced it from mouth not realizing before the tightness in my throat would show through. I focused on keeping my face a complete blank, hoping the hoarseness in my voice would be attributed to my antisocial nature. If this boy were to point out my discomfort with what was in front of me, I wasn't sure I would be able to control my less than professional tendencies.

He rattled off his name and position per protocol, but I only demanded it for show. At least I believe it's what he did, the timbre to his voice indicated it's what he did, I wasn't paying him any real attention. I did notice he mentioned he was a genin. I think. Fair. There were many assignments for genin which revolved around being a runner for the councils here within the main tower. I gave a slow nod, hoping he hadn't caught my distraction. I removed the folder the envelope was in and held it out for him. The only marking on the thing was a small red stamp left underneath where the envelope was taped, one I did not recognize. "I desire for you to go to the mailroom and inquire of the origin of this marking. I also want to know why they deemed letter attached to it so unimportant they mixed into a folder I would not see for months." I was halfway certain half of what I said was inaudible, but the boy could figure it out, I was sure.

The boy took it, then stilled once he had it in hand. I stared at him, and he returned the stare. What was he waiting for?

I folded my hands and continued my stare. What was this child doing? I waited for another minute or so before my curiosity on his silent presence became more present than my irritation at his presence. I tilted my head and was about to ask him why he remained when a look of panic passed over his features. The boy muttered a quick apology then dashed out of the room.

I stared after him a moment after he slammed the door shut behind him. Strange. I sighed before looking back down to the envelope I took from the folder. I traced my fingers over the indented wax on the back of it. A slight pain formed in my chest. I frowned. I would never receive one of these from Naruto again. Why would it matter? The entire notion was a silly sentiment and entirely unnecessary. I was marrying Kisarei, as long as the council approved. I felt baffled at the sense of loss to Naruto's letters. He was she and she was going to be mine. I blinked my eyes a few times to remove the numb feeling from my mind. This must be a side effect of needing rest.

I traced over the wax again, consciously procrastinating on opening it. The council had not yet responded to my inquiries. Two weeks until the two-month mark for their list of demands. The courtship process was almost done. The outings, the announcement, and parading myself around in the traditional courting clothes of the old family. I didn't mind this aspect of the outings with her, I enjoyed performing the traditions personally. I was used to being watched by everyone, and with every outing more of Suna came to watch. I could tell she was starting to get uncomfortable with how many people crowded around just beyond our vicinity to gawk at her. The woman who was to become the Lady of Suna. The outings reached every news source in Suna, tales of previous encounters, and speculated details of when and where the Lady was next to appear. Recordings of everything she did while she was out in public, of speculations on her personality and her background. How she would be once married to me and how she would be with the people of Suna.

There were also discussions on the fact not one person had yet to see her walk. With the eventual arrival of Sakura, I was sure this one thing would be fixed. Everything we were going through was a trial, I knew. I knew it would be hard and tedious. I knew they would test her as well. I knew what they wanted. They wanted to bring back traditions I personally was incapable of bringing forth. I knew they were jumping at the chance to revive the old ways of Suna through Kisarei, even if she herself had no idea what any of the traditions were.

I sighed. It was going to continue to be difficult. The coming days were going to test my resolve. I shifted in my chair wanting to push the thoughts creeping into mind away. If juggling this backlog and finishing off their ridiculous list was what it took for them to approve my marriage officially, then so be it. I'd gladly do it all again if I had to. I would find the repetitiveness highly annoying and might have to kill something, but I would comply.

Probably.

I passed my thumb over the wax seal again, clenched my jaw, and then popped it open. I pushed the paper fold upward, let out a slow breath then pulled the small piece of paper from it. My heart raced. I remembered well what I wrote her over a month ago and while I felt irritated she ignored my letter, I wasn't looking forward to whatever her reply would be. What was her choice? I didn't want to know. I needed to know. I opened it.

I stared at the message inside. Short, simple, and to the point, similar to how mine had been.

Lord Kazekage,

I will come with Sakura when she returns with your son after the mission.

-Lady Hinata Hyuuga

My stomach twisted when I reached the end of the note, causing a sour backwash to rise up into my throat. Hyuuga. I reread the name a few more times then crumpled the offending piece of paper in my hands. She removed Uzumaki from her name. Annulled. She gave him to me.

Mine.

It still didn't mean she had to remove his name from hers as though she threw him away. For the rest of the world, Naruto Uzumaki was killed in battle. His name would be an honor, instead...

The sand agitated within my hands and soon the paper dissolved into it. Gone. I didn't care. It held no real information. I folded my fingers around the sand which now included the dissolved note and held it into a fist. If she wanted to eradicate his name from hers, then so be it. What she chose to do was no concern of mine now Kisarei is mine.

I leaned back into my chair.

How could she just erase him like this? I growled at my own thoughts, annoyed it bothered me as much as it did. It doesn't matter.

The memory of her anger flashed through my mind. This whole situation was her own fault. She gave him to me. She was the one who made our marriage, our daughter possible by her deception. She had no right to be angry when she was the one at fault for Naruto nearly dying by giving him the wish in the first place.

She should have kept his name.

It doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter. I have my Kimi, my Kisarei. But...

The sand sliding down my body and floating in the air around me betrayed my inability to let it go. I opened my fist and pushed the sand seated within upward in a swirl. Whoever set it aside was correct after all. The message itself was of utter unimportance. I packed the sand down into a firm, solid ball, and shot it forward, lodging it firmly into the wall before releasing it.

"Hyuuga." My voice cracked with the name, but I needed to say it aloud for a reason unknown to me. I studied the new hole in the wall where the sand which encased the remnants of the note was embedded. I'll have to patch it in, leave it there for eternity.

I felt the need to destroy something else. Not enough. I wanted more. I wanted to crush something, move something, go somewhere. My muscles twitched at the thought of blood and the sand floating around my body became more erratic in a violent show of my personal emotion.

I shoved myself away from my desk and went to the window having a sudden need for fresh air. I forced the errant sand back to my body and opened the window. I could feel it crawl across my skin rather than stay still for my armor. I took a deep breath, allowing the hot dry air of the desert to fill my lungs.

Logically I knew it wasn't Hinata, or the council and their ridiculous demands of me which were making my nerves get the better of me. The letter only reminded me of Konoha. Konoha reminded me of both my upcoming nuptials and the simple fact my son wasn't home.

Shinki.

The acid rose back up into my throat and the city before me blurred. I still hadn't heard from either him or Temari since they left Konoha. What was taking them so long? I didn't like this silence. I wanted them to return, I wanted them back. Two months. Two months and my marriage would be either denied or approved by the council. I was a week away from this decision and two weeks away from when the ceremony would take place should the council approve it.

I was not going to have my wedding without my son or my sister present, no matter their decision, it wouldn't feel right. My vision blurred further and I turned from the window. The memory of killing Shinki surfaced in my memory and I felt cold. His body bleeding out, how he became so still in front of my eyes. They would take advantage of his heart, his desire to protect others. He was only sixteen, he needed... He needed to--

I couldn't breathe. No. I wasn't going to think about it. I would not allow a world where my son would die so early in his life. I wouldn't.

I needed out. I needed air. I reached out, allowing the sand to work for me, unlatching the other side of the window and opening it. My hair fell out of place and I pushed it back up before staring at the window sill. I couldn't stay here anymore. I couldn't breathe. I wanted to go home. I needed to. I didn't care if anyone saw me, I was going to jump.

The door to my office opened as I moved up to the ledge of the large window. I looked behind me to see the boy I sent out for the information. We stared at each other a moment, a slight amusement passing through me at the idea this boy was about to watch his Kazekage deadfall from the window. I turned from him and stepped up onto the sill.

"Wait, I got an answer." The boy's voice hitched, but I did not turn back to face him. He cleared his throat, apparently determined to finish his small mission. "I, you see, he said-"

I stopped him before he stuttered out the rest of the answer by holding up one of my hands. At this moment, I did not care. The note was nothing more than a simple warning with no answers. "Write down what you are about to say and leave it on my desk." I steeled my shoulders and turned back around, twirling on the ball of my foot on the window sill. I folded my arms and studied the boy a moment. "It will be in your best interest if you learn not to stammer when talking to those above your position." Before he could respond I leaned backward until my body was no longer centered and used the sand to push me out just enough to separate myself from the building. I closed my eyes and allowed the sensation to take over my body, the tingling rush which filled my limbs. Air pushed the fabric of my clothes up around me. I flipped around mid-air tangling my clothes around my body and forcing breath back into my lungs.

I closed my eyes and allowed the ticklish sensation of falling to take hold. My arms drifted out my sides and soon a familiar roar erupted beneath me. Sand gathered around my limbs and torso, slowing my body from its freefall from my office. I opened my eyes to the sight of sand swirling around my body and focused on righting myself. I landed on my feet and began to walk home. I paid little attention to the bystanders who noticed my stunt and reacted by either running, screaming, or staring at me. It didn't matter. What mattered was getting home, getting away, getting my worry from my mind, and focusing on other more important things.

Things which pertained to tonight's outing, which I didn't want to think about. I sent for another dress for Kisarei, which should have already arrived at my residence. The thought of her wearing it made my stomach erupt in the strange ticklish feeling I was starting to attribute to anticipation. A different sort of anticipation from the one I felt from battle, meetings, or travel. One which plagued me randomly since accepting Naruto's existence and one which always made itself clear in his presence not long after he kept me from giving into being assassinated.

I felt my lip twitch upward. The memory was a welcome thought, a pleasant distraction from my increasing workload and worry. I entered my house and ignored the growing number of servants in my house, all appointed by the council. A housekeeper, a cook, a maid, and a house-servant. All of them were unnecessary albeit needed for the revival of tradition.

You wanted to revive the traditions, didn't you Lord Gaara?

I grit my teeth at the remembered retort from the liaison of the elder council and knew I had no choice in it. Arguing about what traditions I thought were important versus the ones I did not would have began a large debate. If the council disagreed with me, they still had the power to retract my marriage proposal out of sheer spite.

I paused a moment, then started up the stairs with a soft inward groan. Another annoyance. If I had my way, I would be out of this place by the time we were traditionally married. Though their slow pace made me think it would be later than I hoped for. I had no desire to deal with the worry associated with the ridiculous amount of stairs in my house when it came to my future wife and child. I dealt with them since becoming Kazekage though their existence was my own fault. I had the chance to insist on a move, but my siblings were happy where they were. I hated this place and its constant reminder of my father, but to them, it was a beloved memory of our parents. Just because my father was a monster to me, did not mean he was to them. Who was I to take such a memory away?


	2. Exhaustion Part 2

**Gaara**

A crackling sounded to my side and the bar where I steadied myself gave way. Breath caught in my throat as I caught my balance. I looked down to find the spot of railing where I had my hand was missing. I opened my palm and started to pick the splinters of the shattered railing out of the sand covering it. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I needed to take a moment to rest, to calm down.

A moment I did not have. My stomach turned as I remembered which two outings I left for the end. I did not desire either of them, and I knew which of the two I was looking forward to the least. Which meant this was the outing I knew would affect Kisarei the most. I was not looking forward to going out today. Yet, I was. I felt conflicted about my emotions and I didn't want to focus on them. In fact, I would prefer to be absent from today's outing. I was fairly positive Kisarei would figure out a way to make me pay for my absence if she were to go alone, however.

Maybe I could get away with using a clone and watch using my--

Something knocked on my shoulder ending my train of thought and forcing my sand to shift and raise off my body, ready to lash out at the intrusion. It took only a second for me to realize who was trying to get my attention. I stiffened my back, glad I hadn't reacted to the point of actually lashing out, but annoyed at the same moment. I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone, even him. "Kankuro." My throat felt scratchy, his name hard for me to say. I lifted my head and lowered my shoulders, turning so I faced him, careful not to show anything on my face.

He studied me a moment before shoving his hands into his pockets and leaning back against the wall. "Gaara in my opinion, if it matters, isn't it better we just contact the council and tell them this outing they planned is pure idiocy? They can't seriously think we would go through with it."

Without a word, I pulled enough sand off of my shoulder to remove his hand. I pushed past him and continued my journey upstairs. Talking was pointless.

"Come on, Gaara." He mustn't have taken the hint of my desire for silence. "Even you know this one's ridiculous. All they are trying to do is goad you. Make you do shit you would never actually do and this one," there was a pounding on the wall, "this one isn't even about you."

The words he spoke were true and I stilled my motion, the acid once again rising in my throat. I was going to have to face this. I was going to have to deal with the backlash this particular outing was going to cause. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Even though I knew what he said was truth, I also felt to them this outing was about me. I turned back in his direction, staring forward, thankful we weren't the same height so I didn't have to make eye contact with him. Isn't it? I attempted to say it, but no words would come, my mouth refusing to obey my own commands. This task was about me, their way of exacting a form of revenge on my younger self. I knew it the moment I saw the task in the list of official weekly outings. It's why I postponed it. Why I wanted to forget it was there. Why I left it next to last so we could end with something I personally dreaded but knew she would love.

They knew the way to hurt me, was to hurt her. I felt the sand on my skin crawl again. I didn't want to think about this. I looked down at Kankuro's shoes and clenched my fist. They had deep cracks formed around the sides made from caked-on dirt to the point the original color would only be a guess. A deep breath through my nose. "You need new shoes."

A groan. "My shoes are fine. I get it, you want something else to think about. What about next week's task? Where are we going for that one?"

With a flick of my finger, I shut him up by plastering his mouth shut with a thick muzzle of sand. I growled. While I wanted to go out with her, I was avoiding the destination. Putting the last task off was an understatement, avoiding it like the plague would be closer to the reality of it. It might be why they hadn't officially started working on dates for my wedding yet, why they were postponing the work order for our new house.

The last outing. Once I proved I would go through with it, I would push them to sign my work order. This alone would set the date for my wedding back.

"What the hell is it that you won't even tell me?"

I tilted my head at him. Overall the list contained things I would want to take her to anyway. We went to the gardens, the local theater, and to the lookout vantage as the highlights. I had already gone to the precise amount of dinner and lunch outings which left only the two outings I still had to face. I felt the blood drain from my body and a small feeling of cold consumed me. My balance failed me and I leaned on the wall of the corridor. I had no desire to fulfill either of the last outings. My mouth went dry as I thought about what else I had to do. "There are two landmarks left on the list they supplied me." I didn't want to say.

"You never told me what the last one was."

I swallowed and looked up at him. The one place which I couldn't bring myself to go in my own country.

I must have let my emotion show and his face darkened. "The underground."

Sand peeled away from my skin and moved to hold me upright. I wanted to forget. I took a deep, shaking breath. He was correct, the underground would be last. I was not ready for it. I needed Temari for it. I needed to--

"Did they specify where?"

I looked back down to his chest, not trusting my voice, thankful we had such a drastic height difference.

"They didn't specify, huh?" Another question I would leave unanswered. I felt grateful he was able to interpret my silences into answers he deemed he needed.

My heart began to race as I contemplated going down there. I went down there before when I ordered Kisarei's necklace. I could do it again. Couldn't I? Kankuro would be enough to help keep me calm, wouldn't he?

"You know you should take her to her restaurant down there. Would make up for today."

I continued to stare at his chest. I looked up where they decided to put the place after they accepted Suna as a suitable location, and was appalled by the location. The restaurant opened deep enough in the underground it would take a half-hour of walking to reach the destination from the Southern Gate. While it would be a good way to make up for today's outing, it wasn't plausible and I didn't want to think about it, at least not yet. I changed the subject. "Shinki should have at least sent some sort of communication by now." Pain erupted in my chest, a tremble started in my shoulders, and pressure formed around my entire torso. Saying it aloud only made it more real to me, the possibility he was in trouble. This was not a subject I should have turned to. My worry came back, slamming into me all at once now I had voiced it.

Kankuro returned his hands to my shoulders and squeezed after giving me a firm, single shake. "He is fine. I know it, Gaara, he's going to come back."

I turned my head from him and went to push his hand from me again when I thought better of it. Avoiding it only made it worse. I think. I turned my body away, certain if I were to look at him, I would lose the nerve to speak. "When?" I wanted to say more. He was to be back before I am wed. I have heard nothing. "Kankuro," I've heard nothing. I knew I only mouthed the last words. I kept my voice low. I wasn't good at voicing personal issues, I wasn't sure where to start. The more time passed, the more it plagued me he was gone.

He removed his hand from my shoulder and as I was about to turn, arms came up around my torso, his hands in fists just under my rib cage. My breath caught from the unexpected action. Soon, his grip on my body tightened, forcing me to strengthen the sand below the grip. He was silent, his grip strong and his head rested on the top of mine. I could feel the tension start to leave my shoulders at the gesture.

I took a deep breath and after a moment of continued silence, I decided to speak. "Kankuro." I didn't want to look at the time. I knew I wanted to speak to him, but I had things to do. I needed to get ready for this outing no matter how much I wasn't looking forward to it.

The indoor training grounds. It would be filled with ninja hopefuls.

The trembling returned with more intensity. Why would they do this to her? I wasn't allowed to explain. My breath failed me. Disaster. Tonight would be a disaster. My son could be dead. So could my sister. There was still someone out there who likely wanted my wife dead and possibly my daughter in connection. Someone who knew how to kill me and without interference would have been successful in removing my entire family from existence. Someone who would give me no reason to stray from becoming the monster I strove to be in my childhood. The familiar tickle of blood-lust hit me, the memory of the loss of life.

The memory of me killing my own son in error.

I went numb. A loss of breath followed the numb. I opened my mouth, nothing. My body tensed. A slight breath wheezed in before my throat clamped shut and I fought against his grip, trying to grab at my own throat. I can't breathe. I can't, I can't-- Sand exploded from my body and the walls around us then started to circle around me.

"Shit." There was more pressure on my chest as I fought to catch my breath. "Gaara, breathe, damn it. What the hell?" His voice muffled within the growing roar of sand around us.

Can't breathe.

I clawed at my own throat, scraping the sand there with my fingers, peeling it off piece by piece. I felt a small, sharp pain as I continued to peel off the sand and a high pitched wheeze escaped me. Kankuro's arms tightened and I realized he had pulled me backward to the ground and I was lying on top of him.

"Listen to me Gaara, you ass." His voice sounded panicked, his breath in my ear. "You haven't come this far to lose it now, you hear me? I'm not Temari, I've never been good at getting you out of this, but you need to fucking breathe."

Breathe. I can't. His grip wasn't helping, I worked at prying them off of me but I couldn't get my sand to respond to me. It floated above us, whipping around as though it were irritated at something. Without being able to control it, he was stronger than I was, and moving only made the panic rise more. I whimpered as I tried to calm myself down and focused on air. Nothing was coming. I needed to breathe. I pulled harder on his hands, frantic in the need to get away from him, to get air.

I needed to get away. I needed to find Shinki. I needed to-- A sharp pain ebbed out from where Kankuro's hands met on my chest. My back arched and my throat opened on its own. I brought my hands up to my neck and grasped it as air forced its way into my lungs.

He said something, but I couldn't understand it. My chest hurt. My neck hurt. What was going on?

"Focus on something." This time he yelled it into my ear and I understood.

Another breath of air forced its way into my body. A small shock followed and my body convulsed. What was happening? I struggled against him, but he gripped me even tighter.

"Focus." He stressed the word and another breath.

It hurt. It was painful. It was still air. There was nothing to focus on. Nothing. I let a cry out, feeling the onset of panic rising in my chest again. Another forced breath followed by a small whimper. A shadow came in front of me, then, a pen. I forced my gaze to settle on the object. Noise surrounded me I was sure was voices but I couldn't decipher what was being said. Clear my mind. Focus. I needed to focus. I stared at the object and bit by tiny bit I felt my own breath return. The grip on my body loosened and I allowed myself to slump over on the floor. I trembled, and soon the voices cleared from just noise in my mind.

"--happen often?" A girl. Familiar. I tilted my head up enough to see who was talking. Yumi. The girl who I allowed in my house. Because of Shinki. A pain in my chest, another wheeze. I raised my hands up to my hair and gripped it. I tugged at it. Pain. I bit the inside of my cheek. I felt the jolt of pain but it didn't clear my mind, so I bit harder. Soon, I could taste my own blood and I trembled from the taste of it. Pain. My own pain. It filled my mouth and begun to seep out and I let it. I let it drip down to the ground and I watched as the red substance pooled beneath me drip by drip. I reached out and I touched it, the warmth hitting the bare skin of my fingers. I think I bit too hard.

I heard an expletive and fabric tearing. Something blocked the sight of the blood, a patch of fabric catching the red drips before they hit the floor. "Here."

I looked up to the girl in front of me, surprised to see what either was pity or concern on her face. Why would she care? I grabbed the fabric and held it to my mouth, then looked away from her. Of all the people to see me like this, it had to be the girl Shinki became enthralled with?

"Hey, thanks for that." Kankuro's voice was soft, tired sounding.

"My Grandmother used to get them before she passed."

I looked back up at the girl as she spoke, attempting to control my sand, which merely pulsed at my desire. I set my jaw, irritated by its refusal to obey me.

The girl continued, "Probably something to do with--"

She was close enough I could use my own hand to make her stop talking. I clamped my fingers around her mouth. I knew the name she was about to say. Nobuo. A name I didn't want to think about just yet. Not with everything else going on right now.

"Don't." The word scratched my throat as I spoke it.

Her eyes remained focused on me as she nodded.

I waited a moment, then removed my hand from her mouth. I cringed when I noticed my fingerprints remained on her face, the remnants of my own blood on my hands. The girl stayed staring at me and I closed my eyes to clear my mind. I breathed in through my nose. I willed my sand to me, and this time it obeyed me. I let out a small breath and brought it to my hand, then back to her face. She shrunk away from me, Kankuro let out my name, but I ignored the sounds. I moved the sand to the blood, I picked it away from her face, cleansing her skin. I dropped my hand to my side and the sand containing the remnants of my blood with it. I studied the girl's face. How much she resembled her uncle was truly uncanny. Her face was a little red from the sand scrub, but there didn't seem to be any scrapes from my cleaning.

My mind played a trick on me. When she smiled as she touched her scrubbed skin, I swear her face changed to Nobuo's. My body stiffened. A small memory of him hovering over me, that exact smile on his face flooded my senses. Hey, what book do you want me to read today? Then, blood, pouring out of his mouth, from his back. I looked down at my hands, the memory of his blood soaking through my clothes, embedded into the sand covering my hands.

I felt my body tremble. "Get away." I whispered it, staring at my hands. The sand shield hardened in place on them, my own blood mixed into it this time.

I heard the girl head up the stairs. Up? I clenched my hands and looked in her direction. I didn't care anymore. Anything I wasn't capable of doing for Nobuo, I would do for her. I would protect her. From myself, if I needed to.

Kankuro gave a small grunt. "So, you mind telling me what that was about?"

"What part?"

"All of it."

No. I ignored the question and pulled the sand beneath me so I could shift backward until my back was against the wall. Nobuo was still my secret, one I knew I needed to let go of, especially to this girl. I wasn't ready to let it go yet. Not now. Not until I was able to have Sakura examine him.

I sat in silence, allowing my breath and heartbeat to catch back up to me. "I tried working out the possible reactions to tonight." Change the subject. Somehow tonight's outing no longer seemed so terrible in lieu of my other thoughts.

He sighed. "And?" His voice was right next to my ear and I flinched.

I turned my head to look at him. He sat next to me, also leaned against the wall of the hallway. I swallowed. "I think she will either have a breakdown of some kind or refuse to marry me. Every scenario ends with one of these things."

He scoffed. "Breakdown, maybe. I mean, who wouldn't considering she had the ability to be a ninja ripped from her?"

I glared at him.

He gave a small shrug. "True though. Don't know anyone who it would affect more. Still sure she herself hasn't even come to terms with the whole," He raised his hands up and wiggled his fingers, "I'm a girl thing." He gave a half-wave. "Let alone with the fact she no longer has Kurama and that her entire chakra network is messed up. Hell, she can't even walk yet. That's gotta suck."

I looked away from him and focused my eyes on the wall just a few feet in front of me.

"Since coming out of her coma she's gone all out silent a few times. For that idiot, it's kind of weird. Even you know that one. Lately, it hasn't been too bad, pretty sure all this crap your doing is at least keeping her mind off it. This though..." He trailed off. He didn't need to elaborate.

I knew. The training grounds would rub salt in the wound, so to speak. "I want to protect her, Kankuro."

"Then don't go."

"The council-"

He cut me off with a growl. "You're already married to her. You don't have to do all this shit. Do a stupid ceremony and get it out of your system."

"Such a method wouldn't be recognized."

"Does it need to be?" He gave an exasperated sigh.

I allowed gravity to turn my head towards him by rolling it on the support on the wall. "She isn't Suna native which in itself is unheard of for a Lady of Suna, even with the newer methods of the last Kazekage. Even with the excuse of relation to Naruto, they would still be reserved of her. Yes, I have the desire for traditional marriage with her, but..." I trailed off. Yes, my initial reasoning had been entirely selfish. I wanted her to know I chose this for us, wanted her to choose this as well. I wanted to be the man in the doorway with the woman, our hands raised in the air, all of Suna cheering our union.

"Suna native wouldn't accept her without the approval of the elder council."

I hummed. My main reason was my desire for a sense of control though the desire was entirely misplaced, considering everything surrounding the situation was beyond my control in the first place. Then, as we started going for our outings after the announcement, I knew.

I knew I had to do this for Suna as well, the people. As much as I wanted to delude myself to the idea Suna would accept her no matter the circumstance, I knew there was no truth in the ideology.

I sighed, knowing there was nothing I could do to avoid the location without massive consequence. "I would have preferred we handle this outing in private." Away from people, the watchful eyes of my people who judged us from afar. Me more likely than her, I am sure.

He hummed. There was nothing either of us could do to prevent this.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't keep going and be reasonable without any kind of rest at all. "There are days I miss my life from before."

He scoffed. "What, you already sick of being married?"

I shot him a glare. "From before I died."

Whatever hint of a smile or expression on his face faded. "Don't get me wrong here, but I thought you were happier without a constant murderous inner monologue."

"Yes, it was..." I trailed off, attempting to find the right word. "Maddening." Yes, this seemed fitting for it.

Kankuro stood and held his hand out to me. "Come on, I should get your outfit ready."

I looked at his hand then brushed it away, opting to lift myself up with my sand instead. "I haven't rested in over two months." I didn't want to spell it out. I couldn't stay awake any longer. I couldn't. My mind felt numb. If I didn't calm myself and she had a reaction to what was going on tonight, I couldn't risk a public reaction similar to the one I just displayed.

"So that's what you were going on about with the whole missing your past life shit." He sighed and leaned against the wall. "You think you'll come out of it in time for the outing tonight?"

Maybe. "Yes." I didn't care. If I rested too long, the council would have to take responsibility for this one and accept a postponement. I turned from him and started up the next flight of stairs. One more floor and I would reach the main guest room.

"Where are you headed? You can't stay in your bedroom right now, and you know it."

"Guest room."

"You don't even have a chair in there."

"I..." I trailed off and stilled on the stairs a moment. I hadn't refurnished the room since I made it into a hospital room. "There are other rooms."

He hummed and I heard his steps approach the stairs.

"You are following me." I started up the stairs again.

"Need to know where to find you." His voice was thin and acidic. Was he angry with me?

Why? I stepped a few feet into the hallway separating the house. Four doors. The guest room, the library, Shinki's closet, and Shinki's room. Without thought, my feet carried me to my son's room. I turned the handle or tried to anyway. "It is locked."

"Why are you going in there?"

I looked up at him. "You are tall." I blinked a few times. What? "I..." I trailed off. I swear my body was starting to numb. I pulled the sand from the walls and to the lock on the door. I felt for the mechanism and soon I could hear the soft click as it unlocked.

He groaned. "Why do any of us bothering locking our doors around here?"

I thought it an oddity when they knew I could easily unlock most doors. "It is amazing how easily sand can..." I trailed off as the door opened. A lump formed in my throat and I entered the room, ignoring my brother. I went to his bed in the back corner and lifted up a small toy puppet sitting on his pillow. I sat down, heavy onto his bed, and held it in front of me.

"Gaara --"

I didn't let him finish whatever thought he was having. I used the sand I dislodged to unlock the door to push him out then re-locked it. I shifted my eyes to the door as it vibrated from the hits Kankuro was delivering it.

"Open the damned door, Gaara. Come on, what the hell?"

I looked back down to the toy. I didn't know he still had this thing. I remembered when I gave it to him. He was still so small then, around eight I think. He asked for a puppet not long after watching Kankuro practice with one of the new puppets he made. So I asked Kankuro to make one for him and teach him to use it.

My heart hurt with the memory of his excitement. I set the puppet back on his pillow as the familiar panic threatened to return. I needed out of this room. Out of this house. I looked to the window, then the door. I couldn't.

I couldn't rest here. I moved to the window and opened it. I breathed in the hot Suna air, the heat waking me up enough to clear my mind, at least for a moment. I looked back to the room. The dark colors, the different puppets, weapons and books littering the room. It was such a mess.

Yet, it was perfect, because Shinki left it this way. My vision blurred and I sat into the window, facing out. Five stories up was an easy fall for me. So I pushed myself out to feel the air rush past my body, willing the sand to hold off a brief moment before catching me.


	3. Delay

**Kisarei**

I watched the small bundle of limbs and red hair laying inside the bassinet a few feet away from me. Watched as her little chest rose and fell as she took her breaths. I smiled at her. Kimi, my little Kimi. I reached my hand out to touch her hair.

An odd warm feeling filled my heart and my vision blurred. Moments like this, when it's just me and her I remembered everything I went through for her to even exist in the first place.

Remember the fact I am alive at all to see her in person is a miracle in itself. To touch her. To hear her cry. I could tell Gaara was getting a ton dumped on him, otherwise, she wouldn't be here alone with me. She became a constant companion to him, until recently. The past few days he'd left her with me when he headed to the Kazekage tower, leaving the bassinet close to the bed so I had easy access to her.

While I kinda felt bad knowing he likely had a mountain of work on his plate, I was guilty of being happy about it. It meant I got to keep my own kid through the day, and there was no way I was going to complain about that.

I cringed, remembering how much work got dumped on me when I was Hokage, how hard it was to keep it all up. He at least had the whole 'I only rest every few weeks' tactics.

Bastard. I snorted and covered my mouth. I watched Kimi, tense for a moment, waiting to see if she would stir to my voice. A light gurgle came from her then her tiny arm moved just a small amount. Then she stilled. I let out a breath. Thank goodness. I wanted her to myself, yes, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't overwhelmed by the whole 'mom' thing. _Mom._ I swallowed. I still wasn't used to the idea. At this point, I should be.

Shouldn't I? I brought my hand back to me and let out a breath before leaning back on my pillows, still watching my little Kimi. She looked so much like him. She was more like him than just in her looks. A shiver went down my spine. Thankfully there was only one incident so far.

So far. The thought sent a chill down my spine. I couldn't shake the guilt nor the feeling of emptiness. She held Kurama. She inherited Gaara's affinity for sand. It couldn't be a great combination, though in my years with him he was able to let his anger go and we become friends.

 _Protect her, ok?_ I willed my thought to reach him and I smiled. I knew he would. Once I could calm my mind, I knew the only reason he was there in the first place was to keep her alive. I get it. It's one of the last things he said to me. I pulled my knees to my chest and leaned forward.

If I could do that, why in the hell couldn't I walk? I mean, damn. I heard it, the whispers when I was out with him. _Does she ever walk? Is there something wrong with her?_ The fact I hadn't stood or walked at any of our outings outside of the initial announcement was pretty obvious. At least nobody said it to me directly yet, so there was that.

"Wonder where he's taking us today. Has he told you anything?" I whispered it to her. I both enjoyed and hated going out with him every night. On one hand, I got to hang out with the guy.

On the other hand he either stared at me or looked off into the distance and barely said a word to me and all I could do was notice the growing amount of people who came to gawk at us while we did whatever it was we were doing. Notice the majority of those who came to watch weren't ninjas. It made me wonder how many people were in Suna. I mean, Konoha had a decent sized non-ninja population, but I was getting the creeping suspicion it was nothing compared to Suna.

Not to mention the get up he wore every single time we went out and all the dresses I had to wear. I was starting to feel like a dress-up doll.

Acid rose up my throat. I seriously just wanted to toss on a pair of pants and a coat and call it good. I never cared much for putting on airs or anything. "Tsch." I flopped backward and pushed my feet out. "I'm never going to get used to this."

"Get used to what?"

I jerked at the sound and nearly fell out of my bed. I looked up at the girl just past the door. "The hell, Yumi? Why do all of you people have to be so damned quiet all the time?" I adjusted myself in my bed. "I always thought it was just a Gaara thing, but I'm starting to think it's a damned Suna thing."

A cry erupted from the bassinet next to me. Well, shit. I let out a small groan and reached out for her. I brought the fussing bundle up in my arms and my irritation waned in an instant. Small arms, kicking legs and a hiccuping cry consumed my entire world. "Shh, Mama's here, you are ok." I rested her in the crook of my arm. Her brilliant eyes stared up at me, taking all of me in through her cries. What were the odds her eyes would be an oddly perfect blend of ours? Though they did lean more towards her father, they held much more blue in them than green.

The bed shifted and I looked back up at Yumi. Was it just me or was her face redder than usual?

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake her." She held her finger out to Kimi and she grabbed hold of it.

I sighed as Kimi stopped crying in order to focus on Yumi's finger. "Of course, why not." I sounded sourer than I meant to. I was sour though. The fact other people were better with her than I was irritated me. I was her freaking mother. I gave up my life for her. I protected her until she was born, from my body. Mine. She is mine, I am her mother. Shouldn't it be me who would be able to fix everything?

"Something wrong?" The girl looked at me with a slight frown.

I shrugged, a familiar cold feeling ache crept into my chest. It didn't matter. Not really. I was alive. I was going to watch her grow up, no matter the circumstance, I should be grateful. Shouldn't I? "Eh, it's nothing."

She hummed. "Lord Kazekage might be on his way here eventually. Just passed him in the hall a few floors down. One lower than where Shinki's room is." She waved her hand. "Why are there so many floors to this place anyway? I mean, I'm grateful for the protection here, but it's insane how many stairs I have to climb in order to come visit you."

I stared at her. "As though you would visit me for any reason if you weren't living here. Pretty sure you being here has more to do with Shinki than anything to do with me." I regretted the words the moment the girl's face fell.

"Do you think he's going to be back soon? I think the Kazekage is even getting worried." All of her focus shifted to Kimi.

Gaara? "What makes you say that?"

She didn't look at me. "A hunch."

I studied her a moment. "I can't help but think there is more to it than that."

She shrugged. "I am trying to get used to not hating him so much." She looked back up at me, her shoulders still hunched. "Days like today help me see past the stories."

"What happened?"

She pushed herself up and sighed. "Does he..." She trailed off and studied me. "Do you..." She trailed off again. A shadow passed her features and she turned from me. "I think I'll head off. Talk later, alright?" She didn't wait for me to respond before heading back out of the room again.

I looked down at Kimi after the door clicked shut. "Why does everyone around here have to be so weird, huh?"

I swear the raspberry she blew me was an attempt at an answer.

It went past the time of day where Chuyo came in to draw the curtains to keep the midday sun from baking me to death. Which, in all honesty, annoyed the shit out of me. I tried telling them I was fine with seeing the sun but no, 'it wouldn't do to have the future Lady of Suna sporting a tan'. "Outside the day I was born I don't think I've ever been paler than I am now."

"Lady Kisarei, do you know how many women would give anything for the lifestyle you are entering?"

I scoffed. "Like I asked for it." I winced as I said it. "You know, ignore that." I laughed and rubbed the back of my head, embarrassed.

She hummed, grabbed a box from the stand next to the door, and brought it to my bed. "Lord Kankuro told me to hold off on dressing you until we get word from him. However, I thought you would like to see what the Kazekage has chosen for you to wear for tonight."

I leaned forward and scooted the box toward me. "Any hope it will be a little less crowded than usual?"

She sat on the bed across from me. "More so, probably." She offered a small smile.

I sighed. "How did you get so good at your job, anyway." A statement, not a question. She could barely walk across the floor when I first met her. Over the past two months, she became an integral part of my life. My legs, my messenger. Yumi, out of boredom I think, kind of became her assistant when it came time to dress me up. There was also the possibility Yumi just looked at me like I was just some kind of giant dress-up doll as many times as I needed to change clothes.

I mean, why did I have to wear different things every time I left the place? Just once I would like a day I could just wear the same outfit the entire day.

"Are you going to open it?"

I gave her a toothy smile. Then, I leaned forward and pulled the box onto my lap. "Would you freak out if I didn't?"

"No."

I sighed. "Fine, I'll open it. No need to get weird about it."

Her face contorted in confusion and I laughed.

Laughed hard enough to wake Kimi again. I groaned and took her into my arms. "Sorry, it's ok." I gave a half laugh and rocked her in my arms, but this time when she settled, she didn't fall back to sleep. Her little hands grabbed at my nightgown and pulled. "Hey, what are you doing?" I smiled down at her, careful to remove her fingers from the fabric.

Kimi squealed, a soft, high pitched giggle following it. She reached up again then tugged harder.

I went to remove her hands again, followed by another fit of giggles. She pumped her legs as she went for my gown again. I looked up to Chuyo. "Listen, listen!" I removed her hands, savoring the sweet sound of Kimi's giggle as I did. I raised her up enough to kiss the top of her head. She reached out for my gown again. "You think she is playing or is hungry?"

"Might be both." Chuyo shrugged her shoulders.

I hummed and shifted my gown, then Kimi so she could feed. She latched on and I winced before her connection was secure and the familiar feeling of her suckling came. Holding onto her and having her feed directly from my body felt like the most important moments of my life. It was so weird, the feeling. I let out a breath and played with the hair on her tiny head. "Seems she was hungry." I could feel the tension in my body relax. "You mind opening the box for me? Hands are kinda full."

"Of course." She pulled the box toward her and scooted the top off of it. She pushed aside the paper encasing it then held up the gown I was to wear tonight.

I looked away from it, a weight forming in my throat. What was this? My vision blurred and Kimi started to fuss around my breast, a hiccupping cry between suckles and I tried to calm my nerves.

"Something wrong?"

"Naw, it's nothing."

"Lady Kisarei?"

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I forced out a smile, as wide as I could. "Hey, I'm fine. It looks different. Kinda like what I've seen Temari wear." I eyed the offending dress again. Black fabric, a thick blue belt, and what appeared to be diamonds littering the neckline. A fancy-looking Suna ninja outfit. Tighter looking than anything else I had worn out. I swallowed. I was only just starting to get used to the whole 'I'm a woman' thing, I wasn't sure I wanted to outright show it off yet.

Not to mention, I sure as hell didn't want a reminder of my past life. This outfit alone slapped me in the face with it. Here, have a big reminder of the shit you can't do anymore.

Jackass.

"Ow!" A sharp pain erupted from where Kimi latched onto me and I moved her away from me. I stared at her. "Did you... Did you just bite me?"

Tears swelled up in her eyes. Then, a small wail erupted from her, one which got louder and louder until I swear I felt the room shift.

My stomach dropped. Shit. No, no, just fucking no. "It's ok Kimi, Mamma is ok, everything is ok." I pulled my upset little bundle of danger to my body and tried to calm her, but it was too late. Sand broke free from the walls and drawers and began to hover in the air. I looked up to my petrified looking companion.

She looked at me, the fear evident in her face. "What's going on?"

"Get Gaara. Kankuro. Someone. Now." I stressed now. This was one thing I couldn't control. A reminder of why I couldn't have her with me constantly. I swallowed as I heard the door shut. "Shh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you." Her cries continued and I tried bouncing her. "Shh, come on Kimi, don't cry. It's ok, I swear it is. See? It's just us." I couldn't help the panicked feeling rising in me. I knew it probably wasn't helping any. "Did you want to bite me again? Is that it? Do you want to keep eating?" I looked around the room. On the dresser was the little wooden rattle Shinki had made her. Kimi followed my gaze and cried louder.

Could it help? I wasn't sure. It was probably my imagination, but I swear she was starting to stare at it. The sand hovering around us started to agitate. I needed to calm her down before she started a full-blown sand storm in the room again. I took a breath. I shifted Kimi to my lap and leaned back into the pillows. "Here goes."

I held up my hand, forming the sign I needed to summon a clone, and as if on cue, the sand stilled a moment. The change shocked me enough to not finish the summoning. A whimper came out of the child in my lap and then the sand lunged forward, hurdling toward the dresser, knocking the rattle to the floor, making it sound. The sand fell to the floor as a soft giggle erupted from Kimi. Her arm reached out, her little fingers grabbing toward the rattle.

I stared at her. What... What just happened?

The door slammed open but I paid it no attention. I pulled her back up into my arms and hugged her as hard as I felt safe to.

"She... She stopped?" I looked up to Kankuro who stood near the doorway, Chuyo standing behind him looking panicked still. She scanned the room, the sand covering everything obvious.

I nodded. "Could you get me Shinki's rattle?" I nodded toward the thing on the floor.

He grabbed it and brought it over. I shifted Kimi enough so she could see it and he gave it a light shake.

She squealed and reached for it, the sand on the floor pulsing as it did.

I swallowed, not taking my eyes off of her. "Hey Kankuro, I think you should probably get Gaara. I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to this shit."

"I'd love to. In fact, I was going to grab him on my way up here, but he's kind of missing."

I looked up at him then. "Missing? I thought Yumi saw him earlier today."

His face hardened. "She told you that?"

I frowned. "Well, yeah. Why?"

"What all did she say?"

I shrugged. "That she saw him today."

He studied me a moment then let out enough of a breath for his shoulders to fall. "I left him in Shinki's room. He isn't there but the window was open." He shrugged. "He was going to rest before the outing tonight but knowing him, he could be anywhere in Suna." He gave another small shake of the rattle and she giggled, reaching out for it. He held it out and her tiny fingers latched onto it and she gave it a mighty shake, hitting my shoulder in the process.

I bit my tongue to keep myself from chiding her for it, but couldn't stop the wince from showing on my face.

"Be happy it's a rattle and not a full-blown mountain of sand." He shifted his attention to the box on the bed. He grabbed out the dress and shook sand out of it. "Well, at least he gave you a hint about it."

"Hint about what?" Another hit from Kimi and another fit of giggles.

He shoved the fabric back into the box. "Can't say. Besides, I think it's best I find Gaara before you get ready." He turned to Chuyo. "Wait until you hear from me before getting her ready for tonight, alright?"

She gave a small nod. "Yes Lord Kankuro."

He reached over and passed his thumb over Kimi's cheek then looked around the room. "Think it'll be easier to have Gaara clean up." He sighed. "Why is it he's never around when something new happens?"

"He sort of was when she initially did it."

He shrugged and lifted his hand. "See you in a bit, I'm going to hunt down this kid here's father." He turned and headed out of the room.

I stared at the door, confused. Where had Gaara gone? What really happened in the hallway? How in the hell was the dress a hint at what was happening at our next outing? I groaned and leaned back into the sand-covered pillows, letting Kimi half lay on my chest.

She dropped the rattle, fussed and Chuyo picked it up and handed it to her. She squealed and grabbed onto it with both hands, once again taking to bonking me with the wooden thing.

"I don't even care anymore." I let out a breath.

"About what?"

I didn't bother looking over to her. Everything. I don't even care anymore about everything. Kimi moved the sand again. This time, in an attempt to grab something. I swallowed, the creeping guilt about what I was returned. I was selfish and because of it she now held Kurama. She had the natural sand abilities of her father. What kind of person would she be? Everyone always told me how much chakra I had was insane, and it wasn't only from Kurama. I was told once Gaara's power came from his chakra naturally infusing into the sand around him. How powerful would she be if she has my chakra levels with his natural sand ability?

Would Gaara be able to help her control what she could do? I hoped so.

I heard the door shut and I looked up to find myself alone with Kimi. I let out a breath. I preferred it this way. The girl had grown on me, but...

I had moments I just preferred to be by myself. Right now, I wanted to be by myself. With Kimi. Almost by myself. I shifted her in my arms and brushed her beautiful face with my fingers. Tears came, and I didn't do anything to stop them. Let them come.

She is beautiful. I hugged her to me. "I'm sorry Kimi, I didn't want to pass that onto you. Don't hate me, ok?" I felt helpless. I couldn't even fucking walk. My chakra reserves weren't building up high enough for me to do much of anything beyond keeping me alive.

Outside of being some kind of figure for people to stare at, what the hell kind of life was I going to have now? When Kimi got older, when she started her own life, what good would I be then?

Was there going to be more in store for me than just being The Kazekage's wife, the mother of his children?

"Behold, the Lady of Suna," I announced to the emptiness of the room, "Isn't she pretty? What does she do?" I held Kimi up so she was eye level with me and shifted my voice to try and sound more masculine. "Well, she is the one who sleeps with our Lord so there can be more people for us to stare at, isn't that enough?"

Kimi erupted in giggles and I brought her back to my chest.

The words made me feel numb. When I tried to drop my voice, it was obvious.

I didn't sound like me anymore. I couldn't even try. _Kisarei._

Not a ninja. Not a man, but a woman. One who would be looked upon by the entire nation of Suna. I swallowed and looked down to Kimi. I wanted to be able to fully let go, but it was hard. I was Naruto Uzumaki my entire life. Monster to hoodlum to annoyance to ninja to hero to Kage. Now...

Now I was just the wife of the Kazekage, the dress-up doll of Suna. The mother of his daughter. I smiled at her, amazed by how much I loved this tiny person.

My previous self, I would never be able to let her know. I wanted her to be proud of me. Living long enough to give her a chance at life wasn't enough. I needed to do something more. Something she could be proud of other than just being a living doll.

I just had no idea what that something was yet. "Any ideas?"

She just smiled at me, her large eerie deep teal eyes focusing on me.

"You look so much like your father it's downright creepy." Images of when I first met her dad flashed in my mind. The crazed look, the pain evident in his eyes, his desire to push it onto others by killing them. A small tidbit Temari said back in Konoha repeated in my head. Thousands. He had killed thousands in Suna before meeting me.

For now, while I figured out what my new purpose in life was going to be, I would settle on this one thing. I set her back down into my lap. My precious Kimi. My sweet daughter.

"I swear, on every ounce of blood in my body, I will do everything in my power to give you the life we didn't have."

We. With the one statement, the one word, I knew I could never say it again. I decided, my mind more clear than the last time I decided to let me go, I would say it again. "I, Uzumaki Naruto am no more. I am Kisarei, Future Lady of Suna. The Future wife of Gaara, The Fifth Kazekage of Suna," I scrunched my nose as I tried to remember the whole title, "so on and so forth. I am your Mother." This time, it felt easier to say. To let go. I lifted her up in the air, then back down. "So, if I manage to be able to give you any siblings, you think they will be like you? Or do you think I'll be able to produce someone normal?" I winced at the words the moment they left my mouth. I didn't mean it like that, not really. "Ignore that, alright?" I wanted to explain my thought away, but also knew she probably had no idea what I was even saying to her.

I sighed. Who cared if she understood me or not? I nestled her into my lap. "I wouldn't change a thing about you, not a thing. You're perfect." I crossed my heart. "Honest." I kissed the top of her head. "I do hope, if I have another, they won't have to deal with the same pressures the Uzumaki and Kazekage bloodlines tend to deal with. The pressures I know you'll grow up with because of it." My smile faltered, but I was able to keep it there.

Would the people of Suna accept her? Would they try to weaponize her or had they learned their lesson with her father? A small shiver ran through my spine. I was sure Gaara would make sure it never happened. No matter the means to achieve it.

I looked at the door and glared at it. "Why do you people never leave me with anything to do?" All this alone time, it was killing me. I had Kimi, it helped, but...

She definitely didn't keep me from thinking. All the time.

All the damn time. "I don't want to think anymore."

Kimi kicked out, moved her arms and I swear the sand on the floor shifted.

I swallowed. "You think your nice Uncle Kankuro is going to find your Daddy soon? That will be nice, huh?" I had the creeping suspicion my times alone with her was going to be a thing of the past.

Chuyo paced the floor making my own nerves frazzle. "Sit down, will you?"

"It is after dark. Unless it's dinner, tonight's outing is ruined. I have to tell the council, and I don't want to have a less than perfect report. I need this job. It's the only thing I've ever been good at." She continued her pacing. Her voice dropped, the rant more mouthed than audible. She turned and her clothes caught what was beside her.

The sound of shattering glass echoed in the room and she froze in place. Glass? My heart leaped to my throat. She didn't. I looked past her stilled form to the floor to see carved white flowers sitting on the floor. "Why... I just..." I growled and fell back into my pillows. "He just brought those up to me a couple of weeks ago."

"I'm sorry, I... I can replace the vase, I can..." She trailed off.

"Doubt it." I hadn't asked, but I was halfway certain he made it. I sighed and looked up at my spiral as I remembered the last thing he made me also shattered during the attack on Konoha. "Can't I have just one thing from him that won't break?"

Chuyo gasped, making me look in her direction.

I stared at her. She held her hand, a shard of glass sticking out of it, blood dripping from her hand. Her entire body shook and a whimper escaped her. Great. "Why in the hell would you try and clean it up yourself? You are a worse klutz than I am."

She looked up to me, tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry, I..." She trailed off.

I took a breath and swung my legs over the side of my bed. "Can you get the medkit?"

She went to stand and more blood gushed from her hand. Of course, it did. Why not?

"Sit down before you kill yourself."

She did as I asked, but knelt directly into the glass, causing another whimper.

I winced as more blood showed on the floor. She was good at her job. What the hell? "Are you actually trying to kill yourself? Damn, remind me to never have anything sharp around you." I scanned the room, ignoring the onslaught of 'I'm sorry, I don't know what happened' coming from her. "Where is the kit anyway?"

"Bathroom."

Kimi started to cry. Bathroom? I looked at the bathroom door. Great. I couldn't get there from here. I needed my nurse and Chuyo to get there in order to be human in the first place. I reached a hand to Kimi to try and calm her, but she was already in a mood. I felt down and her bottom was extra warm. She needed changed and wouldn't stop crying until she was. 'Hey Chuyo, could you get me a diaper so I can change Kimi?' I kept the statement to myself.

Yeah, this sucks. The diapers were also in the bathroom. A groan escaped my mouth. Why me? Why was nothing ever just fucking easy for me? I took a breath. I hadn't tried this in a while, so why not? I gripped the side of the bed and shifted my weight to my feet. So far so good.

"What are you doing?"

"Going to the bathroom." I ignored her complaints as I shoved off the bed. Then, pain in my lower back, my knees buckled and I greeted the floor in a painful heap. I groaned and looked up. The bathroom wasn't all that far. Not really. I could get there like this. Eventually. "Hold on, I'll get it." I shifted on the floor so I was on my stomach and started to scoot my way to the bathroom, my legs not responding to me at all beyond light movement. The pain in my back grew with every pull, but I tried to ignore it. I had to change Kimi before she resorted to using sand to try and get her way. I had to get the medkit before my attendant bled to death.

I pulled again, this time the pain shooting through my entire body and I crumpled into a heap. I couldn't stop the tears. I'm useless. "So fucking useless." I cried. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't tend to my own baby. I couldn't do something so simple as getting to the bathroom.

The door opened. "What the hell happened in here?" I flinched at Kankuro's voice. He was back.

Sand enveloped my body and I was back on the bed. I groaned as my weight shifted. My legs throbbed. My back throbbed. I covered my face with my arms, not wanting to let on I was crying. Sand. It only meant one thing. Gaara came up with Kankuro. Of course he did.

I heard Kankuro groan. "I'm over today, I'm just over it. First Kimi, then Gaara, now this? Why is it always on my watch everything happens?" His voice was soft, but I still heard him. I wonder if he even cared.

Kimi stopped crying then. I was tempted to move my arms, to see him hovered over her. I wanted to see the softness in his eyes as he looked at her. I took a breath. I couldn't. I couldn't look at him. Not like this.

"Hold still." A soft whimper sounded and Kankuro muttered, "I said hold still."

My body shifted upward into a sitting position and I groaned, a strange tingle ebbing down from the small of my back down to my feet. What the hell? I allowed my arms to drop to see a baby floating just in front of my face.

"Hold her." His voice sounded tired, gravelly.

I swallowed as sand whipped at my arms, moving them out. I followed his directions and caught my daughter in my arms as he lowered her to me. I let out a breath and kissed her head, idly watching as Gaara knelt down in front of Chuyo and started to work on her bleeding wounds. A soft glow emanated from his hands as he moved from her hand to her knee. Then, with a small whirlwind of sand, all signs of the accident were gone. He stood back up and looked in my direction.

I didn't want to bring attention to my outburst, my tears. The fact I probably just hurt myself worse trying to get to the bathroom. "So, uh, where have you been? Kankuro said you were missing."

Kankuro groaned and sand went up around his mouth with a flick of Gaara's fingers. He pulled at it, muffled yelling sounded behind the sand mask.

Gaara stepped forward, his arms raised up and sand separated Kimi from me and pulled her to him. Sand crawled up his hand and his thumb brushed her forehead the moment she was in his arms. "Kankuro said she used sand again today?" He didn't bother looking at me as he asked.

"She reached for her rattle."

He stilled and his eyes drifted up to me, the question obvious on his face.

"Don't get me wrong, but it's kinda obvious." I waved at all the sand covering the room and did an over-exaggerated motion toward the thicker pile of sand where the rattle hit the ground earlier.

"She..." He trailed off, his eyes focusing on her before his face went back to his usual emotionless expression. "You are unable to stop it."

I looked away from him, ignoring the pang in my chest his words brought on. I leaned back into my chair of sand, another wave of tingles shot down my legs. I winced and gave a huff. "Yeah, I know."

A weight fell in my lap and I looked down to see a bouquet of delicate, brilliant white lilies. I brushed my fingers across them, then looked back up to him. He wasn't facing me but had cradled Kimi in his arms. A wrinkle obvious between the skin of his brows. What was he thinking? "Gaara?"

He closed his eyes and the wrinkle smoothed. When he opened his eyes, they centered on me, boring into my very being. "Their meaning has not changed."

What? I pressed my thumb into the carved stems. What... What was it he said when he gave them to me again?

He turned, a wisp of sand rose up from his feet and opened the door. He flicked his wrist and tossed Kankuro out of the room with what I imagine to be a stream of screamed swearing. He stood a moment and spoke to the door. "I went to visit an old friend." With this, he was gone, the door shutting behind him.

Then, the room exploded, sand rose from every surface and hovered mid-air. Once the sand stilled, it swirled around then exited the room underneath the door.

Chuyo hadn't moved from her place on the ground where Gaara and Kankuro tended her wounds. She stared at the door. "The sand, he..." She trailed off. I wasn't sure if the look on her face was one of shock, awe, fear, or a combination of the three.

"Going to have to get used to it." I shifted my gaze down to the flowers and picked them up. At least they didn't break when Chuyo knocked the vase over.

"Are you used to it?"

I shrugged, not looking up from my little treasure. _Until the last one wilts._ I smiled and brought my hand to the weighted necklace beneath my nightgown. I knew there was something going on with the council. A reason why he wouldn't come near me, a reason he barely spoke when he did see me. I hugged the flowers to me and watched Chuyo work at standing up. A reason I wasn't allowed to be alone. It confused me at first. Two months after getting the necklace though, I was sure it had something to do with the whole wedding thing.

Betrothed. The word made me giggle from the butterflies it produced in my stomach at the mere thought of it. Then, I outright laughed as my mind wandered. What they walked into just now had to be ridiculous looking. Or horrifying.

"Lady Kisarei?"

I am not sure why, but my name made me laugh even harder. I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe anymore. Hard enough it hurt my ribs. Hard enough it made me cry.

 _Until the last one wilts._ Me too, Gaara.

Me too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for continuing my story. I went on such a long hiatus I wasn't sure I retained any of my readers. I hope you continue to enjoy the story, and as always comments/reviews serve to inspire <3


	4. An Old Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long delay, I've been writing away and just realized what I have already written for this chapter was well over 10k words. Oopsie. So I broke it up so I can get you a chapter now ^_^' I hope you like it!
> 
> As always, comments/reviews serve to inspire. <3

**Gaara**

I felt sick. I wasn't sure how I got here. I didn't remember coming here. I don't know why in my half-dazed exhaustion I would come here in the first place. I had never done it before. I eyed the attendant, hoping he wouldn't catch onto my discomfort. I snapped out of my daze when he opened the door and asked me what I wanted.

I had no idea what I wanted. I had no idea why I even came. I avoided the stare of the man in the bed. I wondered if he could see through it, my mask to hide my discomfort with my own presence here. I couldn't deal with the fact my only son was missing. I couldn't rest in my own house.

Somehow in my tired mind the last place I had any desire to be next to the underground must have been the perfect place for me to take a rest. I tightened the grip on my arms, enough to make the sand encasing them crack.

The boy flinched at the sound. "It will only be a few more minutes, Lord Kazekage. I have been upping the doses for the treatment since it has been working well so far. You mentioned someone is coming to help. I would like to see what they think of my work."

I licked the dryness from my lips. "Any new improvements?" I watched the boy, still avoiding the gaze I could feel bore into me from the man in bed.

"A small twitch in his thumb. Movement, it is more than we ever had hope for." The boy smiled at me. "Maybe, even if the help isn't able to improve his condition, with the continued treatments he will be able to fully move in the next few years."

With this, I shifted my eyes to him and nearly flinched at the stare he was sending my way. "This is good news." I felt a pinch on my arm as another crack formed from my own grip.

The boy rounded the bed with a tray. "I need to concentrate." He lowered the blanket and turned Nobuo over to his side.

His arm shifted and fell in front of him at the movement. He closed his eyes and furrowed his brows.

The boy washed his back and shifted so he could see the side of Nobuo's face. He grabbed what looked like a metal toothpick and moved it to his back. "Do you feel anything?"

His eyes opened and he blinked.

"Blink again if you meant yes."

Another blink.

My throat was dry. He could feel his back.

"Alright, I'm going to use the numbing agent to do this. Just a moment."

A mournful moan left his lips as he looked up toward the shoulder the boy was standing near.

"I am not into dealing pain. Listen, I have to use this."

Another moan, this time, a light jerk in his shoulder.

A jerk in his shoulder. I tensed. "You should let him numb you."

Nobuo's eyes turned to me and narrowed. Then, he moaned louder, this time the sound fluctuated. His eyes didn't leave me.

The boy groaned. "I could get fired if I don't use it, so please do not complain."

I studied Nobuo a moment. Why? Why would he want to feel it? Then, I knew. "Don't"

"What?"

"Do as he wants, do not use the numbing agent."

"But, Lord Kazekage, I-"

I held up a hand, prompting the boy to stop speaking. "You will not be fired for this. I am in charge of the funding for this project. If he desires no numbing agent, then so be it." It was the least I could do for him.

Literally the least I could do.

Nobuo let out a breath and his face calmed. He closed his eyes as the boy began to clean his back. A light smile played on his lips.

Then, I saw the needle to the syringe containing the serum of whatever treatment he was receiving. "Why is it so long?"

The boy clicked it a few times then released some of the liquid. "I can explain what I am doing." His fingers went to the line on the glass of the syringe. "First, I measure out exactly forty two ml of the treatment. Then, toward the top of his spine, I release most. Thirty one ml directly into his spine. It must be released into the morrow there in order to work. I use the rest a few inches lower. It is working remarkably well so far." The boy lowered the needle. "I'm sorry."

He didn't open his eyes, just a thin hiss escaping his lips.

I looked away. I couldn't. I couldn't watch. Soon, another hiss. Memories flooded my mind and I pressed my fingers into my arms to keep myself from grabbing my head. I remembered why I stopped visiting. I didn't want to remember anymore.

**Gaara: Age 9**

The crack of his leg as it broke reverberated through the room, eliciting only a small hiss from him. I glared at the men who attacked my pet vermin. Only I was allowed to make it hurt. Only I was allowed to make it do things.

It was mine.

I wrapped sand around the men who invaded my house and crushed them, splattering the walls with their blood. Why wouldn't the vermin scream? He was inside my house for months now, and nothing. I worked at sealing the latest damage from this invasion, reinforcing the weaker spots of the wall with extra sand. "Vermin." I pulled their blood to my body, reveling in the warmth of it. "Next time, maybe I will let them kill you. You don't even fight back." I didn't look at the vermin as I spoke. There was no reason to. He wasn't worth my attention.

"There a reason to?" He sighed. "Aren't you going to kill me at some point? What does it matter the source of my death?"

I looked over at him. Annoying. He sat, crumpled on the ground, his leg at an odd angle. "They were only here for five minutes. You were about to read. You need to read to me."

He snorted. "Right. In case you didn't notice, they broke my leg." He used both hands to emphasize his statement by motioning at the leg pointing the wrong direction.

I crossed my arms. "You will let such a light injury stop you from obeying me?"

He rolled his eyes. "Your idea of light injuries is a bit off."

"Whatever." I knelt down next to him and put my hand over the area of his leg where the break was likely the worst. I shot sand out from my skin, hunting for the bone. Near shattered. An odd shiver passed through me, followed by an acidic feeling in my throat. I shrugged it off. Strange. I pushed more sand from my body and into his leg.

He let out another hiss. The only indication he ever gave to let on he felt pain.

"Don't move." I felt for the pieces, then pulled them back together, guiding his leg back into a useable position. I pulled some of the sand out, leaving just enough to hold the bones in place. I hardened the bits still there. Not perfect, but it would do. I stood and crossed my arms. "There, now you should be able to move. It's solid, so what is a bit of pain anyway." I turned from him and headed to my room. "Bring a book."

After five minutes I stood back up and went to the door and looked down the stairs. "Vermin, you annoy me."

He appeared at the end of the staircase in a stagger, sweat dripping from his face. His body shook. "Damn, give me a chance. It isn't moving on this thing." He grabbed the railing and started up.

"You take too long." I reached out, pulling sand from the lower layer of my house. I wrapped it around the vermin and tossed him up the stairs and into my room.

It gave a light 'oomph' as it hit the floor. "Did you at least get a book first?" I turned back into my room and jumped up on my bed, then fell down into a cross legged position. I leaned on my knees and watched him.

He held up a thick book with a dark cover. "I am not quite that stupid." He gave half a laugh, then frowned as he righted himself. His fingers traced over the place in his leg where the sand held his bones together. "Why?"

I groaned. I didn't want to talk. I wanted the vermin to read to me. I didn't even care about learning today. This was the third attack on my house this week. They were starting to annoy me. "It is better if you can move otherwise it is pointless to keep you here and I still want to learn."

He stared at me, an odd look on his face. "Kind of figured since you fixed it instead of turning me into dust."

I glared at him. I circled the sand around my body, letting him know my irritation.

"I was just curious why so many try to kill you all the time is all. I mean, you do kill a lot of people, but I have never heard of an operation as consistent as this is."

I snorted out a laugh and muffled it with my hand. Consistent. "My Father wants to remove his mistake." I left the explanation at that. I didn't want to explain. I didn't want to tell him my own uncle gave his life in an attempt to remove me from existence. "I deserve to exist. I deserve to live. I will exist, I will prove it to them, even if I have to absorb the life of everyone in this place, I will prove it!" I wasn't sure when I stood up, I wasn't sure when I started to yell. I needed to kill something. My body shook. I looked down on the vermin.

No. I wasn't going to use him to prove myself. Not today. I smiled. "I've changed my mind. I think I am going to go out and play today." I laughed, then grabbed at my hair as the voice started in my head again. _Feed mother, be a good boy and feed me._ I let out a small whimper. I didn't have time for this anymore. I opened a hole in the window of my room and jumped.

Gaara: Age 35

I felt numb as the second part of his shot finished. I did my best to keep my face blank as the boy cleaned up the area then applied bandages. "I currently am on a schedule of twice a week. If this holds out without any issue, in two weeks I will apply it three times a week."

I kept my eyes on Nobuo, ignoring what the boy was doing as he cleaned his work area up. "Once you are finished, I want to be alone with him."

The boy hummed. "You have any idea what caused it? The scars he has is a bit odd."

I ignored him. Of course I knew, I caused them. He didn't need to know that.

The boy sighed. "Probably will never know huh? I think it is great you are trying to research this kind of stuff though. This guy wouldn't have had a chance without it."

I tensed and Nobuo opened his eyes. They felt like daggers. I wondered what he was thinking. I wondered if he were able bodied, if he would try to exact revenge.

I wondered if I could let him. Hold my sand back so he could kill me. From him, I would deserve it.

The door clicked shut and I unfolded my arms. I let out a breath. I stood when I realized the body left him on his side after the procedure. "Are you supposed to stay like this, or was he supposed to put you on your back?"

His eyes went up, then down.

"Yes to which one?"

He furrowed his brows and I groaned.

Right. I needed to rest. "First?"

Up, then down.

I circled him and knelt down next to his back. My stomach lurched and I pulled the sand away from my fingers. After a light hesitation I brought them down on the center of his back. The jagged scar felt odd against my skin and I pressed my hand flat against his back. "I wish I met you after I met him." I felt down with my chakra and worked at healing the small needle holes.

Once satisfied he was adequately healed I removed my hand and replaced the armor on my hand. I stood back up, circled back so I would be face to face with him. I leaned against the wall, then slid down, letting my body fold in onto itself as I did. I let out a breath. "I didn't come in so long because I wanted to forget you. Wanted to erase that part of my life." I looked at him, his expression unreadable.

My mouth was dry. I wanted to keep silent, but I was here, so I might as well. "It's impossible. To forget. I've tried. I mentioned before they made me Kazekage. Mentioned my siblings started to take care of me."

I leaned back, letting the wall hold up my head. "I am exhausted. I don't even know why I am here." My voice cracked, but I felt determined to voice my thoughts before I could think better of it. "I don't remember coming here. Yet, I am here, talking to you. I figure I might as well tell you everything on my mind. Why not?"

His face was still unreadable, so I continued.

"The past few months have been insane for me. My best friend wished himself into becoming a woman. Now, I am married and I have a daughter. Have I ever mentioned I have a son? He is sixteen now. I adopted him when he was four. Just found out he is actually my brothers biological child." I presented the events like a list. I didn't know how else to do it.

"It was the incident with my wife which wanted me to remove it. The house. I put in a demolition order. Someone told my son and he went to investigate in person."

I leaned forward. "You had siblings. Maybe just one. Your family, they are in the rebellion. The ones who oppose my position. I ignore them. They are fine." I shifted. "I occasionally have to destroy the random proposal towards the members of the rebellion. They have a right to, you know this more than most."

His brows pursed, a frown formed on his lips. A sound came from him.

I winced. "I am sorry." I froze as the words came. Had I ever... Had I ever formally apologized to him? I brought my hands to my face. No. I hadn't. I removed sand from my body, enough to push myself away from the wall and onto my hands and knees. I crawled to him, then rested my arms on the side of the hospital bed so we were face to face. Inches away. "Nobuo. I know your name. I thought knowing would help, but..." I took a breath. "I found out by accident. When Shinki went to the house, he came across a girl wanting answers. How impossible is fate this girl ended up looking for evidence of you?"

I studied him a moment. He should know. He needed to know. "She wanted to know if I could recognize her uncle who disappeared when he was eleven. The picture... How could I forget?" I waited for his expression to change, but only a wrinkle formed on his forehead. Did he not place the pieces together? Was it not obvious what I told him? "The girl's name is Yumi. You have a niece. She is an interesting girl, but hard to be around. She reminds me of you."

His face twisted. What did he want to say?

"She is living in my house now." His fingers twitched and the look on his face was one of panic. Of course it would be. He had no concept of me after.

After the house. After my insanity. Just... After.

I took a breath. "I need to say it. Before I rest. Before I can think better of it. Before I lose my nerve." I took my finger and pressed on the wrinkle between his brows in the same fashion Kankuro and Shinki would do to me. "I apologize. There aren't words enough to express to you how sorry I am for what I have done. To you, to those who entered the house I grew up in. I cannot change the things I have done, but I will not allow your niece to lose her life because of it. I will do everything in my power to protect her. I will do everything in my power to make sure you will be able to get out of this prison I've imposed on you. I don't know if I can ever fix you entirely but..." I trailed off and leaned away from him.

He held an expression I couldn't place. Why had I removed his tongue? Of all the things... I buried my face in my hands again. Cool. Wait. I looked down at my hands, then removed the sand from them. I touched my face again. Wet. I was crying? When did this happen? Maybe Temari was right. Maybe I was the one who cared, after all.

I allowed myself to fall back onto the floor and sighed. "I sometimes wonder what my life would have been if my Father hadn't bound me to Shukaku. Would have I been like my siblings, or would this intense desire to hurt things still plague me?" I asked myself more than I asked the man in front of me.

I studied him. If he could move, if he could speak, what would he say? What would he do? If he chose not to avenge himself, what would I do with him? He was a martyr for the rebellion. One of more than I cared to think of. If he were to return, without the desire for revenge...

A shudder passed through me and I slumped over, resting my arms on my knees. "When you are able to move again, I wonder, would you kill me?" I refused to look up at him. I didn't want to see the yes I knew he would give. The question, rhetorical. Why wouldn't he? "You don't need to answer for me to know you would."

I didn't look up as a fluxed moan came from him. Then, a growl. "Gaaaraaaaahhh"

I stiffened. What? I couldn't bring myself to look up.

"Ook ah me." His voice was off sounding, but understandable.

I didn't look up. I couldn't.

Another growl. "You hear me. I oh you ooh."

I flinched at the missing sounds. Yet... I looked up at him.

He was glaring at me. "I..." He trailed off, the vowel off sounding, but obvious. He took a breath.

"How?"

He didn't change his face from the consistent glare.

"Why didn't you speak before?" It came out in a whisper. If he could, why not speak?

His face softened, then he smiled. "You ca-ah why?" After a moment without an answer, he laughed. "You ou ee ah ook ong youah fay." The rest of what came sounded incoherent, but with the vowels clear.

I brought my hand to my face and realized my shock was readable. I trained my face back to its usual blank. "It's been over twenty years and you have never indicated a single coherent sound."

He hummed. "Paybach."

I tilted my head at him.

He took a breath. "Whe you came back, I..." He mumbled incoherently, then growled. "Baerra." Another sigh, then his eyes widened with a light 'ooh' sound emitting from him. "Irkeh."

"Irked?"

His eyes went up and down. "Yech, you wah Irkeh by my yack of..." He trailed off.

I tried to piece together what he said. "You realized I was bothered by the fact you couldn't speak?" His eyes went up and down. "How long?"

"Wheha you became Kage."

I stared at him. "There have been no reports."

He smiled. "Pwacach wheh ayoh."

I stared at him a moment as I replayed what he said in my mind. It had been some time since I attempted to understand anyone with a speech... Impairment. "Practiced when you were alone?"

His eyes nodded for him.

My stomach twisted. "Vermin." I buried my face in my hands. "All these years and you hid the fact you could communicate. I could have hired a physical therapist for you. Maybe your speech could be clearer by now."

"You wa-eh ooh forgeh." The tone was accusatory.

Accurate. "Yes." I didn't want to look at him anymore. I didn't want to talk to him anymore. I curled into myself, bringing my head between my knees and covering my head with my arms.

"Gaara."

I refused to acknowledge my name.

"I have wangeh ongry wong rea-ong I workeh ong my chpeach." The sound of the last word was guttural, but understandable. The rest of it however. "Gaara." This time my name was stronger, louder in his voice. Another moment passed before he sighed. "I forgive you."

These words were clear. I forgive you. A shiver ran down my spine and I weaved my fingers into my hair. _I forgive you._ He was lying. "You can't." I said it before my airways cut off by the lump forming there.

"I forgive you, Gaara." He half yelled it at me.

I pulled at my own hair, a deep throb ebbing out from my chest and my airways tightened further. "Can't... You..."

"Gaara..." He trailed off.

A full shudder passed through my body. I couldn't stop the sob which escaped my lips. Nor could I stop the following ones. I didn't want to. I let out the pain of it, the guilt of it with each shudder. They made my body convulse until my muscles felt sore. I sobbed until my voice no longer worked. I cried until every last ounce of my energy was spent.

Exhaustion. I couldn't stop it anymore. I let my arms fall to my sides and I stared at the posts holding up his bed. _I forgive you._ The words echoed over and over inside my mind. How? Sand rose in the air and I idly watched it float from my hunched position on the floor. I watched until my body insisted on rest and the world faded away.


	5. An Awful Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick update for once! I had some extra time waiting for my dad while he was getting cataract surgery so the next chapter should be done in the next few days as well. This has been a chapter I've been wanting to write for a while now, so it was fun to get it down. In a way, by taking the hiatus, I have been able to flesh out this area of the story so much better. My original outline had all the events up to the wedding so condensed it would have read terribly. Hope you enjoy the chapter! As always, comments/reviews serve to inspire <3

**Gaara**

Something caught in my sand, startling me back to my senses. I gathered the wisps, solidified them, and pointed them at whatever interrupted my rest. Then, as my eyes focused on the intruder, the sand fell to the floor. I pulled it back to my body. My heart lodged into my throat and I looked back to the previous place on the floor I was staring at before I gave in to rest. I swallowed. Why was he being quiet?

"Who?" The off sounding voice of Nobuo came and I flinched.

I wasn't ready for this. "My brother, Kankuro."

The man hummed. "Hi."

I looked up to Nobuo, a soft smile on his face. I sighed. I knew I would have to come clean eventually, but this was definitely not the way I intended this secret to be revealed. I chose not to look at my brother when I spoke. "How did you find me?"

"Junji."

I hummed. Of course, he would resort to him to find me when his initial search turned up nothing. Pressure went around my arm and I was on my feet, facing the man I didn't want to see.

"You mind telling me what in the hell this place is, and explaining why I've never once seen it on any maps or the yearly budget reports you forced me to read through every year?"

I kept my face as blank as I could muster. "This place is located on both the maps and budget report." Truth, twisted.

"Don't get me wrong, but I'm pretty sure I would recognize something pertaining to a bunkered hospital room in there. This place can't be cheap, Gaara."

"It isn't." I yanked my arm from him. "Though when it is presented as a type of experimental disposal facility created before Father passed away, it tends not to be inspected." Here I looked at him and instantly regretted it.

Kankuro sighed and walked over to Nobuo's bed. "So, just the facility was here, or this guy was here all that damn time?"

I swallowed again, hoping to dislodge the persistent lump inside my throat.

Kankuro's face twisted as he rounded the bed to the side exposing his back. "What the hell happened to you, huh?"

"Gaara."

I flinched at the single word which came from Nobuo's mouth.

Kankuro stared at me, an odd expression on his face. "What... What in the hell did you do to this guy? Why does it sound like he is talking with pebbles in his mouth?"

I crossed my arms and faced the door. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. This was happening. This was happening now. "He doesn't have a tongue. I only just found out he could talk."

A soft giggle sounded behind me. "I meched wih him."

I turned to face him. "How is that funny?" The words squeaked out of me.

This only seemed to fuel his laughter and Kankuro finished his circle around the bed. He knelt down next to him. "Open." Then, when Nobuo complied, he made a guttural sound of disgust. "God, Gaara, why?"

I felt numb. Why? Why had I done it? I asked myself constantly the exact question ever since I had him put in this room. "They just did it. They saved him, then they kept him alive. I figure they decided it was better to do as I asked rather than possibly irritate me." I know it wasn't the thing he asked exactly, but it's the only way I knew how to answer.

Hands went to my shoulders and forced me to face my brother. I didn't want to talk about this. I chose to stare at his chest instead of his face, once again grateful we weren't the same height. "Gaara, I know you know what I meant."

I swallowed and shifted my gaze to Nobuo. He was also watching me. Did he also want a full explanation? I pushed the hands away from me by grabbing them with sand and lifting them off of my person. Memories flashed through my mind. Screams, the vermin's annoying complacency, the sick feeling when I nearly killed him. I grabbed at my hair. I don't want to remember.

I had to. I could feel my body tremble. I let my legs give out and I caught myself with sand as I fell. I sat on the small bed of sand a moment before I attempted words. How would I word this? Where would I start? My mouth was dry.

I would start at the beginning. "I brought him home with me. I was going to kill him." I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around my middle. Kankuro witnessed the rotting aftermath of the house. Nobuo witnessed the beginning of it. "He... He was different. He wouldn't satisfy my need for fear, for screams for..." I trailed off.

"When?"

I chose not to answer him. "I kept him. I found out the only way to horrify him was to torture other people in front of him. He wouldn't so much as flinch if I broke a bone, but if I bled someone dry in front of him, the horror on his face was evident. So, I started to bring people home to kill. They were special. They were for my pet vermin to witness." I shuddered and buried my head between my legs. I didn't want them to look at me. I didn't want to acknowledge what I did. I didn't want to relive it. I took in another breath.

"He taught me how to read. By the end, I slowed down how many people I brought home. I..." I trailed off. I forced myself to continue. "I didn't understand it at the time, but I was growing to care for him. Then, one night..." I forced myself to look up to the man in the hospital bed. "He accused me of doing the exact thing I didn't know how to acknowledge. Me, care? Impossible." I could feel the sting in my eyes and let the tears soak into the sand around my eyes." I reacted, then, when I was about to finish him off, I couldn't. I panicked, I saved him. He's been here ever since." I took a breath. This one was more of a confession for the man in the bed rather than my brother.

"After you were here I tried to replace you. Nobody ever matched you and it irritated me. It was three more years and hundreds more guests before the house was boarded."

The man in the bed squeaked out a sound and I lowered my eyes to the floor, the look of surprise etched onto his face. No, it didn't end with him. It didn't end until Naruto. Until Temari insisted I stay with them after Father was killed. I clenched my hands. If I hadn't met Naruto, if... If I...

"You were nine?" Kankuro's voice pitched high with the question.

I didn't bother to respond to him, instead, I decided to study the marks on the stone floor in front of me. This wasn't the way I ever envisioned telling Kankuro about this person.

I felt a knock on my head following a deep sigh. "Well, I think we're even. Can't believe you kept this from me. Why did you anyway? I get the house, but why him?"

Even? I looked up to him. What was he talking about?

He cleared his throat and eyed the man in the bed. "Ah hell, it's not like he hasn't seen the worst parts of you, so why not?" He sat down next to me, pulling his legs up under him. He leaned forward. "Alright, listen. You murdered over five thousand people before you met the idiot who currently is at the top of a tower awaiting her prince crazy. I mean..." He scratched the side of his head. "How do I say it without being fucking blunt about it?"

Nobuo let out another squeak.

I swallowed and whispered out, "Vulgar."

"You... You cang alk ike ah"

I stiffened.

"Why not? This idiot deserves to be talked down to every so often, keeps him level-headed." Kankuro eyed me. "Well, kinda level headed." He gave a small shrug and tilted his head. "Anyway, ignoring the dude back there," He pointed with his thumb behind him at Nobuo, "You were kind of a psychotic fucking bastard and you still enjoy tearing people apart with your sand."

I went to protest and felt pressure on my jaw holding my mouth shut. I narrowed my eyes at him and pushed at his poised hands with sand, dispersing the pressure. "I despise you -"

"And you're going to kill me when I least expect it. Yeah, yeah I know. But don't deny it." He shoved a finger at my face and I batted it away. "You get the creepiest smile when you think about it. I've watched when you end our enemies. There are times you purposely take your damn sweet time just for the thrill of it. I know you know how to kill quickly, but you let them scream a while before you finish 'em off. Don't think I don't notice that."

I remembered the times he talked about. One being less than a year ago when my less than savory urges were tearing at me. We were attacked and I tore him apart by crushing a single limb at a time until only his top half remained, without arms. A shiver ran through me at the memory of the way he screamed. The way he pleaded to just die.

"Gods, Gaara, exactly."

I pressed my hand to my face to cover the evidence of my own traitorous thoughts. I looked away. I remembered. I remembered after imploding the rest of his body and pulling his warmth to me I turned to see Kankuro holding back my comrades. He looked pale. 'Feel any better? Shit.' Those were the only words he spoke to me until we returned home.

I remember cooking for him shortly after our return. I took a breath. "I don't know another way to control it. Death is only acceptable in battle." I looked back at him. He knew this was why I insisted on lighter security during our trips. I cleared my throat.

As though he knew what I was thinking, he spoke. "People are more likely to attack a small band of travelers. If they are unfortunate enough not to know who they are attacking, then they deserve the consequences." Kankuro rolled my own reasoning off his tongue with ease. "You've said it ever since you were a teenager. Back when it was just the three of us. Never liked it, but hell, at least you were directing it elsewhere instead of the people of Suna. They were just crazy enough to believe you only did it to protect them."

"I did do it to protect them." Truth. Mostly. My throat felt tight. Why were we having this conversation?

"Partially."

I looked back to Nobuo, who had stayed silent through our conversation. His eyes met mine and I averted my gaze back to my brother. Why were we having this conversation in front of _him_?

"It's also why you died for them, you ass."

Acid rose in my throat and my muscles tightened. This was not something I mentioned to the man here. He didn't need to know of my sacrifice. "Don't-"

He hummed as his fingers splayed out and the pressure returned to my jaw effectively cutting me off.

I was going to kill him for this. I eyed Nobuo again, who still watched me.

He kept his hands splayed while he turned to the man in the bed. "How much of his adventures has he mentioned to you anyway? You know this guy became Kazekage at the ripe old age of fifteen?"

No, I won't kill him for this. I should allow this.

"Got murdered a fucking year later after taking on a full city-sized explosion himself? Died after being tortured for three days?"

He was being vulgar. I clenched my fist. I didn't want him talking about this.

"Three entire days of torture, I can't even imagine it."

It was fine.

"We didn't even find him until..." He trailed off, brushing a hand through his hair.

It was fine.

"He was a damned stiff already. Gone a full day by the time we..." He trailed off again, the pain evident in his voice.

It wasn't fine. I couldn't do this anymore. I felt drained and the sand didn't respond when I went to move his hand to remove my muzzle. I couldn't let him say any more.

I shifted my weight and once I had leverage I lunged myself at him, clasping his mouth shut with my hand.

He pushed my hand away with ease then stood, lifting me up into the air with him. "God Gaara, stop being a jerk. I remember seeing your body on the ground. You were gone, Gaara. I don't know how they did it, but damn, every day I see you moving around I just want to hug that idiot."

I pushed him away from me. "Why...?" I trailed off unsure why he was going on about it. About my youth. About my death.

"I am saying I don't give a shit. I don't care how many people you kill, I don't care how you killed them. I don't care how that house of horrors of yours began, nor do I care that you kept this guy hidden for years. All I care about is the look you get when you look at your daughter. The look you get when something excites you. You smile Gaara. Not the type of smile you just fucking gave, but a real smile. Gaara, for the first time since you were a little shit you have experienced happiness." He pointed to the bed. "This guy here, how long was he with you?"

"I..."

"How long?"

"A year."

Kankuro blanched and looked to the man. "Why?"

"I -"

He held up a hand. "No, this one is for this guy. What was his name again?"

"Nobuo."

He knelt down. "Why? Why didn't you die?"

I felt cold. What? Why would he ask that? "Kankuro..."

Nobuo's brows pursed and he closed his eyes.

"I mean it. You know why more than my brother does. Believe it or not, in spite of being an advanced weapon with all the knowledge of every book he's read in Suna, he is still practically a kid."

"I am not a child."

He scoffed. "Then explain why I see you sneaking off every few days with the apple ice cream you swear you bought for your wife."

I felt the pinch of sand as it cracked on my face and I looked away. "It is delicious."

"Exactly." He sighed. "So why?"

There was a moment of silence. Then a sigh. "I cang ay a way oo oung igh." A growl came from him. "Gaara."

I forced myself to look at him. His eyes were on me, his face serious.

Kankuro looked back to me.

"Wheh I cah move, I weah wri fow you a owy."

Kankuro's face blanked. "What?"

"I think he just said he's going to write me a story when he's able to move."

"What the hell kind of answer is that?" He jerked his head back to the man in the bed.

"They developed a new treatment which is already starting to work. He can feel his hands and back, he is starting to move his fingers. I have already asked Sakura to help. I think, I think with her he..." I trailed off, my vision blurring again. I looked up to try and clear them. "I wanted to forget he existed, Kankuro."

"Then why now?"

I took a breath. I knew he thought it strange I allowed the girl to get away with what I did. "When Shinki broke into the house he brought a girl with him he just met."

"I was with you."

"She asked me if I remembered her uncle, the man in the picture, the name on the back. I knew, I knew immediately. Kankuro, Yumi is his niece. I didn't know his name until then. He refused to tell me. I needed to know if my hunch was correct, I came back."

Kankuro leaned over the man and studied him a moment. "Ah, yeah. I see it now. Wow, hell I see it." He gave a half-laugh. "Well, at least that explains why you let her get away with the whole Kimi incident." He sighed. "Even I know you wouldn't give a shit what Shinki thought if you pushed her out of the house and let her family at her for that one."

"I cannot look at her."

Kankuro looked back to Nobuo again. "Well, once you see it, you can't not see it can you?"

I hummed. Their resemblance was uncanny. "She is like a female version of him."

The confusion on Nobuo's face deepened.

"Why are you looking so weird? Aren't you happy you have family out there or something?" Kankuro frowned and leaned back toward him.

"I ohng have angy ibwingch."

Wait. I pushed Kankuro out of the way. "Impossible."

"I ohng have angy ibwingch." A wrinkle formed between his brows, showing his confusion. I tilted my head at his confusion and pressed on the wrinkle.

If what he said is true, then who was Yumi to him?

Kankuro gave a small knock on my shoulder. "How in the hell do you even understand him?"

I winced. I didn't want to say. I removed my finger from Nobuo's forehead.

Nobuo laughed. Laughed hard.

I shot a glare at him. "I think I need to speak with Yumi." Kankuro didn't need to know the various ways I would torture my guests. A favorite back then was to spike my victims tongues outside their mouths forcing them to speak and beg with barely any use of their tongues. I buried my face into my hands. "I should have known you would figure out how to talk."

He was eleven when I kidnapped him. If he had a sibling after I took him, they would be, at the most twenty-seven years old. In order to have a child Yumi's age, they would have to have been eleven when they gave birth to her. "Impossible." She wasn't lying to me though. She was looking for her relative, I could tell in her eyes.

What was her secret then? How could she look so much like him? She couldn't possibly know I was keeping Nobuo alive, could she? I took a breath. No, not with the surprise she showed when I tried to talk to her about him when I thought she figured out what I did. She was too sincere about wanting me to kill her so she wouldn't risk death by her family, too sincere about wanting to protect my son. "I think we should head back."

A hand grabbed my shoulder and I stiffened. "Gaara, about why I came. It's Kimi."

I felt cold and looked to him, my question on my face.

"She did it again."

I stared at him. What? "How is this important enough to find me?"

He sighed. "It is also past the time of your outing."

I swallowed. "We can go tomorrow."

"Gaara, she did it again." This time, he was more insistent with the words. My confusion must have shown on my face because he continued. "With sand, Gaara. She used sand."

With... I raised a hand and called my sand splayed through the room back to my body. I felt sick. Nobuo was almost too much to deal with. My exhaustion was too much to deal with. My coming outing with my precious Kisarei was too much to deal with. I attempted to hide the light waver in my hand and I looked down at the man in the bed. Yumi looked too much like him, and I never sensed anything off about how she presented herself to be so deceptive as to attempt an infiltration of my household. I swallowed. I need to leave. "Nobuo, I will find the connection between you and Yumi." My voice sounded hoarser than I desired, but I meant the promise.

As soon as I dealt with what happened at my house. With this, I was out the door, down the corridor, and ignored the boy near the entrance. For a moment. I turned to him. "Never say a word of this place."

"Yes Lord Kazekage." Junji gave a small bow and waited for Kankuro before following.

I moved on autopilot. In a way, I felt... Lighter. I wasn't sure if the odd feeling was due to finally getting rest, or due to no longer hiding Nobuo from Kankuro. Either way, it did not matter. Not when Kimi was using sand again. I felt cold. I knew it would only be a matter of time. I didn't expect it so soon. She hadn't had another incident since she grew accustomed to her mother.

I started to climb the stairs. "Gaara!" I ignored him. I needed to get to Kimi. Why had it taken so long to tell me? Why had I left? Why-

"So fucking useless." It was her. Bile crept up and stung at the edges of my throat. I froze just before entering the room. Useless.

"So you rush off then freeze the moment you get here. Makes sense, complete fucking sense." Kankuro sighed and pushed past me and opened the door. He stilled in front of me. "What the hell happened here?"

The words brought me out of my stupor and I walked into the room behind him. What was in front of me was best described as chaos. The first thing I noticed was the woman laying on her stomach on the floor crying. Crying? I grabbed whatever sand was near her and carefully placed her back onto her bed. I could hear the groan as I did. I clenched my fist and watched her move her arms to cover her face. I wanted to fix her. Make her better.

Kankuro groaned and muttered some gibberish about how bad the day was, but the only sound which mattered emanated from the bassinet. I ignored him and went to my other main concern. I went to where the small cry came from and reached for my Kimi. I brought her to my chest and the small child calmed. I let out a breath. I cupped her tiny face and her eyes focused on me. Butterflies erupted in my stomach and I felt calm. For only a moment, however, as a whimper came from behind me and I heard Kankuro tell the bloodied girl on the floor to hold still.

This was turning into a very tiring day. I kissed the top of Kimi's head, then took a single step toward her mother before I remembered I wasn't allowed near her. I took a breath and passed my thumb over the recessed marks on my daughter's cheeks. Then, I gathered sand around her and moved her in front of Kisarei.

She still held her arms over her face and I moved her forward. When her arms fell from her reddened eyes I could feel the throb of pain in my heart from the sight. I didn't have time, nor was I able to console her, instead the only words I could say were, "Hold her." I cringed inwardly at the statement, even I could tell how harsh my voice sounded. But, Kimi would make her feel better, wouldn't she?

I grabbed hold of her arms, bringing them out to hold Kimi and gave her to my wife to hold. When her arms went around her, and she kissed the top of her head I turned. I went to the girl on the floor and knelt before her. The girl was bleeding from both her hand and knee. Broken and discarded bloodied glass littered the floor next to white flowers. The ones Shinki made for me when I was attempting to woo her before Kimi was born. I frowned at them. She broke the vase Hari made for them?

Annoying. I grabbed her hand and worked at fixing the cut, making sure there were no major injuries. No arteries or veins. No small bones, but still deep enough to cause pain and a decent amount of blood. I reached down, sealing the wound from the inside. Then, I moved to her knee. This injury was more serious, the glass hit the bone here. She was going to be sore, even with healing. I was decent at it, but I was no Kimiko or Sakura when it came to the finer things. Finer things like connecting tissue back to the bone. I was better at the opposite. I pulled my hands back from the girl, leaving it still visible, but sealed.

I flipped my hand, grabbing nearby sand and removed the glass and blood, grinding them into the sand, and pulled it to my body. I felt a tinge of warmth and a slight shiver ran through my body. I took a breath in through my nose as I fought the desire to feel more of it against my body. Within the last hour Kankuro called me out on my continued desire to kill, and here I was relishing the feel of blood in my armor just after. Monster.

I despised the word, yet I would never be free of it. I stood and worked at thinking of something else. Not better, but something else. I looked at my wife. My betrothed. She still held Kimi and was watching us, her tears no longer flowing from her eyes. This at least was a good sign. Then, her face contorted. "So, uh, where have you been? Kankuro said you were missing."

Not what I wanted to talk about. Never. A groan sounded from beside me and I turned enough to see where to place the sand over his traitorous mouth. No. Fluxed sound came from him, but I didn't care. Nobuo was a secret only I would divulge.

Eventually. Probably. The day's events flooded my mind and I held out my arms. I brought sand around my daughter and brought her back to me, allowing the weight of her in my arms to clear my own thoughts. I pulled the sand back from my hand and brushed her forehead with my thumb. My sweet child. I decided she was my best chance of keeping myself calm and spoke to her instead of her mother. "Kankuro said she used sand again today?" Also something I didn't want to think about. Too much. Too much all at once, again.

"She reached for her rattle." Her voice was low, almost irritated sounding.

Wait. What? She... My body stiffened and I looked at her. She couldn't have. She barely used sand at all to attempt... She...

"Don't get me wrong, but it's kinda obvious." Her hand shoved forward, half pointing, the irritation evident in the movement.

I followed the movement with my eyes. A large pile of sand piled at the end of the dresser against the wall, chaotic and splayed across the floor. "She..." My throat closed. Not like me. Temari said this to me before they left. How... How do I deal with this? I looked back down at my daughter. I forced my face to blank as once again acid rose in my throat. The lump there lodged completely and I could feel the falling feeling of dread. I did not want her to see this. I didn't want anyone to see this.

I don't know how to help Kimi. I don't know what to do. What was I going to do? "You are unable to stop it." I hoped this simple statement would explain why I had to take her with me. I wouldn't risk the potential of Kimi accidentally injuring her own mother.

A sound left her. "Yeah, I know." She sounded defeated. I ignored the feel of pulling of sand as another moan escaped my brother.

I had to fix this. I scanned the room and settled on the flowers. I grabbed them and moved them to her lap, letting them fall the last few inches to gain her attention. I did not want her to feel the pressures of my life. I needed her to be the bright light she always had been from before. I could not drag her into my personal abyss. I stared at Kimi. My sweet precious child, how can I help you? I felt tightness between my brows at the thought.

"Gaara?"

I closed my eyes and worked at removing the tightness. Emotions are weakness, emotions betray thought. She didn't need to know I had no idea what I was doing. No. She merely needed to stay. To know I would never falter in my desire for her to be here.

Oddly, the flowers were perfect for this moment. I remembered their meaning, it was the most meaningful of the eleven days of tasks my sister had given me. The one thing I knew for sure. The one thing I would never doubt. The one thing which would go beyond the day I eventually passed from this world, once again. I opened my eyes and looked at her. Even now, when she sat broken on my bed, her hair disheveled, and looking as though she'd been crying for hours, she was the most beautiful creature I ever laid eyes upon. "Their meaning has not changed."

As soon as the words left me, the lump returned. Her fingers traced the stems and I looked to the door. Closed. I grabbed the nearest sand and pulled it open. I added sand to the man still attempting to remove the sand from his mouth and with a flick of my wrist, he was out the door. I once again ignored the influx of sound coming from him and moved toward the exit. I stilled just before exiting. Where have you been?

She had asked it of me earlier. She deserved an answer. I didn't have an answer. Not one I wanted to explain. Not in its entirety. How to explain? "I went to visit an old friend." I left before I choked at the words. Friend. The word was pushing it.

Far fetched and impossible, but the only way I could explain. I left the room and shut the door behind me. I let out a breath the moment it closed. I looked back down at her. Then, I cradled her to my body. Why? Why did this have to happen to her? Why her? She must have sensed my emotion because she began to fuss. Fuss.

Sand. I swallowed and flexed my fingers. I felt out for nearby sand. Every speck of it. Every nook, every corner, every surface. For now, I would only take the loose grains, but I would return. I was going to leave nothing behind. Nothing. I pulled the grains to me through the small opening beneath the door and built them into my armor. I would leave nothing. Nothing. I would chance nothing.

I killed my uncle when I was a child without thought. The shock at seeing his face after I crushed him for attacking me still felt fresh, even after all these years.

Of course, her mother would never try to kill her, but perceived threat and true threat sometimes were indiscriminate. I had killed a few people before then, and they were all accidents. I couldn't control it yet. I didn't know how to.

"Gaara?" Kankuro's voice was soft.

I looked up to him. When had I dropped his gag? I remembered my question to Temari, her reassurance. I took a breath. I had to share. I had to leave. I had to confront Yumi. I had to bring Shinki home. I had to protect Naruto. I had to stay.

I wanted to sit down. I ignored the second utterance of my name and headed down to the kitchen. Chairs. Too many stairs, especially when the only thing I wanted was to sit down. Soon, yet far too long of a wait, the kitchen came into view from the top of the stairs. I released sand from my body and pushed myself down the stairs, carrying me as I cradled my daughter in my arms. I didn't bother to lift it when I entered the room, allowing thought to carry us to the table. Here I dropped the sand, not caring about it littering the floor. I would clean it later.

I fell into the chair, groaning only when the jarring motion made my baby fuss. I shifted her in my arms and rubbed my thumb on her forehead. I whispered incoherent words at her, knowing she calmed with just the sound of my voice. I watched her as she calmed, then after a few minutes, fell asleep. I let out a breath then shifted enough so she would be more comfortable on my chest, using sand as an extra form to keep her in place.

I looked up and noticed my brother sitting opposite of me. I looked back at my Kimi. "I do not know how to be a good father to her, Kankuro." I felt tired. Not in the 'I need to rest' way, but... Somehow different. Worn, in a way.

He snorted, covered his mouth with his hand, and stifled what I assume was a laugh as his shoulders bounced.

I narrowed my eyes at him.

He lowered his hand but left the telltale smile in place.

"I do not understand what you find funny about this."

He leaned back, crossing his arms as he did. "Don't get me wrong, but I think you have it down better than anybody else I've ever been around with kids."

I stared at him, schooling my face to its usual blank. "I don't understand." How?

He gave another snort. "Well, for one, you babble at her to calm her down every time she gets even remotely upset. You feed her, and you know the difference between her cries. You carry her everywhere you go when you aren't forcing yourself to let her be with her mom."

"I had to work."

"Right. Like it stopped you before." He shifted in his chair, leaning forward, and placed his arms on the table. "Listen Gaara, no matter what you say, you're a good dad." He leaned forward and pressed a finger to the place between my brows. "Your worry is showing again."

I looked away from him. I didn't know how to voice what I worried about. About the inherent power behind her sand. The way it was chaotic. Would the sand act as a spare limb for her as it did myself? Would it act only on her emotion as it indicated now?

Or would it be something else? I didn't know what this something else was, but it worried me. I remembered how hard it was to get control of the sand she used over two months ago during the initial meeting of her mother.

I was taken out of my thoughts as the finger pressed to my head rubbed in a circle. "What the hell are you thinking about anyway?"

I pushed his hand away from me. I studied him a moment. How to say it? I had to try. "What if I can't control what she cannot?"

"Then we will figure it out as we go." He pushed off from the table, standing back up. He folded his arms and moved to lean on the food cupboard. His smile was gone, a shadow on his face. "That kind of worry, that fear, it's what led to you." He looked at the wood of what he was leaning on. "I remember. I was still young, but the way they talked about you. It was like you weren't a person, but just a body housing a power they couldn't control." The muscles in his jaw flexed. "I snuck down during a meeting once. Dad, he hated all the formal shit, so he had people come here instead." He waved a hand in front of him.

I wasn't sure I wanted to hear, but he didn't often talk about before.

"Damn, this has been a fucked up day."

"Vulgar." I whispered it, not wanting to stop him.

He looked over at me, his eyes glistened. "Anyway." He cleared his throat. "It was what, about a month before our mission to Konoha?" He trailed off, then didn't continue.

Was he wanting me to answer? I tilted my head. "I would not know if this is the correct time frame."

A ghost of a smile passed his features. "Nah, you wouldn't." Another breath. "They discussed ways to eradicate the demon. They would use it as a distraction, and if the enemy hadn't found a way to disperse it themselves, they would remove it when it was weak enough not to survive an attack."

I hummed. "Yes, it sounds to be a likely move from them."

Kankuro's shoulders slumped, then he slid down the side of the wall, his shoulder barely catching him as he went down.

My heart lurched. "Kankuro?" I stood from my chair. Was he alright? What happened? Was he hurt? He didn't move. I made a bassinet from sand as fast as I could, placed Kimi down, and rushed to him. I flexed my hand over him and started to feel out for injuries. If he were hurt, I would heal it. I had to.

He grabbed my hand and pulled me forward.

My breath hitched as his arms wrapped around my body and his hold tightened as I attempted to jerk away from the sensation. "What..." I trailed off. What was happening? The weight of him took me off guard and I tried to shift to keep myself standing. He was alright?

"Why are you always so fucking calm about it?" His hold on me tightened and I lost my footing, falling onto him. "Until then, until then I didn't comprehend it. I told Temari. I told her..." A shudder erupted from him. Hugging me?

Was he crying? "Kankuro?" I pushed some, the shock of the sudden embrace wearing off and the familiar sickening tickle came. I attempted to allow the hug, but... My stomach lurched and my skin crawled. Touching me. He was touching me. "Don't touch me." I peeled his arms away from me and shoved off, rolling onto the floor next to him.

He gave a half laugh and shifted so he was sitting against the wood of the doors. "We followed you the day you met him. Kept near until you were done fighting." He scoffed. "Who knew that blonde-haired twerp had it in him to beat you senseless. He had it as bad as you though from what I remember. No idea how he kept moving." He took a deep breath, then silence.

I stayed on the floor, not having the energy to move yet. I didn't feel like it. I wasn't sure what he was trying to say. The words only brought on memories of that day. He inched towards me, without that bright smile, the constant jokes and annoying rambling which escaped him, in that moment his mask was down. The pain in his eyes, in his face, it was unmistakable. "Uzumaki is a fast healer. If you arrived five minutes later, he likely would have been standing again. I do not have this luxury."

Kankuro gave me an odd look. "How is it everything I say somehow ends up being..." He held up his hands. "You know, never mind."

I shifted so I was on my back and looked up to the ceiling. "What were you trying to say?"

"We were going to use ourselves as a buffer until we got back home that day. Their plans fell through though when Dad bit it though. They never even made a move."

Not for a while. I clenched my fists as I remembered.

_I sat in the bed cross-legged. The room still decorated as though I was a small child. When was the last time I had stayed here for more than a single night? Did it matter?_

_I felt a chakra outside the window and stilled. I closed my eyes so I could focus on it. It had only been two days since I fought him. I was not yet back to full strength. They wouldn't do a full attack here, at my siblings' house, would they?_

_As though to answer my thought something came at me through the window and I caught it with sand. Then, whatever it was exploded. I was knocked off the bed. Kill it, make it bleed. The voice in my head was so loud, I wanted to appease it. I let the sand drop, then formed it into a ball. It would be easy. Easy to destroy the attacker. I crossed my arms and neared the window. A man, two buildings away. He staggered away, the fear emanating from him just like the vermin he was._

_But... But how could I be like him if I did such a thing? Was it even possible for me to ever reach such a level of light as him? I felt the injury on my forehead from when he broke me free of my trance. I had to try. I grit my teeth. I flicked my wrist, expelling the sand from my window in a small spray. Once it cleared I gave a small wave to the man and returned to my previous position on my bed._

_The door slammed open. "Hey, what happened?" Kankuro looked panicked, his face covered in paint._

_I shrugged._

_"There was an explosion."_

_"Was there?" I tilted my head._

_"I..." He trailed off, frowned then scratched his head. He looked around the room and sighed. "Man, I've gotta be damned paranoid."_

_"Do you always wear war paint when at home?" I chose to change the subject. Besides, I was curious. He hadn't removed it since we returned._

_He groaned. "If you need anything, just call or something, ok?"_

No, he never needed to know. I took a breath, wanting to change the subject. "Yumi, she..." I didn't know how to phrase it.

"Hey, Gaara?"

I allowed gravity to turn my head towards him.

"Don't get me wrong, but wouldn't it be better to wait to see what she's hiding until at least tomorrow? I myself kinda feel done with today." He gave me a half-smile.

I gathered sand beneath my back and pushed myself up to a seated position. "She looks too much like him, Kankuro." I said it without thought. I said it because I needed to. Because I had no idea what else to say.

"What do you want me to tell the council for why we didn't make today's scheduled outing?"

"I have one more day to complete it. I had things which needed attending to. They need no other explanation." I felt grateful for the change in subject. Yes, Yumi could wait, but now I knew she was not his niece.

So what was her connection then? Why would she carry his photo if not a close relative? Did she even know? I rubbed my forehead. I didn't need this. Not now. Not when I had to prepare for tomorrow's outing. "We should make the outing more for noon. The juniors will be practicing, they will be a little younger than when we met." I leaned forward, resting my arms on my knees. "You need to get up early to help me dress for it."

"You could wear your ninja garb for this one." There was an annoyed undertone to his voice.

I did my best to blank my face. Today was exhausting. "The stipulation was every outing. The stipulation extended only to myself and the docket mentioned she should wear traditional ninja garb for this one." I narrowed my eyes at him. "You will show up early to help me dress for it."

He cleared his throat then changed the subject. "You sound tired, even though you were clearly resting when we hunted you down."

I didn't respond. I was tired, exhausted, but not in the way I needed rest. When would things calm down? Would it be when my son returned, when Nobuo was healed enough he could walk, when my wife could walk?

I swallowed. When our ceremony took place? There were things I still needed to research, things I put off due to my desire to not acknowledge my attraction to my wife. I hadn't had an incident requiring self-medication in months.

The very thought made me think of it. The thought started the familiar pinch in my face before the cracking could sound. I covered the cracks with my hands, my embarrassment at them making them even worse.

"Worth it though, isn't it?" His voice was light.

I kept my hands to the telltale cracks in my armor. My silence was answer enough.


	6. Preparations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Sorry for the long delay, it's been a crazy couple of weeks for me. First I went on an anniversary trip with my boyfriend, and in the end got into a car crash. (Ouch) Thankfully we both came out of it ok, and I only ended up with some scrapes, bruises, and a strained shoulder. My car, however, was totaled by the insurance company. So now I have a new car and am back to work full time. Odd when something like that happens though, you get a better sense of what matters. I am more determined than ever to make writing a full-time career. In the words from my favorite song from Keaton Henson's Pugilist - I still have art in me yet.
> 
> As always, comments/reviews serve to inspire <3

**Kisarei**

I woke to the sound of curtains being drawn then bright light assaulting me in my sleep. I groaned and held a hand over my eyes. "What the hell time is it?" I mumbled it, knowing my visitor would probably still hear me.

"Oh good, you're awake." She sounded bored.

I lowered my hand and grumbled something even I wasn't sure the meaning of at Yumi. "You damn well knew I was going to wake up to that."

"Did I?" She snickered, came up, and flopped onto my bed. "Chuyo said she wanted my help this morning with dressing you. Something about not a lot of time before today's outing or something." She shrugged. "Either way I want out before he sees me again. Still don't want to press my luck after, well." She held her arms up in a cradle motion.

"Kimi?"

She pointed her finger at me. "Exactly." She took a breath. She went to say something, then closed her mouth. She gripped the bed then after a short moment shoved herself off and went to the window. "Hey, sunrise from here looks pretty cool, doesn't it?" She turned to look at me, smiling.

A smile I knew too well. A bit too wide. A bit too fake. I stretched out, wanting the tightness in my lower back and hips to go away. "Damn, I remember when I could stretch standing the fuck up." I groaned and finished sitting up.

The kid didn't respond to my complaint, just remained looking out the window. "Hey, what were you going to say just then?"

She spoke to the window. "Does it matter?"

"You figured my secret out, it's only fair to at least let me in on your thoughts."

She looked over her shoulder at me and the same smile returned. "Just thinking about when Shinki returns. You think it will be soon?"

"You're lying."

She wrapped her arms around herself. "It's going to be obvious by now."

I sighed. Was it just me, or did everyone in Suna tend to speak in code? "What's that?"

"My family, they would have noticed a while ago I was missing. They don't pay attention much to media, so if they haven't noticed me accompany you someone must have. It has to be obvious now it is likely to do with the Kazekage somehow. Realized I've defected instead of the Kazekage killing me again." She gave a laugh. "What in the heck are they going to think when they find out the truth? That I not only defected but am actually living with in the same house as the Kazekage and am thinking of..." She trailed off. She let out a sigh and returned to sitting on my bed.

I smiled. Well, this was more like it. I thunked her shoulder. "Hey, at least you're already figuring out what you want. Hell, took me over thirty years to figure out where my own head was at." Wait. I stared at her a moment as what she said sank in. "What did you mean by again?"

Her body went rigid. "Again? I don't remember saying anything..." She trailed off, a look of panic crossing her features. She put her hand to her mouth. "I didn't mean... I just..."

I stared at the girl as she started to cry. A familiar panic rose in me. What made girls cry so damned easy anyway? I held out my hands to show I meant no harm. "What the hell? It was just a question. Didn't know you'd be damned weird about it. I thought you misspoke or something. Damn."

My words only seemed to make her cry harder. Damn it, damn it, damn it. "Um, hey. We all have secrets, okay? Yours can't be all that bad. I mean, hell, I was a man not all that long ago. I get the whole family abandonment issue. I have kids, you know. Two of them outside of Kimi. I don't even think they know I'm alive." I grabbed her shoulder and gave a small shake. "Are you listening to me? Come on."

She stood then turned to face me, dropping her arms to her sides. "I don't... I don't want to explain. I know someday I'll have to, but..." She trailed off then took a breath. "My family says my birthmarks are related to the way my spirit died in my past life."

Past life? "Since when did you have birthmarks?" What the hell was she on about anyway?

She bent down and grabbed the edge of her dress. Then started to pull it up.

"Hey, I ain't that kinda guy ok, I..." I trailed off and placed my hand over my mouth.

"You should probably watch that."

I nodded as she continued. Then, as she neared the top of her legs, something dark came into view.

What? "What in the hell?"

She kept the skirt bunched in her hand as she did a twirl. A jagged, yet perfect line all the way around both legs. "My grandmother thought I had some kind of circulation problem at first. Had me checked out by all the doctors in the resistance." She dropped her skirt and sat back down on the bed. "What is bothering me is my siblings are going to be watched now, once they figure out what I've done. We were the only ones with full freedom there, you know."

"You really think it could stem from a past life?" It seemed a bit weird to me.

She sighed. "I know it is, as I said, I didn't want to explain."

I scrunched my nose. "What kind of injury would cause that kind of mark anyway?"

She swallowed, then paused. "I'm not sure I want to know." She looked at me then, an odd look to her face. "Hey, uh..." She took a breath. "You know him, probably better than most. This might seem a really weird question, but..." She trailed off, then remained quiet.

I despise silence. "Spit it."

She shook herself out of it. "Back from when he was killing people here, do you think he would have kept people together at the same time?"

I stared at her. Well, that wasn't what I thought she was going to ask. "What the hell kind of question is that?"

She stood from the bed with a half-laugh. She turned to me, that fake smile back on her face. "Hey, uh, I am just going to go fetch Chuyo, ok? Forget I said anything." She rushed for the door and slammed it.

"Yumi!" I yelled it at the door. I felt cold. Kept people? The idea sent a small chill down my spine. I knew what he was like. I saw it with my own eyes. From anything I could tell, he was tame around me, even when he did kill the people we were fighting. Swift, precise. But... I could remember the way he wanted to kill Lee back then. The look in his eye, the desire to kill. He would get it during battle sometimes, that same look.

I tried not to think about his past and present blood lust when it came to him. _Thousands._ Temari's words back from my before echoed in my mind. I ignored the shiver the thought sent down my spine.

It was only a few more minutes before I heard a light knock on the door. It opened and Chuyo came in. Alone. I frowned. "What happened to Yumi?"

Chuyo shrugged. "No idea. She popped in my room, said you were ready and she remembered there was something else she needed to do." She sighed. "At least this should be a little easier than the usual stuff."

A weight formed in my stomach. "Oh." She wouldn't leave, would she? I swallowed in hopes it would remove the worry. She knew who I was. When she was by herself, it's nice not to have to act like someone else for once. I cleared my throat. "So, how's your knee?"

Her face reddened at my question. "It is fine, Lady Kisarei. Thank you." She went to the dresser and grabbed the box from the top of it. "Here, let's get started on this. It will take a little longer since it's just me today."

I let out a breath. "Okay, let's get it over with." I eyed the box, remembering what was inside. I couldn't help the sense of dread I got from it. What were we doing today anyway?

I was alone again. I groaned and threw a pillow toward the door. Why did I have to be so damned useless? Everything went well until the bottom half of me. Why was the bottom half so complicated? I mean, I know Gaara remembered I couldn't stand, he carried me around in a ball of sand every time we left. So... Why? I threw another pillow. Why did I have to upset Yumi? Why did my legs not want to work? Why - toss, why - toss, why? I went to reach for another pillow, to find I was out. I froze and looked at the mess I made. I gave a half-laugh. So much for letting out some tension. The majority of the damn things were only a few feet from where I sat on the edge of my bed.

I looked down at my arm and hit it. Light tingles ebbed out from where I hit. "Never been happier I lost an arm rather than a leg." Though, maybe it would have prepared me some for this part of my recovery. I would recover.

I had to.

The door slammed open. "What are you guys going to do when I eventually..." She froze in the doorway and looked at the floor. Then, she laughed. She outright completely laughed. "I leave for what, an hour, and you go crazy."

I stared at her. "Hey, Yumi." I waved at her, not having any idea what to say to her. Was she still upset with me?

She let out a breath. "Hey." She started to pick up the pillows. "Think you would have missed these later."

I shrugged. "Maybe, but it felt good to throw something even though I suck at it anymore."

She motioned her eyes to Chuyo and I rolled mine in response. I didn't care. Even for a girl, my strength sucked. Hell, being a girl wasn't an excuse if you added people like Sakura and Grandma Tsunade into the equation.

"You shouldn't worry about it, my Lady." Chuyo came from behind Yumi and helped with the pillows. "From what I can tell you were able to walk before having Princess Kimi. So until you are better, it should be fine, shouldn't it?"

There it was again. I frowned. Why did they keep saying that? "Don't get me wrong, but why does Kimi get the princess in front of her name?"

Chuyo looked confused. "Why wouldn't she?"

Yumi giggled as she picked up the last of the pillows. "Of course you wouldn't know. The family of the Kazekage is both revered and..." She trailed off and twisted the corner of her lip up as she thought. "Well, they don't exactly hate them, more like..." She trailed off again. "How do I say it?"

Chuyo neared my bed and sat beside me on the bed. "I see what you're asking now." She gave me a wide smile. "Suna was here before the ninja came, the high family always ruled us before they came. We were sheltered from the outside world, and when they took power and opened us up to the outside, they adopted the new way of naming the leaders here." She grabbed the fabric at my side and pulled on it. She patted the bed. "Lay back, and listen." Her smile went from wide to tight.

My stomach twisted. I hated this part of getting dressed. I looked to Yumi then nodded. I laid back with Chuyo's help, her keeping the fabric tight on my top half as I did. Once I was in place I looked up at the crooked spiral on my ceiling. I took a deep breath. When they worked together, they were more efficient, but it didn't make the process any more bearable. They discovered this method a few weeks in. A method faster than trying to balance me on my legs when they didn't want to work anymore.

This method also made it even more obvious my body didn't want to work. "Ok." My voice was shaky, and I hated the fact it showed my emotion.

Chuyo continued. "The people accepted the rule of the foreigners, naming their leader in the same fashion as the new rule desired, as long as they upheld the laws of our people."

"I'm starting." Yumi grabbed hold of my hips and pulled me partially off the bed.

Pain ebbed out from the small of my back, down my legs and I hissed from it.

"Flat feet please."

I pulled my feet up until I felt the cold surface beneath my feet. Soon, the familiar tingles crawled down my legs. It wouldn't be long before I lost the ability to move them.

Chuyo released the fabric and leaned on my shoulders. "While they allowed them, they never acknowledged them as true leaders, appointing the council of old to oversee any decisions made on the people beyond the foreigners."

Yumi moved my legs, pulling fabric onto my body, sending pins and needles in small shock waves up to my spine.

"While the new Kazekage would be chosen from the family line, it didn't matter. Until now."

"Why?" Against my will, my eyes began to sting.

Yumi gave a small chuckle as my body jerked at the movement of another piece of fabric being yanked onto my body. She leaned over a moment so I could see her. "Haven't you heard? There is going to be a true Lady of Suna, the first since the takeover."

"She was acknowledged by the council as a true princess. I think they mean to bridge the gap between the Kazekage and the Emmerant."

I swallowed as Yumi started to work the fabric around my hips. "The Emmerant?"

Chuyo hummed. "The leaders of old. There has not been an Emmerant since the Kazekage line took over Suna."

"Got it."

Chuyo let out a breath and shifted. She removed her weight from my shoulders and grabbed me beneath my arms. An eruption of pins and needles formed behind my knees. "Lift."

My body moved back and the bed was back underneath me to my knees. "There, all done Lady Kisarei." Chuyo let go of me, rounded the bed, and helped me back to a sitting position.

"Thanks." I hated this method. It made it easier on them though, so I let them. I'm so useless. I gasped as hands went to my legs, rubbing them.

"I know you lose feeling in your legs when we do this. You shouldn't thank us for that."

I looked away from both of them. "It's not like I can dress myself from the waist down without you guys, so yeah. Thanks."

Someone cleared their throat. "So, there have been rumors around Suna center," Chuyo spoke in a whisper, her voice soft. "Because of the way the Kazekage has been dressing, they think it may be a possibility a future child could become Emmerant. Could you imagine? Both an Emmerant and a Kazekage at the same time?"

Future? My mouth went dry and I licked my lips. Other people were hoping for it. Would I be able to? The thought plagued me at random ever since the day we visited Gaara's friend and his hissed 'yes' to my question.

Was it weird I wanted to give him what he wanted? I felt my face heat up. I would see him today. I wanted to be with him again. "Hey, Yumi." My voice cracked and I swallowed to try and get my nerves in check.

She hummed.

"Could you get me some books on the old families of Suna? Ones that talk about the Lady? I am starting to want to know what I'm in for here."

She stopped rubbing my legs and smiled up at me. "Sure, gives me an excuse to go to the library."

"What is it about reading you find so fascinating?" Chuyo came back with the makeup palette I was getting far too familiar with.

Yumi shrugged. "Probably genetic. My uncle was the grandson to one of the elder council members. They are kind of notorious for being well-read and bookish." She gave a half-laugh. "Kinda figures I end up somewhere I can actually pursue a bit of it."

I frowned at her. The way she phrased it was a bit odd. "If your uncle was related, wouldn't you be?"

She stiffened a moment, then relaxed. The smile she wore next was obviously fake. "Yeah, you're right." She turned. "Um, anyway, I'll go get your shoes, alright?" She headed out of the room before I could respond.

I looked to Chuyo. "But... Aren't my shoes in here?"

"I thought they were." She grabbed a cloth and then held my chin. "Hold still a moment, please."

The cool cloth pressed over my face and I closed my eyes and focused only on the feeling of it. Somehow, the makeup process became my favorite part of getting ready for my outings with Gaara. Sort of. The cloth, the pressure, the gossip between my attendant and Yumi become such a constant, it made the days easier to get through.

The pressure and cool sensation left and I opened my eyes. "You think she'll be back?"

Chuyo opened the palette and a small brush. "Maybe. If not I can handle the shoes myself. Either way, I am grateful for her help today. She's been a little bit quell lately."

I stared at her. "She's been what?" I scrunched my nose as she dipped the brush into the black color.

She stilled. "She's been a little bit quell."

I continued to stare at her. So I did hear her right. "What in the hell does quell mean?"

"You..." She trailed off and lowered her brush. "You haven't heard of quell?"

"If I did, you think I would ask?" I crossed my arms. Gods, why did I keep doing that? I swallowed at the odd feeling of putting pressure on the protrusions located there. I stayed in the position, hoping Chuyo wouldn't notice my discomfort in my own motion. I would get used to this.

I had to get used to this. Damn, but what the hell? How did women get used to this?

"Are you all right?"

Shit. I lowered my arms. "Yeah, I'm fine."

She picked the brush back up and held my chin again. "Close your eyes."

I followed her instructions and soon I felt the cool tip of the brush start outlining my eyes. Her hand lifted from my left eye and I remembered something. Wait. I opened my eyes and grabbed her hand. "You didn't tell me what quell is."

"Oh, I didn't, did I?" She lowered the makeup again. "Quell is a popular game here, I didn't realize it might not be popular beyond Suna." She smiled. "Once you are better, maybe I could teach you to play?"

I frowned. "So... Yumi's been playing a lot of a game lately?"

Her face contorted. "I... No. She's..." She trailed off. She bit at her bottom lip then took a breath. "She's a little back and forth lately."

"Oh." I scoffed. "Why didn't you say that to begin with? I've never heard Gaara or his family use the term before, can't be that popular."

Chuyo's face fell. "Well, they aren't Suna proper." Her words were half spat out. I must have shown the shock at her tone because her hand went to her face. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean..." She trailed off.

Then I noticed. Then, I laughed. This girl, when she wasn't busy hurting herself, amused the shit out of me. "Chuyo, you're going to need to wash your face."

She froze and her brows furrowed. "Oh no." She set down the makeup and rushed off to the bathroom. The light popped on and a moment later I heard, "No, no, no, no," followed by a whimper.

The door opened. "Found them." Yumi came in and looked around. "Where..."

Another whimper came from the bathroom. "Why do I have to be so clumsy?"

"Catch." Yumi tossed what she was holding at me and headed toward the bathroom.

I caught them, partially. I fumbled a moment and I groaned as one of the shoes fell to the floor. I heaved a sigh and looked at what was in my hand. Of course. Why not? Ninja sandals. I felt a heavy twist in my stomach. Another reminder of what I gave up to be here. I stared at it while Yumi started to also sound a bit panicked from the bathroom.

"I can't get it either. Hold still. What did you do?" Every sentence was louder than the last. What the hell? It's just a little bit of makeup.

Yumi came out of the bathroom and grabbed the makeup palette, then returned. "Chuyo, what did you do?" Yumi yelled this time. "You can't... You can't..." A groan and Yumi reappeared as an audible sob came from the bathroom.

What the hell was going on in there? "Yumi?"

She held onto the palette, an odd look on her face. She mumbled something around the lines of 'they are going to kill her' and was once again out the door.

I stared at it a while. Then, after a minute of confusion, I began to laugh. Yes, this was definitely my favorite part of getting ready.

Roughly five minutes later, the door slammed open. "Chuyo, you idiot, what have you done?" Kankuro scanned the room from the doorway, wearing his full ninja ensemble.

His eyes landed on me and I pointed at the bathroom. He followed the invisible line and headed in. Another groan. "Of all the idiotic, stupid..." He trailed off. "Here, let me try."

Yumi came into the room and gave a wide, fake toothy smile. She came up to me and sat next to me on the bed. "If anybody can fix this, it's him."

I scoffed and looked back to the bathroom. "Yeah, he seems to have a bit of experience with makeup."

"More then I do." Yumi had a dark tone to her voice with the words and I turned back to her.

"I thought most of the girls in Suna seemed to have some weird knowledge of makeup and shit."

She shrugged. "Everything I know is from the books in the library here and the few I got my hands on at home." She flashed me a small smile. "But hey, I get to learn now, right?"

I studied her a moment. "You want to learn?"

A small blush crept on her cheeks. "If Shinki is anything like Lord Kazekage, which he seems to be, then yes." Her hands gripped the sides of the bed and the blush deepened.

"You really do like him, don't you?"

She swallowed, then gave a single nod. "The longer I stay here, the more I want to be part of this life. It's a bit weird, but..." She trailed off and looked to the door. "The Kazekage, he isn't the person I grew up believing he was."

I took a breath as sobs erupted again from the bathroom. I was about to ask what she believed he was when Kankuro emerged angry enough to almost see the steam rising from his head. He pointed at Yumi. "You." He pointed at the door. "Kitchen."

She flashed me a look and headed to the door. She paused to look behind her at Kankuro.

"Call the council." He crossed his arms and he gave her a stern look. "Now."

She gave a soft squeak and was out the door.

He let out a breath. "Who confuses ink with face paint?"

Ink? I stared at him. "What are you talking about?"

Kankuro looked at me then, really looked at me. To the point, it felt uncomfortable. His hand raised up near his shoulders and soon his fingers splayed. An odd look passed on his features and something tugged on my body. I rose to my feet and my breath caught in my throat.

"Hey, what the hell?"

He ignored me, flexing out his fingers and my arms followed the movement by moving out from my sides. Then, he flipped his hand and I gave a small twirl, my body moving without my own permission.

"Seriously, what the hell do you think you're doing?" I gave a small squeak as my body moved again without me wanting it to.

"Lord Kankuro?" Chuyo's voice sounded and I looked over to the doorway.

I no longer gave a damn what Kankuro was doing. Holy hell. Black and gray smudges were everywhere on her face to the point I could barely see her skin. "What the damned hell happened to you?"

Chuyo brought her hands up to her face and started to cry again, disappearing back into the bathroom.

I looked back to Kankuro, about to ask when I noticed he was only about a foot away from me. I half jumped, my body held in place by an invisible force. "What..." I trailed off, unsure if I wanted to know more of what happened to Chuyo or more of what he was up to.

He grabbed my face, turning it. He sighed. "Great, now I got to fix you." He closed his eyes and took a breath. "Gaara's just going to have to wait for this." He stood back and I went back to sitting on the bed. "Hold on, I'll be back in a minute, I need to grab the makeup out of Shinki's room. It's closer than mine." He let out a breath and left the room, this time leaving the door open.

Chuyo cried in the bathroom, Yumi was out, Kankuro left the room and... I was alone again. The clothes they pried me into this time were tight, too tight. My heart leaped to my throat as I remembered what I was wearing. Ninja garb. Similar to what I saw Temari in when she wore something more formal than usual. The dress was long, but split at the leg, had a belt and...

Out of instinct, my hand went to my chest. I didn't want to think. I didn't want to go wherever we were going. I wanted to see Gaara, my baby. I wanted. I didn't.

I froze before I finished what I was about to do. Clone. I couldn't. I wanted someone to break the silence, but I was no longer an option to do this. Not yet. I had to try, just not yet. Not when I would get caught within minutes of doing it.

Maybe the clone could go on this date instead, so I would only have a memory, instead of having to live through it. I swallowed. I could.

Maybe I should.

"What exactly in the hell are you doing?" Kankuro's voice sounded from next to me and I flinched.

When had he returned? I lowered my hand and attempted a wide smile.

"You know that shit doesn't work on me, and do you think Gaara would..." He trailed off. "You know, never mind, I do not want to have this conversation today. I have had to deal with the guy all day. I don't even want to contemplate the mood he would be in if it comes time to leave and you're out due to you being a damned idiot."

Did something else happen? "Is he ok?"

Kankuro closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and then let it out slowly. "It's Gaara." He sat down on the bed next to me, raising up another palette of makeup.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

He grabbed my chin. "Hold still and shut up." His hands were rough on my face, but the cool brush sent a shiver through me as it passed over my face. "Close your eyes, idiot."

"Hey." I protested, but the grip on my chin tightened, and did as he said. The cool feeling brushed onto my eyes, around them, then it went to my lips. I breathed in through my nose until the sensation moved from them.

He let go of me. "There, it should work. Just don't go touching it or anything or else it'll smudge to hell and you'll look like that kid over there." He pointed his thumb toward the bathroom and a new wave of sobbing erupted from there.

I gave him a look and he shrugged.

"What? It's true. Not my fault she couldn't tell the difference between mud ink and makeup. Just be happy she only did your one eye in it, though it will still look a little funny a while."

"Mud ink?"

He ignored my question and packed up the makeup.

"Hey, you gonna answer me?"

He looked back to me, his face expressionless. He kept quiet as he looked me over. Enough he began to creep me out. I shifted and he looked to the door. He cleared his throat. "The makeup, once completely dry should start to fade in a few weeks." There was an odd tone to his voice. One I couldn't place.

"You alright? Something going on?"

He pushed himself off the bed, looked to the bathroom, then back at me. "Let's just say I hadn't realized how..." He trailed off and crossed his arms. He shifted his weight between his feet and took a breath. "You are a beautiful girl. I hadn't noticed until today by how much." His lips twisted upward.

My cheeks grew hot and I was tempted to touch them to cover up the evidence of the blush I knew I had to have. My hand hovered over my knees. I didn't want to mess up the work he did. What was he saying? Beautiful? I swallowed. What did I look like exactly? I took a breath. I usually just had a small hand mirror to see myself in, and I hadn't made a clone since I went to find Gaara. "Hey, you mind showing me?"

He frowned, then shrugged. "Hell, whatever. I don't think it would hurt anything, would it?" He raised his hands up. "Mirrors in the corner, it's better if your standing for it, so be ready."

Pressure formed on my arms, legs, and middle. "Since when did you ever prepare me for this shit?"

His hands twitched upward and I was on my feet, well, sort of. I barely felt the floor beneath my feet and soon I was walking, without will toward the full-length mirror in the corner of the room. The last time I stood in front of this was the day Kimi was born. I took a breath. I hadn't had any lingering pain beyond my back and legs since I woke up. Whatever I looked like here, is how I would be for the rest of my life.

Was I ready?

Did I have a choice? I had the memory of checking myself out the one time, but I hadn't done it in my own body yet. I closed my eyes as my legs continued their motion. Then, the motion stopped.

"Thought you wanted to see what the hell you looked like." Kankuro sounded bored.

I opened my eyes. "I..." I trailed off. I was wearing a similar makeup I saw Temari wearing often, in a ninja dress similar to her own, but more formal looking. I studied my features. Yes. Tiny, feminine. Not me, yet me. I attempted to move my arm but felt the invisible hold on it tighten.

"Hold still, it's easier to work you if you don't move."

I took a deep breath. So much for fully checking myself out. I continued to stare at myself in the mirror. He was right. I was beautiful. Looking at myself looking like this felt weird, yet... "You think I'll ever get used to seeing my own reflection?"

He came to stand behind me and I felt cold. "Eventually."

I stared at him. Of the gods. Oh hell. How? "Why?"

He frowned. "Why what?"

Kankuro was only a couple inches taller than me last I knew. Last I measured. I knew I lost height, but damn. "Either you've turned into a damned fucking giant or I am pretty much the same size as Shinki."

His mouth moved a few times without words. He groaned and a mere second before I felt it, I saw his hands sweep to his side.

My breath caught in my throat as my body lunged back in the direction of the bed. I slowed and my body lowered to the bed.

He came up to the bed and kneeled down. "Shorter."

"What?"

"Shorter than Shinki by a few inches." He sighed. "And be careful what the hell you say. Didn't know the height thing was going to be... Well, a thing."

I eyed the bathroom. "Sorry, it's just hard to judge my height when all I do is sit down all the time." I looked down to my hands and flexed my right hand. The constant reminder of my past life.

How was Sasuke holding up? Did he have any idea what really happened to me? Did he mourn my death, or was he pissed at me for abandoning everything? I clenched my fist. Why the hell was I thinking of him right now?

It had to be the outfit. These were questions for another time. "So are we going somewhere important for the Suna ninjas today?" Oh yeah, that was a great way to stop thinking about my past.

"Can't say." He stood up. "I need to check in on Yumi, then help Gaara finish buttoning up that damned outfit of his." He headed toward the door.

"Hey, wait."

He paused and looked over his shoulder.

"What is up with that thing anyway?"

He smiled and motioned over his mouth. "Can't say." He held up his hand then was out of the room, closing the door behind him.

"Of course not." Nobody said anything around me that mattered around here. Ever. I brought my attention back to the bathroom.

"Hey Chuyo." I called out her name.

A moment of silence, then a hand crept around the corner holding onto the frame of the door. I could see the side of her hair, but she did not come further into view.

"Can you do something for me? I've never been measured, I was just wondering how tall I am? Never realized it before, but, I seem pretty short." I laughed and scratched at my hair. I ran my fingers down the length of it. My hair was getting longer. How much longer before I could dye it so I could stop wearing the wig? The thought made something in my stomach twist and I flopped my hand back into my lap. I was going to get used to this.

"Yes, Lady Kisarei, when you come back I can measure you."

"Thanks." I was going to get used to this. I was going to get used to this. I was going to get used to this. I closed my eyes, focusing on keeping a smile on my face. Keep smiling. As long as I kept smiling, everything would be fine.

Everything would be fine. I clasped my hands together and left them in my lap. Why was it so hard not to think? I didn't want to think anymore. I didn't want to remember anymore. I just... I just wanted...

Something tickled and my arms, then I wrapped around my body and lifted me from the bed. I opened my eyes to see Gaara in the doorway, Yumi next to him. His face held the usual blank expression, his arms crossed. "If you insist on smiling, then actually smile." He turned and my body lurched forward.

"Where are we going?"

He headed out of the door without a word then headed down the stairs. My body lurched forward, held in place by the sand chair I was becoming accustomed to. I sighed and Yumi followed behind me. A few flights of stairs and we entered the kitchen, where Kankuro was sitting at the table. My sand chair moved over a table chair, then the sand fell from my body and crawled across the floor, then up Gaara's pant legs.

Still, fucking weird. If I hadn't touched his skin myself, I still would think the guy was made of the damned stuff. I cleared my throat, the thought of touching him creating a strong sense of butterflies in my stomach.

"Kitchen." Gaara half-whispered the word and sat down across from me, his head facing the wall once seated.

"What?"

A muscle in his jaw jumped. "You asked where we were going."

"You..." I trailed off. There were times I didn't know how to respond to him. His response was simply Gaara. His eyes shifted my way then moved to the table as he folded his arms once again and shifted in his chair. Nervous? I took a breath and smiled. Really smiled.

Everything would be fine. This time, I was certain in my thought.


	7. Killing Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, sorry for the long wait for this chapter. I have had quite the month or so, my dad had to go through two eye surgeries, covid broke out in my place of work leaving us quite understaffed and I just finally fixed a toothache via a root canal. Anyway, I am hoping to pick back up on my usual writing schedule so the next chapter will be out much sooner. I hope you enjoy this one!
> 
> As always comments/reviews help serve to inspire :D

**Gaara**

I left the tower in such a hurry the previous day I'd forgotten to bring home some of my backlogs to work on. Of course, I planned to go back at the time. I think I had. Maybe I had?

Perhaps I had no intentions of returning at the time, in all honesty, I couldn't remember. I let out a breath and ate another bite of ice cream. I was on my last container of this, I should stop eating it. I ate another bite. I disliked apples themselves, but the spice blend they used, and the lack of sweetener made the flavor...

Simply exquisite. Why had I not tried different flavors of ice cream before I attempted to appease my wife with cold bribery? Perhaps it was the notorious rumor of it being sweet. This, however, was not so sweet. I went for another bite. I needed to contact the owner again and inquire about other unsweetened flavors.

For Kisarei, of course.

My spoon clacked at the bottom of the bowl as I removed the remnants of what I dished up for myself. I savored the last bite, allowing it to sit on my tongue until it went numb and my head hurt. I gave a light groan and waited for the pain to ebb away. The feeling was curious and only lasted a moment. I wondered if this were a common problem with the substance or if it were some sort of issue only I had with it. I should ask Kankuro.

Tomorrow. I frowned and stared at my spoon. Why did people have to sleep so often anyway? Even my Kimi slept at this time of night. I read babies woke often in the night.

The book lied. She slept for at least five hours every night, and now I had nothing to do but wait for either her or my sibling to wake. I tossed the bowl toward the counter, catching it before it hit the floor with sand. I moved it to the sink after scrubbing away any remnants with sand, then paused. Maybe I could have another bowl of ice cream. I eyed the freezer, there was at least one more bowl left in the container.

It was my last container though, and I couldn't order any until after my outing with Kisarei this afternoon and the order wouldn't arrive until at least tomorrow morning.

I should wait. Maybe just another bowl.

I clenched my teeth and pushed myself away from the table. If I stayed seated here, I would give in to the desire to finish off my precious container of ice cream. It was mine. I would miss it if I couldn't have a bowl tomorrow night. I headed upstairs. I needed something to do. What did I have to do?

I had no idea. Because I left all my work in the Kazekage tower. I could go get it, but the tower was locked and I didn't feel like dealing with the guards again tonight, especially after ditching a preplanned outing with my wife. I stilled in front of Kankuro's room. I turned and stared at it. How long had I walked? I didn't remember climbing up here. I rubbed my eyes. I needed to focus better. I hovered my hand over the door. I could. I could go in. My fingers twitched near the handle. The fact I left Kimi to sleep in there would be a good enough excuse if he woke and caught me staring at him. I wouldn't rearrange anything.

Probably.

"Lord Kazekage?"

I froze at the sound, the one sound I did not want to hear right now. I straightened my back, lowering my hand to pretend I wasn't about to break into my brother's room to watch him sleep. I didn't bother looking at the person behind me. "Yumi." I had no desire to speak with her.

I wanted to speak to her. I needed to know how she was connected to my vermin. I promised Kankuro I would wait until after the outing. I clenched my hand into a fist.

She cleared her throat. "Sorry, I didn't realize I would bump into you."

I looked over at her. What? I didn't want to speak with her, but I had to know why she said what she did. "You did not bump into me." I tilted my head at her.

"I..." She trailed off. "What?"

A tightness formed between my brows. I took a breath. "You mentioned you bumped into me, yet you did not. I think I would have felt it if you had done so."

She stared at me. Why was she staring at me?

I crossed my arms, focusing on keeping my face blank, and turned to her fully.

"I... It's just an expression."

Expression? Shinki taught me a few, but I didn't like not understanding what people were saying. "I do not recall anyone saying this before." I looked away from her. "Is it common?" My throat felt dry with the last comment. I hated it, even more, when I accidentally revealed I wasn't always aware of what other people were talking about.

"Yes."

I took a breath through my nose. Of course, it was. "Why are you awake?"

"I fell asleep in the library again."

I hummed. "You should sleep."

She didn't respond to me, and I waited for her to leave.

She didn't leave. Why didn't she leave? I wasn't ready to talk with the girl yet. I hadn't come up with a list of things to say, I had no possible outcomes, no way to predict what she would do. I looked at her again.

She reached up and pressed a finger to the spot between my brows. "I've watched both Lord Kankuro and Shinki do this. Is there something wrong?"

A knot twisted in my stomach. Don't touch. I grabbed her hand, harder than I meant to by the whimper which followed the movement. I released her. Don't touch. I bit the inside of my cheek as the feeling of her touch lingered on my forehead. Sand moved across my face in an attempt to scrub away the sensation.

She let out a squeak and fell backward to the floor. I didn't bother to catch her. She brought it upon herself by touching me. I wasn't in the mood to be nice to her anyway.

I clenched my fist. I had to say something, do something. There was something off about her, and while I promised I would not confront her on the matter. I couldn't simply ignore it when the cause of one of my current irritations lay splayed out on the floor in front of me. I straightened my back and closed my eyes. I needed to finish calming down. I took a breath. I needed her to understand. Understand who she spoke to. Understand it was pointless to lie to me. "Do not touch me. Do not question me. I have no intentions of harming you, nor do I have any intentions on harming anyone related to you lest they do something requiring retaliation."

Here I crossed my arms. I knew intimidation. I knew speeches. I knew fear. I could make my point known. "I am aware you are lying to me, Yumi. Such actions, I do not tolerate them." With this, before she could respond, I let go of my pose. I brought my arms into the air and pulled the sand from the walls. I wrapped her in it. I let her feel it a moment as the sand tucked in around her body. I tried not to see the similarity between her and Nobuo and swallowed down the acid rising in my throat from seeing his resemblance encased in my sand. "I still do not forgive you for telling my wife of my daughter's name."

I pushed her down the stairs, two flights of stairs to the kitchen, and dropped her there. I let the sand fall to the floor and I could feel her move through it. I could feel as her foot slipped on it, I could feel as she headed down the next flight of stairs.

I dropped my arms to my sides. I leaned back, and let the wall bring me down to the floor. I let out a breath. Who was she, really? Who was she to Nobuo?

I could look. I could look for the name now I knew it, place him if he were reported to the council as a missing person. I brought my knees up and rested my arms on them. Could I handle it? I hadn't looked through the file in years, not in this lifetime.

I took a breath. Yes, I needed to get out the file. I had to look through it. I had to see, again. Who filed his report? Was Nobuo even in the list I was given? I closed my eyes and formed a body from sand. It moved its arm toward me, hand outstretched. I grasped onto it and it pulled me up from the floor.

The library. Yumi slept mere feet away from the most incriminating piece of evidence against my childhood and had no idea. Once I was to my feet, I forced myself forward. One step after another, stair after stair until I was outside of one of my most prized possessions.

It had nothing on the library Naruto had built, but it still was sufficient enough to contain most of the history of Suna.

Including me.

I opened the door and stepped inside. This was nothing spectacular, but rows upon rows of bookshelves filled the room. Every shelf filled with tomes and stories from the area, histories, and maps in every corner. Then...

I went to the far corner, just past the bathroom. A lump formed in my throat. I could do this. It was nothing more than a file. A file the size of a book.

A large one. I took a breath and removed the books covering my hiding spot. I never had the heart to destroy it before so I hid it away, where even I would have to go out of my way to see it again. I pressed my hand against the wall behind where the books had been. I stilled.

Did I want to do this? Why? I bit my cheek until I could taste the metallic heat of my own blood. Then, I pushed the sand holding the stone in place which covered the tome.

I caught the stone and placed it on the shelf, then I looked inside. There, just beyond the hole in the wall was a box.

Inside the box...

I grabbed hold of it before I lost my nerve then took out the hand-bound book inside of it. I brushed my fingers across the stitches I placed myself, the leather I had Kankuro form into a cover, and the pages which held the darkest part of my life. There was no title, no images, just simple bound leather.

Something simple for something which was not. I sat down at the chair near the window and crossed my legs. I placed the book on my knee and fiddled with the edge of the cover. I was bored, yes, but this wasn't something I would usually do. Yet...

I was nearing the day I would have to come clean to Naruto. To my Kisarei. She deserved to know, to know everything. She deserved to know the extent I went to as a child, before her, before my salvation. I took a breath and opened the cover. Pictures and small descriptions etched on every page. No explanation, just... There. I passed my hand over the image of a girl. She was the first report I received when I asked for them.

Tadame, District 5e west, age 19. Last seen wearing a white long coat and standard mid-thigh Suna dress. Please contact your local liaison if found.

Brown hair, brown eyes, and a smile. I knew nothing else of her beyond the report being filed when I was six years old. I sorted these into years and nothing more. I did not remember her. I remembered nobody in this book.

Yet, I was certain most of the disappearances were because I had killed them. I moved down to the tab indicating the year I had brought Nobuo back to my house and opened it. Here is where there was a slight change. Still, there were pictures and descriptions, some just pictures, some with more about the person than others. Yet... I flipped through the pages, paying attention to the circled faces. Brown hair, brown eyes, all boys. I had tried figuring out who he was, but it was useless. No matter how many pictures I went through, I could never say one way or the other it was him. I reconciled the possibility he never was reported missing.

Then, there was Yumi. Yumi who gave me a name, Yumi who claimed to be his niece yet was not. I flipped through the pages hunting for the name I now knew belonged to the vermin I searched for, for so many years. Page after page, picture after picture yet nothing. I went to the next year. Then the next.

Nothing. I created this book for nothing. I flipped to the back of the book, which in all honesty I should have done, to begin with. I went through the names and went to the section for 'N'. "Nobuo." I whispered it to the book, as though saying the name aloud would somehow conjure him into it.

Nobuo. There. Two of them. One was when I was seven, the other... Impossible. Nobody would wait so long to file a missing person's report, would they?

Would they? I flipped to the page indicated. This report was from when I was eleven. I never looked so far ahead. Why would it be so far ahead? There, in the left column was a picture. Nobuo of Garden A, district 1a, district 5e west, age 11. What? I read the description of the location again. Garden A? I swallowed. Impossible. He was from my district, 5e west, yet... How? The picture was of him though, definitely him. Garden A. I closed the book, knowing now I overlooked him all these years due to some reporting glitch or late report. Nobuo was already in his current predicament by the time this report was filed, I never bothered to go through them.

It was merely illogical to me to look so far ahead. Perhaps it was why it was placed there, but why would it have been? Did they know this was who I was looking for all this time? Impossible.

Wasn't it? I put the book back into the box, went to place it back where it came from, and stopped. I moved it to the table next to where I was sitting. This could be handy. If I exposed my secret to the girl, perhaps she would divulge her own. The idea felt logical. I would need to write down the possible outcomes if I were to follow this idea through, however.

First, I had to find a book. I went to my index and rifled through the cards there. Garden, garden, I needed gardens. In the third row, I found it. Districts by garden. Row 5, fourth shelf, 3 down, 7th book. I closed my index and went to the book. Then froze. Missing. Why was it missing?

The sand shifted on my body when I realized what may have happened to it. I growled at myself. Of course. Why wouldn't she? I grabbed a sheet of paper, sat back down, and pulled a pen from the drawer beside it. I started to write.

-Confront Yumi about her lies.

Possibility 1 - start by asking where my book went.

Reaction: She borrowed it and has it.

Reaction 2: She burned it as kindling because it has something in it pertaining to her and Nobuo

Reaction 3: She lies about taking it

Reaction 4: She has no idea what I am talking about

I frowned. I added one more thing in,

Reaction 5: She gets offended and will not continue a conversation and I will not be able to coax out the truth of her relation to Nobuo.

I tapped the book. How to start then?

How to get the book I wanted? She slept in the first-floor basement. I could... I could wait, then try to retrieve it when she went to sleep. I stilled. Yes, I could do this. It would be easy enough, wouldn't it?

I would go as soon as I went through at least one more possibility. I continued.

Possibility 2 - Bring her to the library and show her the book

Reaction: ...

I tapped my pen on the paper. What could happen? I stood, paced around the bookshelves a few times, and sat back down. I returned to my list.

Reaction: She freaks out and refuses to say anything

Reaction 2: She freaks out and confesses everything

Reaction 3: She listens and tells me why she lied in the first place

I stared at the last reaction. It was possible. This way it was possible. I took a breath. It wasn't the most possible reaction, I don't believe, but it was a possibility and for now, I would have to go with this. Tonight, once everyone else went to sleep, I would confront her here, in the library, and see how she reacted.

With luck, it would be the latter of the options. There were more possibilities, but at the moment, I was too drained to try and figure them out. I would deal with it if it came to that when it came to that. I folded the paper and placed it into the drawer for easy access next to the pens, in case I changed my mind by tonight and wanted to put different scenarios and reactions into the list. It was a simple list, not a well laid out one, but it made me feel better just to jot something down about it.

Now... For the book. I exited the library, closed the door behind me, and started my trek down the stairs.

I stared at the door. How long had I been standing here? Why wasn't the girl asleep yet? Why couldn't I just knock and get it over with? I could hear her moving inside the room, pacing.

The door opened and I was face to face with her. She had a look I couldn't quite place. Was it confusion, fear, or curiosity? I was not sure.

"Why are you here?"

I stared at her a moment. "Do you have my book on the garden districts?"

"It is four in the morning."

I crossed my arms. "Yes." So that is what time it had gotten to be.

"Don't you sleep?"

"No," I tilted my head at her, "do you?"

She sighed. "Not tonight." She pointed behind her with her thumb. "Yeah, I have it." She turned, went back into the room, and shut the door.

I waited for a few minutes before the door opened again. She shoved a small book at me. "Here."

I took the book from her and flipped it open. Yes, this was what I was looking for. "I... Thank you." I lifted the book so she knew what I was thanking her for. I did not look up from it.

"Why are you looking for it?"

I stiffened. I didn't... I wouldn't... I grabbed the book with my other hand. It was of no concern to her. Why was she asking me? I didn't need to appease her by answering anything at all. I could walk away, pretend I was never here. "It's mine."

Why did I never do anything the easy way?

"Are you hungry?"

I looked up from the book, allowing my confusion to show on my face.

"Are you hungry? I haven't had anything in a while and I need to get something to eat if I stay up."

I stared at her. Why was she speaking so informally to me? Had she lost her fear so quickly? The look of irritation on her face looked too familiar, too similar.

Too Nobuo. I swallowed. "Yes." I choked out the word without meaning to.

"Alright then." She pushed past me and headed up the stairs. "I'll fix up some eggs and radish. I noticed you had some in the fridge, so I'll go with that. I'm not the best cook, but I'm working on it. Not a whole lot else to do around here other than reading and harassing your wife."

I followed her, still holding the book with both hands. Why wasn't I reacting, why couldn't I say anything? Why was she still in my house, walking around free after finding out she was not in fact Nobuo's niece? What was wrong with me? I watched as she went up the next flight of stairs toward the kitchen. She looked back and gave a small smile.

Hey, let me go grab a book, I'll be right back, ok? Nobuo's voice echoed inside my mind. This was probably why. It was her connection to Shinki. It was her likeness to Nobuo, her possible connection to him. I just needed to figure out the truth of how they were connected before I decided exactly how to proceed with her. In the meantime, however, I would let her fix me something to eat.

When we got to the kitchen I sat down at the table and watched her work in silence. She didn't say another word while she worked, and I relished the silence. Though, for once, the silence felt awkward. I looked down at my book and flipped it open. Garden A, garden a... I flipped through the pages until I found what I was looking for. There were a group of pictures of trees and a lake with the caption 'Garden A'.

Garden A is the most prestigious of the Suna Gardens. Held deep in the underground, the high council families have called Garden A home since the Fourth Emmerant first ordered it's construction once the underground started to take shape. Starting with the Sixth Emmerant, the Garden offshoots, Gardens C-E has held the Emmerant and his families until the disbandment of the hierarchy.

I flipped to the next page, but there was nothing else about Garden A in this book. I groaned and sat the book down. "For being a book about the garden districts, one would think there would be more information on Garden A."

Yumi stilled and looked over at me. "You wanted to know more about Garden A?"

I covered my mouth. I hadn't realized I said it aloud. I dropped it again. "Yes." What was the harm in saying so?

She hummed and went back to what she was doing. Soon, I could smell what she was cooking. I pushed the book to the side and folded my hands on the table. How could eggs and radish smell so delicious?

She plated up the meal and carried both plates over. "Hope you like it."

She handed me a fork, and I began to eat. The eggs were scrambled, creamy, the slight tangy spice of the radish giving it a full compliment. "This combination works well."

She took a bite herself and hummed. "Does, doesn't it?" She took a breath. "My family originally came from the garden a. It's pretty unremarkable, just a bunch of geezers from the elder's council and their families live there. My Gran's brother is a member of the Elder council. She chose to marry into a ninja family, then well..." She trailed off and shrugged. "Imagine what my family's reaction would be if they found out I just fixed breakfast for the Kazekage."

I stilled at the last sentence and looked down at the eggs. She was part of the rebellion, losing her family to protect my son, if it were truly her reasoning, had to be hard on her.

"What? Not like I poisoned them or anything."

I looked up at her. "I had not thought of it until now." I stared at the eggs. They were delicious, and after a bite, I wanted more.

What if she poisoned them? Was this her true intention all along? Why such a long deception? If she wanted to poison me or harm my family, wouldn't she have done it by now? It was this simple concept which held my hand on interrogating her the moment I returned from my visit to Nobuo.

A fork went to my plate and she stole some of my eggs and put them in her mouth. "Would I eat it if it were poisoned?"

I forced my face to blank. "If it were your long-term goal and either did not care on your own death or had built up an immunity to said poison I would say yes."

She stared at me in silence for a few minutes, neither of us touching our food. "You way overthink things."

I pushed my plate of food away from me, no longer wanting to eat any of it. "There are many people in Suna who would prefer I not exist." I leaned back and crossed my arms. I watched the plate instead of looking at her. "They have tried assassinating me since before I was six." I sat in silence a moment and broke my own commitment to not looking at her. Looking at her was like looking at the female version of my vermin, their resemblance was so strong.

It made it hard to look at her.

She poked at the eggs on her plate and when her eyes darted up towards me she put down her fork then wrapped her arms around her torso. She looked off to the side and her shoulders rose with a deep breath. "Did they ever even try to treat you like a human being?"

I stood from the table. This wasn't a conversation I wanted to have. I walked to the fridge, then back to the table. She looked too much like him. I wasn't going to divulge how terrible my childhood was. Not now, not with her. Never with her. "You look like him." I bit my cheek irritated with my own traitorous mouth and turned from her. I should leave, leave before I said anything I regretted.

"Wait, you remember, I know you do." I heard the chair squeak on the floor as it slid back. "How did he die, when did he disappear, when-" The rest of her voice muffled and it took a moment for me to realize I silenced her with my own hand instead of the usual sand gag I used on those I had no desire to listen to. I hadn't meant to do it. I didn't even remember moving.

I remained still, the look on her face not one of fear, but confusion? Worry? I removed my hand and looked down at it. I closed my fingers. "Get some rest. I desire your presence tonight." I looked up at her. "I never sleep." I decided to add it in, a continuation of the question she asked of me earlier.

"I..." She trailed off and I headed toward the stairs, not wanting to stay in the girl's presence any longer than I already had. I needed to think. I needed to prepare.

I needed to start getting dressed. I let out a breath. The outfit was far too delicate to be cleaned with sand beyond the stones themselves, so I had to resort to regular cleaning of them.

I had to resort to Kankuro cleaning them for me. I had no idea the special formulation of cleaner to water and I once dissolved a pair of shoes. I would never forgive myself if I accidentally dissolved the special outfit for my outings with Kisarei and I needed to wear it until the outings were finished.

Or else my future children may never be allowed into the elders' society. The stairs creaked beneath my feet as I ascended, the grain of the wood catching the sand coating my hands. A weight formed deep within my chest and my legs were numb as they moved me forward.

The significance of this was not lost on me. The very fact they would break their own laws for my descendants held more weight than even my brother knew. I also knew I needed to have future children to take advantage of this fact.

There was also the fact Naruto needed medical attention. I had a few doctors look at her, none of them knew how to make her walk again. I walked to the spare room I kept my outfit in and stilled.

Everything in my life was again on hold. I couldn't marry my wife until my son returned. I couldn't fix my wife until Sakura returned with him. Her healing abilities were higher than anyone in my area with the light exception of Kimiko.

Kimiko who still refused to see her due to her retirement and insisted everything would be fine. _Fine_. I wanted to believe her. I should believe her.

I just wanted... I needed to...

I went to the bed and picked up a piece of my cleaned outfit. I looked up at the clock, almost five. I would have my outing today around noon. I only had seven hours to put this on and watch as Kisarei's past was pushed directly in her face. I sat the piece of fabric back down and began to undress. There was something oddly satisfying about the motion. Motion to help stop the mind. Motion to avoid the things I needed to do.

I wanted it. I didn't want to think. I wanted to forget, even for a mere moment, what was going on today. I didn't want to see her reaction. I didn't want her to experience what I know she would. This outing did not feel like one I needed to do, but they chose it for me. They chose to put her to trial because they despised me. Despised her.

I stood in front of the garment laid out before me covered only in sand. I held up a piece of fabric. Then, I stared at it. Where did this go? Small jewel buttons lined every side of it. I picked up another. Were these not in order? I started to line them out on the bed to no avail. I had no idea. How was I supposed to get dressed when I couldn't remember how to wear my own clothes? I took a breath. I had not meant to wake up my brother at this time of day, but I desired to be dressed, and I was not going to wait for him. I walked up to the door, pulling sand from the walls and floor to cover the parts I desired him not to see, and headed to his room.

I opened his door, neared his bed, and lifted it on its side, rolling him onto the floor.

A stream of expletives erupted to the pile of flesh before me following something which resembled a cross between a groan and a yelp. He rubbed his eyes. "What the hell time is it?" He looked up at me and all traces of irritation vanished from his person.

"It is five."

"Five..." He trailed off. "Why are you... I mean.. I..." He rubbed his eyes again. "Do I even want to know why you aren't wearing anything?"

I looked down. Had I not covered something? Everywhere was covered in sand, there was no skin nor parts visible beyond my sand shell. "There is sand covering me." I tilted my head at him, curious about what he was upset about.

"You, you are-" Kankuro ran his hands through his hair and rubbed his face. "You know, it doesn't matter." He shifted so he sat cross-legged. "The better question is why you tossed me out of bed."

"I don't know how to dress."

He stared at me. "Since when?" The confusion must have shown and he sighed, holding up a hand. "Also, never mind. I should expect this kind of shit from you by now." He twisted, then was on his feet. He pressed a finger to my forehead, smoothing out the wrinkle between my brows. "Calm down, I'm up."

I closed my eyes and took a breath. "I do not know how to put my clothes on."

"Yeah, you already said that." His hand pulled away from my face, shifted and he flicked the exact spot with his finger. "Changing the words slightly doesn't change the meaning."

I brought my hand up to where his finger hit my forehead. No pain ebbed from where he hit, but the ghost of sensation from the touch remained. I went to turn from him and he threw a blanket at me.

"Will you cover yourself up? For a guy who can't stand anyone looking at him while he's naked, you sure don't leave much for the imagination."

I looked down again before putting the towel around my body. "I covered everything."

"You..." He trailed off, an odd look passing his features. "Right." He cleared his throat. "Well, how about we get you dressed then?" He grabbed my shoulders and turned me around before shoving me out the door. Up one flight of stairs and once again I was in the spare room. Once inside he closed the door, pointed at the chair next to the bed, and tilted his head toward it. "Sit."

I followed the instruction. He picked up a piece of fabric, then another. Then, he picked up another. He held them up together, then picked up another one.

"Something wrong?" I leaned forward, resting my arms on my knees.

"I don't remember how this goes. They usually are partially put together when we get them. There are more pieces than I remember."

I hummed, relishing the odd sense of satisfaction rising with my brother's confusion. I closed my eyes. "We start working on it now."

Kankuro's shoulders dropped. "It's five in the morning."

"Yes." I failed to see what he was trying to say.

He took a deep breath. "Alright, we'll start now." He laid the pieces out on the bed. "Hell, we'll probably need the time anyway, damn."

I went to stand and he held up a hand.

"You, just... Just stay there. You look seriously creepy like that."

I shifted back into the chair. "I'm covered though."

"Yeah..." He went back to his project. "Covered." A visible shiver went through his body and he continued.

"It is now eleven."

"Yeah, yeah, I know."

I shifted in the chair. "I could help if I were standing."

"Hold the hell on, I'm almost done"

I sighed. "How is this taking so long? You have been working at the underclothes for six hours."

His back stiffened and he looked over his shoulder at me. "Only because you wanted to eat in the middle of it and I had to fix something for us to eat. I at least took advantage of the time you were eating to get myself ready."

"Only because I didn't finish what Yumi made me."

With this, he turned to me and neared the chair. "Yumi made something for you to eat and you didn't finish it?" He ran his hand through his hair and took in a breath. "You didn't say anything to her yet about..." He trailed off and he looked back to the garment laid out on the bed. "Why did they undo the underclothes as well? What in the hell is wrong with them?"

I swallowed. "No." I shifted. "I am going to say something tonight when everyone is in bed."

"Hold on, get ready to put on the first layer, I've only a few more buttons to go."

"I got the book out."

He hummed and picked up the last piece of red fabric.

"I found him in it. He wasn't reported missing until three years after I took him. I never looked that far ahead."

"You..." He stilled, gathered the rest of the fabric, and threw it at me. I caught it. His lips set into a thin line and he adjusted his jaw. "Do you like torturing yourself?" He pointed at me. "I never wanted you to see those in the first place. You shouldn't have seen those in the first place. Why in the hell did you need to see those in the first place? Do you know how many reports there were? Then, you fucking organized them into a book. What the hell, I thought you got rid of that thing?"

I gripped the fabric in my hands and focused my attention on it. I didn't want to see him react. I shouldn't have mentioned it. I had to mention it. "8796."

"What?"

"Reports."

I heard steps, then he knelt in front of me. "You counted them?"

I didn't respond. Not until he let out a sigh and shifted to stand. I grabbed onto his sleeve. "Before I packed it away. I had to see if I could find him. He never told me his name, Kankuro." I looked up to him and he was blurry. I blinked a few times to try and ease the beginning sting of my eyes. I looked at the door. "Tonight, I will show her."

He choked and pulled his sleeve from my grasp. "There are days I wonder whose more the idiot. You, or your wife." He groaned. "She'll freak out."

"It is a possibility."

"You..." He took a breath. "Six hours. I left you alone for six hours while I slept." He let out a sigh. "What is the possibility you're hoping for?"

That she will explain herself if I show her I acknowledge my past. I wanted to say it, but I couldn't get my mouth to move. Instead, my throat closed and I stood. I swirled the sand off my skin and moved it through the air around my body to hide my movement from my brother. I removed the excess barriers of my shell until my body was back to its normal thickness and dressed, using sand as an extra set of hands. Once I was once again decent, I pushed the sand into the walls, embedding it for future use. I adjusted my sleeve and looked up at him.

He smirked, his arms crossed. "There are moments I am reminded of how spectacular it is to watch you and remember what you are exactly."

What. I took a breath in through my nose, focusing on keeping my face blank. Yes, I was a what. I sometimes wondered if I was more sand than human. I turned my attention to the remaining fabric on the bed. I found this part easier, at least these pieces were large enough I could manage on my own. I picked up a piece. The fact I was a living creature was proven the day I died. Then, my life was proven again the moment Kimi came into existence. I was more than sand.

I am more than sand.

Any further thought was interrupted by a furious knocking at the door. I looked over my shoulder as it began again, this time accompanied by a voice. "Lord Kankuro? Are you in there?" The girl. Of course, it was. I tried to ignore my irritation at the girl's arrival.

Knock, knock, knock. My brother grumbled and went to answer the door. "What?" He answered before he cracked open the door.

"An issue, upstairs."

This grabbed my attention. "Upstairs?" I cleared my throat after the word, my voice hoarse.

Yumi pushed the door open at this point and held up a makeup palette. "Technical issues." For a brief moment, her eyes met mine.

_What's the point of keeping her alive?_

I turned from them. "Go."

"Gaara, we-"

"Go." I held up a hand to indicate I had no desire to speak. For once, I hoped he understood. I didn't want to see her. I didn't want to see him.

I heard him sigh and soon a click of the door shutting followed. I let out a breath. "Because she didn't die." I repeated the answer I gave him so many years ago. It wasn't an answer, yet it was. The only person I remembered beyond Nobuo, yet...

I couldn't remember her. Not the color of her hair, nor the color of her skin. I could remember the way she screamed, the way she pleaded, the way her blood felt when it touched my body. She didn't matter though, she never mattered.

I grabbed a piece of fabric. I was not going to deal with memory, not today. I pushed sand out from my hand and grabbed hold of the buttons. I should be able to handle the rest of this at this point. I held out my arms, grabbing hold of the rest of the pieces and brought them to my body.

I was not waiting. I felt out for the buttons and worked at connecting all the pieces at once.

A while later, when I was nearly finished, the door opened again and Kankuro waved at me. Then stilled. "What..." He trailed off, an odd expression on his face.

"There is less than an hour."

"Of course." He scanned the room then lurched forward toward the dresser. "Palette." He held it up, pointed to the door, and gave a slight smile. "Um..." Then he left.

I stared at the door. What in the world was going on up there? I buttoned my garment as fast as I could. I wanted to see what was going on. Had something happened? Would it affect my outing with Kisarei? I needed to know. The council would not take another postponement lightly.

A knock sounded at the door. I flicked my wrist and opened it. Yumi stood in the door, her mouth agape as she stared at me.

"What do you need?"

"What are you doing?"

I growled. Why didn't the girl just listen? Yet another thing she had in common with her uncle.

"The council approved me as a replacement for Chuyo today, I thought Lord Kankuro would be back by now."

With another flick of my wrist, I grabbed her and pulled her into the room, closing the door behind her. "Not yet. If you are to be the attendant then be of use and help button this."

Her shoulders stiffened and she bit her lip. She didn't respond or move.

I stilled as well and tilted my head at her. I didn't know how to read her. Was she afraid? Nervous? Her mood towards me seemed to change every time I saw her. "What is it?"

"How do I help? There is sand floating around everywhere."

I blinked and looked around my body at the wisps of sand holding up the garment to my body and working at the buttons. "The outing is soon." Wasn't it obvious what I was doing?

"Well, yes, I mean, where do you want me to help? I..." She trailed off and her eyes began to glisten with unshed tears.

I felt the familiar tightness between my brows. She had a point. I didn't know. I wanted Kankuro to come back, but then I didn't like him near me either. I let out a breath. "Sit." I shifted my eyes to the chair I used earlier, hoping she would follow the invisible line without me having to say much more.

I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to do this.

I had to. I worked harder at the buttons while I watched her move to the chair. She kept her eyes glued to me, unblinking. She folded her hands in her lap, the small gap between her lips returning. What was this look? Dare I ask? I looked away, not wanting to let on to my own internal conflicts. I focused on the buttons, and as the minutes passed I was able to think of nothing but the task at hand. Then, it was done. I went to the dresser to look into the mirror and ensured everything was in place. I took a breath and Yumi cleared her throat.

I looked over my shoulder at her to see if she needed anything. She pointed toward the door and Kankuro. "Kankuro?"

He smiled and shrugged. "Thought you would be knee-deep in buttons by now, but it looks more like you didn't even need me after all. Decided to put on a show for the kid?"

I refused to look back down to Yumi. "No." I walked to the door and pushed past my brother.

"Where are you going?"

"Upstairs." I heard the chair scrape against the floor and a flurry of footsteps as I bounded up the stairs. I wanted to know what was going on. I was dressed. Chuyo should still be in the room. I should be fine going.

"Wait, why are you- Gaara, damn it, hold on!"

I ignored him and opened the door to see my Kisarei with an overly wide faux smile. Something was wrong. I wanted... I should... She didn't notice me. I didn't want to be in here.

She shouldn't smile like this. I wanted to see her smile, but a real one. I pulled more of the sand from the floor and crossed my arms. I didn't know what I wanted anymore. Outside of her. Outside of Kimi. Outside of Shinki. I didn't know. I encased my wife in sand, creating the usual chair I used to cart her around Suna.

Once she noticed the sand hitting her skin, Kisarei looked up with an expression I could only describe as confusion or surprise.

"If you insist on smiling, then actually smile." I turned from her, I didn't know what to say. What I just spoke, was not my intention. I walked past my followers and headed back downstairs, pulling Rei with me.

"Where are we going?"

I didn't know. Where was I going? It was not quite time to leave yet. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want this date. I didn't want to see her reaction, I didn't... I didn't...

I moved forward, attempting to keep my nerves calm. Don't think. Don't feel. Don't express. Keep moving. I made it to the kitchen and realized Kankuro hadn't followed me as I thought. He sat in a chair, his makeup accentuating his frown. Fine. This would be fine. I moved my wife to an empty chair and motioned Yumi to sit. Once Rei was in place I pulled the sand back from the chair and added it to my sand armor. I would need it again in a few minutes, but for now, this would do.

I moved to the chair across from Kisarei. She asked where we were going. This seemed to be the location, so I decided to answer her. "Kitchen." I sat down, unable to look at her.

"What?"

I couldn't face her, instead, I studied the wall. I clenched my jaw. I didn't want to talk. Not now we were almost ready to head to the place I didn't want to go. "You asked where we were going."

"You..." Her voice was a half-whisper as it trailed off.

I didn't want to do this. I looked at her, then down to the table. Why must we do this? I folded my arms, but it didn't relieve the rising acid in my throat, the sinking feeling in my stomach. I breathed in through my nose and chanced another look at her. She was smiling.

Truly smiling. I bit the inside of my cheek and returned to staring at the wall.

In just a few moments, the smile would be gone in favor of the one she wore in the room earlier. I knew Naruto would always deal with painful situations with the largest of smiles when he knew other people were watching. Every once in a while, I was able to catch it falter.

This time, I was certain it would.


	8. Training Grounds

**Kisarei**

Smile.

Keep Smiling.

This didn't matter. It doesn't matter at all. I knew it wasn't his fault. I should have known something was up by the way he avoided looking at me before we came here. To this place. With every toss of kunai, it felt as though they ripped through my body instead of their target. Tears stung my eyes but I was determined not to cry. It's stupid, all of it. It didn't matter, at least it shouldn't.

Swish-thud. A flash of metal zipped below our position on the balcony. Swish-thud. I swallowed and tried to ignore the hot pit in my stomach. I felt sick. I could remember the feel of cool metal in my hands. The way my muscles would tug and cramp as I practiced throwing them and the feel of triumph when I first hit a target. Then, the sense of accomplishment when I finally got the hang of it enough to be more consistent.

Swish-thud. Since when did Suna have comprehensive training grounds? I have never been to this place before, I was never told about it. I never thought this could be a destination. I asked on our way here, but Gaara kept silent and continued to avoid looking in my direction. The building itself wasn't anything spectacular, it looked just like the rest we passed by every day. Then, when we went inside we went directly to this balcony where the sight below me spanned out. Sand and faux trees, targets, and tightropes. I spent most of my childhood in places like this before I started training outside the local grounds.

Swish-thud. I swallowed and clenched my fists. I felt the corner of my lip twitch as I fought to hold my forced smile. I eyed the man standing next to me, his arms crossed as much as possible while holding onto our daughter. His hand flexed behind her tiny head keeping her half-hidden from the crowd. He looked straight out to the training grounds, his jaw set tight enough for the muscle to be visible. This wasn't his choice. I was certain of it. I wanted to lighten the mood. I wanted to break the silence. I wanted to ignore the kids below me. A hand grabbed my shoulder and I stiffened. I looked behind me to Yumi who gave a half-smile. I flashed her all my teeth in response.

Swish-thud. I looked back down at the kids. The knot in my stomach twisted further. I couldn't take it anymore. "I don't remember this place." My voice sounded off and I cleared my throat. Maybe everything wouldn't be alright. Trying to come to term with everything in my mind, it felt different from this. A cold shiver ran down my spine watching these kids train while pretending I never had anything to do with this part of the world. I widened my smile. Everything is fine. I'm great.

I eyed the people standing around, pointing my way. Look at me, I'm great. See, nothing wrong. Nothing to see. I wanted them to go away and let me react, but I couldn't. Instead, I had to put up a facade, I had to try and be the perfect Lady, I had to be... I gave a nervous laugh and looked over toward Gaara. He stood next to me, the blue gems of his clothes glittering in the filtered sunlight. He hadn't answered my question. In fact, he hadn't so much as budged a single muscle since we arrived. "So, where are we?"

"Training grounds." It was Kankuro who answered me.

"Kinda gathered that. Tsch." I rolled my eyes then remembered the people watching us. I folded my hands in my lap. Was it ladylike to do this? I had no idea. What did a Lady of Suna do anyway? Why in the hell do I even care what they think of me anyway? Damn it, I'm too much of a guy for this. To hell with it. I folded my arms only to have an instant reminder of the existence of my breasts and I dropped my hands back down.

I clasped my hands together tight. What was I just thinking? Keep up the facade, don't let my inner guy out. I swallowed. I did this to myself. I could do this. Smile wide Naruto, you have to pull this off. At this point, I was pretty sure I was smiling wide enough everyone could tell what exactly my dental hygiene was for every single one of my teeth.

A sigh came from behind me and Yumi whispered in my ear, "I think you're overdoing it."

I tried to calm down the smile, but my mouth refused to follow any mental directions from me. It felt as if I stopped, I would be sick, and wouldn't that just be the perfect scene? _Hey, look the future wife of the Kazekage throwing up all over the aspiring ninja._ "I can't help it." I spoke through my teeth. I had a feeling if I stopped, I would cry. For some reason, I couldn't help thinking crying was worse than smiling in front of Suna, no matter how obviously fake the smile was.

She squeezed the hand she left on my shoulder. I took a breath.

"These grounds are for aspiring ninja who are from Suna proper." Gaara's voice was so low I barely heard him. I was glad he spoke, and I focused on it in hopes it would make me feel better.

Another breath. I had to make the best of this. Swish-thud. Another kunai released by a young boy hit the target. The practice was slowing down as one by one they started to take notice of who was watching from above on the observation decks. A few kids started to point up at us, their excitement growing. One yelled out something about doing better for the Kazekage. "Don't come here often, do you?"

I looked up to him when only silence greeted me. He remained in the exact position he was in the last time I looked. He retained his unreadable expression, the trained look of blank. I sighed and looked back out to the kids.

"He's the one who built this place."

I looked over to Kankuro. "He did?"

He smiled at me. "Yup. A few years after the war, he saw how effective a group training facility would be and created this one. Also, being as damn weird as he is, put it in a place most ninjas aren't allowed to go, so..." He trailed off, ending his statement in a shrug.

I looked back up to Gaara, who either hadn't noticed we were talking about him right in front of his face, or just chose not to react to it. Knowing him, it could go either way.

Swish-thud. I returned my attention back out to the kids throwing kunai. There were other kids working on other skills, but I remembered too well learning to throw kunai. It was the one thing I thought I could nail before I learned how to make clones. Once I had clones though... I clenched my fist and brought it to my chest as an irritating ache formed at the thought.

I would be able to do it again, wouldn't I? Of all the things to lose, my ability to make clones was something I never considered a possibility. Well, I still could, sort of, but not without side effects. Like keeping conscious and living and shit.

I decided to watch the youngest team as they worked at targets. I leaned in, making Yumi lose grip of my shoulder, and listened to what they were doing.

"Hey, watch this!" One of the boys grabbed multiple kunai and tossed them at the target. Only one hit. He threw another one in reaction, landing a few feet short of the target. The other three kids he was practicing with started laughing. "Hey, it was a fluke, alright?"

"Oh, yeah. Not like you hit the target every day, so I think it's more like a fluke you hit it."

"Moron."

"I can't believe you think you'll be a ninja someday."

"What a loser."

The words made me remember. Remember from before I could do anything right. Damn, I sucked at everything I did. At first. I chanced a glance at Gaara. When we first met he never thought I was anything to take note of. Pretty much just ignored me. Hell, wasn't he surprised when I made him notice me? My attention drifted to the tiny red-haired bundle in his arms. Another lump formed in my throat and I tried to swallow it down. More like half-beat him into the fact I existed. Then...

I scoffed as I returned my attention back to the kid below me. His teammates or whatever the hell they were to him kept taunting him and I wanted to yell out to them to give the kid a chance.

I didn't have the time to do it. The kid grabbed a kunai out of his belt. "Take it back!"

One of the girls taunting him took a step back. "Hey, it's just a joke, cut it out. Put it down."

The kid raised his arm. "I said take it back."

My stomach lurched. He wouldn't. Would he? Standing so close, there was no way that kunai wouldn't hit at least one of them, no matter how bad his aim was.

"Oh please, you've never hit anything before, why should we believe you'd do it now?" A lanky boy crossed his arms, a half-smile on his face.

A half yell erupted from the boy with the kunai as his arm moved forward. Shit.

Shit, shit, shit. I didn't have time, I needed to--

Without thought, my hand was to my chest, and a copy of myself formed below me, just in time to get hit by a kunai. "Made it..." I slurred my words as the edges of my vision blurred. I tried to look up to Gaara but my limbs went fuzzy and the world faded away before I could do anything else.

* * *

Pain erupted in the back of my shoulder and I let out an 'oomph'. I fell into the arms of someone thin.

"What the heck?"

I looked up to the lanky kid for who I just took the hit for.

"What have you done?"

"It's her!"

Voices sounded from every direction around me and I worked at removing myself from the grip of the boy I fell into so I could gain my bearings. I brought my hand up feeling for the handle of the blade stuck in my other shoulder. Cool metal met with dense fabric wrapping and I grabbed hold of it. I winced at the blade moved with the touch, and I pulled. A yelp escaped my throat and I dropped the kunai on the ground. "Ow, damn." I shook out the afflicted arm, amazed I didn't just dissipate from the action. I took a breath and looked to the reason my arm hurt at the moment, ignoring the other kids who were asking if I were ok.

The boy stood frozen in place, a full look of shock on his features. The remaining kunai he held on to fell to the ground and I took a breath. I gave a glance to the lanky boy I just protected. "It might be in your best interest to start recognizing when you're about to get attacked."

"My Lady, I..."

I winced at the word and turned from him. Lady. Right. I took a strand of hair and held it in front of my face. Red. Thank the gods I actually apparated with the wig on. A deep breath through my nose and I walked to the boy who threw the kunai. Damn, it felt good to walk, even with the pain and wetness of blood currently cooling off my shoulder. With the movement, the wet feeling spread down my back, but I didn't care. I wasn't going to exist long anyway. I knelt before him. "Hey, what's your name?"

His eyes went from me, upwards and he kept silent. I could hear the quick intake of breath and I gave a light knock on his shoulder. Whatever he was looking at right now, I didn't care. He looked back at me.

"Your name."

"E-Eiji."

Eiji, huh? I made a mental note to remember the name and I gave him my widest smile. "Hey, next time someone taunts you, remember to keep your cool, alright? If people know you lose it, they will exploit that trait to defeat you." I took a breath when his eyes flitted back up, then back down to me. I was starting to get the feeling he was looking up to the stands. "It's good to meet you, Eiji."

When he didn't look back down to me and I chanced a glance up. I could feel the blood drain from my face. "Oh hell, I'm dead." I gave a half laugh and looked back down at the kid. "Might take me a while to wake back up from this." My stomach sank. The story. Reiterate the story. "My brother had way more chakra than me. I don't do clones well, even though I can make them." I was halfway sure the kid wasn't listening, but somebody might have.

I returned my attention to Gaara and gave him a nervous wave with the widest smile I could muster. A small pulsating cloud of sand surrounded him as Yumi worked at holding my body upright. He managed to look as though he were crossing his arms though he still held onto Kimi and I swear I could hear the grinding of his teeth from here.

I took a breath and hit the hole in my shoulder. A shock of pain erupted from the spot and for a moment I felt sick. "Damn." Another breath and I let the pain in my shoulder settle. "Wish me luck." I closed my eyes. I wasn't ready to face Gaara, but I had to. I hit my shoulder again, this time the pain ebbing out toward my whole body. There, that should be enough to go back to my main body. I caved into the feeling of tiredness I was starting to get accustomed to and fell forward, letting my body dissipate in the motion.

* * *

There was a movement by the window when I came to via a light rustling sound. I refused to look in the direction. If it were Gaara, I didn't want to see him. Not yet. Not until I knew how to explain what happened. I took a breath and focused on the spiral on the ceiling. How long was I out? Did Gaara freak out about it?

"You're awake, about damned time. Hell, you'd think this would get better after a while." Kankuro's voice came from the direction of the window and I let myself relax.

"Hey, Kankuro." I turned my head in his direction to ask about Gaara and flinched. Sitting next to the window with his legs crossed and holding onto Kimi was the exact person I was going to ask about. My breath hitched. "Gaara." My voice cracked and I groaned. I looked back up to the ceiling. "Sorry about that."

"Yeah, pretty sure you didn't have much choice in that one. Kid's probably getting reamed. Actually, halfway sure it only helped solidify the whole brother story, so..." Kankuro's voice trailed off.

Something whacked my stomach and I looked down to a pillow, and Yumi. "Here, I'll help you sit. Chuyo is still off trying to fix herself." She held out and hand and I grabbed it. She pulled me up and while I leaned forward she worked at the pillows.

While I was in the position, I watched Gaara. He hadn't budged since I noticed him. He wasn't even looking in my direction, instead, he stared out the window. He seemed... Oddly calm.

"Yeah, he's been like that since we got back. Honestly, no idea what's up with him." Yumi whispered it in my ear. There was a whomp of hitting the pillows. "Alright, you can sit back." Her hand went to my shoulder and she half caught me as I leaned back into them.

I felt drained. Why couldn't I make a single clone without feeling like I've been beaten half to death? My vision blurred with unshed tears and I looked away from everyone. Why couldn't I keep myself from crying? Was it because of the whole 'girl' thing? Was it because I was just so damned worn I couldn't help it anymore? A combination of the two? I had no idea.

"Hey, she's awake. We should probably get some work done, it's been over a day."

Over a day? I clenched my hands until my nails dug into my palms. What the hell?

"Gaara, come on." There was a slight rustling followed by an 'oomph' and a thud.

I turned to look just in time to see sand retreat back into Gaara's skin. Kankuro was on the floor at the edge of the dresser nearest the window.

"Fuck Gaara, the hell?"

Kimi started to cry and he moved. He moved her to his lap and leaned in. A shiver went through me as his dark voice came in nonsensical sounds to calm her. He tapped his knee for a light bounce and soon she settled back down. When he was certain she settled his back straightened back up and he looked back out the window.

The movement made my heart swell. Even in one of his moods, he doted on her. I watched Kimi for a few more minutes, ignoring Yumi as she went to help up Kankuro. "Can I hold her?"

The only indication Gaara heard me was the jump in the muscle in his jawline.

"Gaara?"

He turned his head and looked my way. No words beyond the simple stare. A small twitch near his eye interrupted his usual blank expression. A moment passed and he looked back out the window. "Stop making clones." His voice was lower than usual.

I swallowed. "The kid would have been stabbed, I didn't know what else I could do."

"Let him get hit."

"Hey, Gaara-" Sand shot out from Gaara and muzzled Kankuro.

I went to protest, but Gaara's eyes were back on me. "I know." He stood, moving Kimi to his chest with sand, grabbed Kankuro, and tossed him toward the door. He put his arms around Kimi and reabsorbed the sand holding her. He gave another look my way. "Tomorrow." With this, he followed Kankuro out the door.

When the door clicked shut I returned my attention to Yumi. "Well, I guess that's a no to holding onto Kimi then, isn't it?"

She looked over to me, then laughed. "I guess not."

* * *

I kept sleeping the day away. I fell asleep twice and I could barely function beyond that. "Ugh, I am so useless."

Yumi left sometime between the last time I fell asleep and when I woke again. I tried to sit up, but my body didn't want to cooperate yet. "Alright, alright, I won't make any more clones until I get better. Damn." I groaned and worked on turning onto my side. It took me longer than it should have, but eventually, I made it. I let out a breath. There. At least at this angle, I could reach the few books they left in my reach. I worked at getting one. I stretched out my arm and grabbed for it. My fingertips brushed the nearest book. I scooted a smidge further and went for it again. This time, I was able to get my fingers on it.

I let out a victorious cry and moved to bring it in. Except it felt heavy and it slipped through my fingers, falling to the floor. The door opened at the same time I groaned, irritated my own body wouldn't cooperate with me. There were a few footsteps and I let out a sigh of relief. "So glad you're here. Hey, Yumi, could you grab me this book? I'm getting sick of just laying here."

Silence. "Yumi?" Was I hearing things? I did hear the door open, didn't I? "Yumi, is that you?"

There was only silence, silence long enough I thought I was hearing things. Then, more footsteps. Alright, not losing my mind. I took a deep breath. Who was it? A lump formed in my throat. So this is what it was like not being able to sense other people's chakra. It annoyed me before, but now, this far along after having Kimi, it wasn't natural. How could people stand this? Would I ever regain this ability either? "Who's there?" My voice came out in a whisper and I cursed myself for it.

The person in my room didn't respond. Instead, a weight came down on the bed next to me, and an oddly familiar feeling hand grabbed mine. I swallowed.

"I think it's time we talked." That voice.

For a moment, my world fell away from me. Why? Why was she here? No wonder the hand felt familiar. I took a breath to calm my now racing heart. "Hinata." Her name was the only word I could say. I looked up over my shoulder to the face I knew would be there.

She gave me a soft smile and a slight squeeze of my hand. "Hello, Naruto."


	9. A Change of Plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I haven't done a note in a little while, so some fun news. Over the holidays I became engaged :D He is anything and everything I could ever hope for and gives me better fuel for writing this since I consider this entire series the ultimate love story. I am also working on a new website, which I plan to have active by the end of the month and will include the announcement in an author's note once it goes live.
> 
> As always, I hope you enjoy this chapter, and reviews/comments serve to inspire <3

**Gaara**

There were voices attempting to gain my attention, but I was not in the mood to hear them. I was not in the mood to do anything. The only thing I allowed my attention to was the tiny person in my arms. I thought my office was secluded enough to avoid contact with others. I thought the events of yesterday would be sufficient enough for the other people in the tower to stay clear. I didn't kill the clone. I didn't kill the boy who instigated the creation of the clone. I hadn't confronted Yumi about Nobuo which at this moment I was sure would turn fatal.

For me, this was progress. I did not, however, have the desire to discuss the situation with anyone, especially in the council just yet. I understood the need for it. I understood why the boy acted out.

It did not satiate my want to lash out. I could have left Kimi with her mother, but she had a calming effect on me and I was not in the mood to lose my temper over an accident.

Not when more pressing things were at stake. I shifted in my seat and looked at the clock. I missed an outing with my wife and I wasn't sure they would accept our outing considering the circumstances. I also doubted my wife would ever take the suggestion of letting someone just get hit in the future.

A sharp loud noise sounded next to my ear and made my Kimi cry, pulling me out of my own thoughts. I grabbed out, catching the hand holding the clacker, and squeezed. There was a strong intake of breath. Then nothing. I looked at the perpetrator and tightened my hand.

A light whimper escaped the man and I let go. Good, he realized his mistake. I brought Kimi to my chest and patted her while ensuring the man could see the full glare I sent his way.

"Finally." He whispered the word then visibly swallowed and shook out his hand. "Lord Gaara, the council has sent word the outing yesterday will count toward the requirements. The incident was not foreseen, but according to the running rumors the public is more assured than before on the relation of Lady Kisarei to Lord Seventh Hokage Naruto Uzumaki."

My outing would count? I took a breath. I needed to get my other concern out of the way. "She only just woke before I arrived here. I was unable to fulfill the dinner outing for this evening, will this be a problem?"

The man shifted, an odd look passing over his features. "Actually, this is why I am here." He cleared his throat and looked away. "You are getting a pass on your dinner outings."

I leaned back in my chair until it sunk in he said outings, in the plural. I narrowed my eyes. "Outings?" I was certain the singular word would suffice to get my question through.

The look on the man turned to panic. His eyes darted around the room and he angled for a better route to the door. He did not give me an answer.

I was not in the mood to play these sorts of games. With a slight flick of my hand, I sealed the door with sand and stood. "Speak."

The man fell backward onto the floor. "Lord Kazekage, I..." He trailed off and scooted backward.

I let out a breath and sat back down. "Calm down, I'm not going to kill you." I twisted the chair to face the window and took a breath. _Monster._ No matter how much I tried to escape the word, no matter how much I insisted I was not, the word haunted me. In the looks of the people around me, by the way I still felt pleasure in others' pain and death. I had to figure out the precise words to calm him down, but I hadn't a day to prepare nor lists to come up with. These were the conversations I disliked the most, the ones where I had no control of the outcome.

"I'm sorry, Lord Kazekage, I... I didn't mean..." He trailed off again.

If I were to apologize, would he continue on with what he had meant about the plural? Perhaps if I were to reason out his own reaction to me, he would feel calmer in my presence? Yes, this seemed the best plan. I turned back to him. "Of course you meant it, it is a simple reaction to me. You are not the first nor will you be the last to react to my presence in such a way." I tilted my head at him, debating about helping him from the ground. I reached out with my sand, grabbed hold of the man, and deposited him back onto his feet.

The man brushed himself off, a visible tremble to his hand as he set his jaw and took a breath deep enough to heave his shoulder. He took another breath. "They are also going to allow you to postpone the final outing until after you are wed."

I stared at him. What? I made sure to keep my face expressionless as I attempted to figure out the meaning behind the cancellation. "They are not going to approve of the ceremony?"

"They have removed the precise day it shall take place, but they are prepared to air within a moment's notice."

"I do not understand." Why would they change the date? Why would they cancel my outings, especially the last one? I moved enough sand from around the room and my body to create a small bassinet for my little one and leaned on my desk once she was secure.

"I do not have the answer you seek, I know after I take my leave and let them know I have passed along the information, they have someone else coming in. They said I needed to prepare you, that this is of utmost importance, it is why I had to get your attention, my Lord." He gave a small bow. "You understand what the council has decided then?"

"They have canceled the remaining outings with my wife before our wedding."

"And postponed, not canceled the final outing."

I pushed myself from the desk and crossed my arms. "Let them know I understand." I wanted to add more, but my mouth was dry. This was unlike the council. What could have possibly happened they would rescind part of their agreement to ensure the process of marrying my Kisarei was both exhausting and as formal as possible. I removed the sand from the door, ensuring to let the grains pass by the man, just as another small reminder I was not a person to mess with. I placed them into the armor around my body and watched as the man fumbled with the door before he left my presence.

The moment the door shut, the unease settled in. I allowed my mask to fall and I stood up from the desk. What was going on? My mind immediately went to my son. The moment it went there, I couldn't shake the feeling something happened. Was he alright? Was he back? Had they heard something? What could it possibly have been they would go so far as to...

Was he alive? Air. I couldn't breathe. My hand went to my throat and I worked on taking a breath. He had to be alright. He had to be alive. Why would they need to prepare me? They could have led in with the news, they didn't have to make me understand what they were going to do beforehand? Were they trying to get me to lose my mind? Why was the next messenger not positioned at the door for an immediate convergence of information? I went back to my desk and leaned on it. I focused my eyes on the dot I etched into it years ago to help deal with my panic attacks from before.

Then, I heard the door open. I looked up to the next messenger and froze. My mouth went dry and I attempted to swallow as I righted myself from my desk.

I stared at the woman in the doorway. I had no idea what to say, what to do. I wanted to ask why she was here, but my mouth disobeyed my mind. Hinata. In Suna. "I..." I had no idea what to say, I had no way to form the words I know I needed to say. This wasn't something I expected, in any form. I wanted to ask about my son, about Sakura, if...

"The communication between Suna and Konoha is still an issue, we couldn't send word so I volunteered myself to deliver the message personally. It's important, Gaara. I need you to listen."

I continued to stare at her. Speak. I couldn't say it, my throat tightened and I attempted to clear my throat.

"It... It's about your son."

My thoughts crashed back to where they were supposed to be. I straightened my back, rounded the desk, and neared her. "Is he alive?"

She wrung her hands. "Yes, he is alive."

I let out a breath. "Then why are you here?"

Her hands tightened around each other until her knuckles paled. "I... Gaara, you see..." She looked away and the feeling of dread began to return. She said he was alive, but...

"Where is he?"

"He is in Konoha."

"Why?"

She flinched and bit at her lips.

I crossed my arms, starting to get irritated with the woman. When she didn't respond further, I worked out the words I wanted to speak in my mind, then recited them to her. "As it stands, I am both angry and grateful to you. I do not know how to express either and unless you tell me why you are withholding my Shinki I cannot guarantee my reaction."

She took a deep breath. "They have not told me the status of your son, just... Just..." She closed her eyes, then straightened her back and looked me in the eye. "I am not sure the full circumstance behind it, but he has endured an injury. One where we cannot yet send him home without further injury to his person. They want a squad of medical ninja to escort him to avoid any further injury."

I stared at her. Injury. Shinki, he's hurt. "How badly is he hurt?" I licked my lips, my mouth dry.

"I don't know."

Hurt. Enough for them not to send him home. He needed help. "How badly, Hinata?" I could feel the sand begin to react to me. It flowed in small waves off of my body, and for the moment, I didn't care. I had to know.

"I don't know."

Sand erupted from me, the walls. She was lying. She had to have known, why else would she come? "Tell me!"

"Gaara, I don't know." With this, her arms raised and veins began to ebb out from her eyes.

I didn't care. Let her. "Hinata..."

My arm went numb and she was next to me. "I said I don't know Lord Kazekage. I chose to come because of what I left here. I had to see for myself. I only carry the message, and while they told me to go behind your back, I insisted to speak directly to you. Understand?"

I worked at comprehending her words, and gathered the sand, and pushed it to the wall. A resounding crash echoed in the room, making my baby cry. I took a breath in through my nose. Calm. I needed to stay calm. "They wanted to work around me?"

She hummed and hit my shoulder. Feeling pulsed back into my arm in a small painful wave. I hissed and clasped my fist.

"Did you have to be so drastic?"

"Would you have listened to me otherwise?"

The cries of my Kimi broke the fog in my mind and I went to her. I moved the bassinet to my arms, dissolving it around them until her weight transferred back to me. I muttered at her, her tiny lips forming into a full-on pout. "I'm sorry, shh." Deep pain at the expression erupted in my chest, and I worked harder at calming her.

"Gaara?"

I looked up at her and wondered why the world became blurry.

"You're crying."

I brought my finger to my eyes and looked at it. A small speck of wet showed at the place I touched my eyes. I pressed it between my fingers and rubbed it in an attempt to remove it. I returned my attention to Kimi. I felt ill. Send a team to fetch him? They expected I would go along with such a thing? "I will assemble the ones who will go with me."

For a moment, I didn't think she was going to respond to what I said. I looked up at her to find her staring at me. "You are going yourself?"

My muscles tensed at the question and I shifted Kimi in my arms so she nestled into my chest. She was starting to grow. I didn't like it. "He is my son."

Her face softened at my remark. "Yes, he is." Her eyes shifted slightly. "Is that..." She trailed off.

I caught myself tightening my grip on Kimi. Mine. I cleared my throat fighting with the instinctive word I wanted to say. "Yes." This was more hiss than a word. It's fine. This was Hinata. She held no right to know, not after what she did, not after erasing Naruto's name from hers as though he never existed.

"May I see?"

I turned toward the window, hoping she would get the hint I had no interest in sharing my baby with her. "The fastest route is out of question as I cannot travel alone. I will have to take Kimi with me." A thought occurred to me just then. A terrible, but perfect thought. I took a breath. I irritated myself by knowing who I would have to bring for sheer peace of mind. "As well as someone unused to such travels. If we leave by morning, we could arrive as soon as four days as long as I stick to the more common roads." An echo of Kankuro's sentiment about me purposely finding people to kill entered my mind. I cleared my throat in an attempt to remove the thought from my mind.

"Tell me, how is he?"

I spun on my heel and faced her. "She, Hinata. In case you have forgotten Naruto Uzumaki died in battle months ago." I laced as much acid into my tone as I could muster. "As though you care. You removed his name from yours. Do your children still carry it, or have you erased him from them as well?"

I didn't see her move, but I did feel the dull pain in my cheek when she slapped me. I grabbed her wrist after she struck me. She fought a moment and I squeezed.

A wave of unreadable emotion went over me. Anger, jealousy, grief, happiness. It was as though everything combined together and tried to remove my breath. For once I chose to focus on words rather than the odd emotion. "What right do you have? I am torn, Lady Hinata. I do not know if I should love you or hate you for what you've done. My wife can never be a ninja again, she will endure your decision for the rest of her life. A life -" My voice cracked and I let her go. "A life that..." I trailed off. I nearly lost her. Words were gone. I didn't feel like talking anymore.

"They are still and always will be Uzumaki, Gaara. I'm sorry, I never... I never meant..." Her face shimmered from the tears she shed during my small rant.

"What did you mean to happen then? I implore you to find reason in it."

Her tongue darted out and licked at her lips before she chewed on her bottom lip. She took a breath and turned away. "Will you sit down a moment?" Her shoulders lifted with a deep breath followed by the hollow sound of letting go of air in a thin wisp.

Against my judgment, I followed her orders and sat back into my chair. Kimi fussed at the movement and I made her a small chair to sit in while we spoke. I held out my finger and she grabbed hold of it and let out a squealing giggle.

Whatever emotion held me before melted away and I could feel the tension leave my shoulders. I looked back to Hinata, who now sat across from me at my desk, staring at my daughter. A strange expression, one I didn't recognize graced her features. I cleared my throat.

Her attention returned to me. "She's beautiful, Gaara."

I studied her and looked back at Kimi. "The reason why I cannot be entirely angry with you." I didn't want to admit it, but I said it anyway. Because of Hinata's betrayal of Naruto, I became a father. Because of her betrayal, I became the mother of this child's husband. Because of her, there was a slight chance I could one day create more children like Kimi.

"I don't know what I thought would happen. Honestly, I had no idea he would wish for this." She took a deep breath. "I... I only hoped it would give him the courage to see what I could see. I only wanted him to be happy."

I looked up from Kimi. "What exactly did you think would have made him happy?"

Here, she looked me directly in my eyes. She leaned forward, her hands on the table. "There is only one thing that could make him happy, Lord Kazekage, and that one thing is you."

* * *

* * *

I couldn't focus on anything. Bit by bit the reality of Hinata's news about Shinki sunk in and I didn't try to stop her when she followed me home. She asked to see Naruto. I didn't answer but pointed at the stairs when she asked where I kept her. I couldn't concentrate. I didn't want to think. I wanted to go. Leaving just before dark was too dangerous, I would leave in the morning in order to reach adequate shelter by the following nightfall. I would have to see Kisarei before I left as well, at least to let her know. I paced the floor.

I called for Kankuro the moment the wretched woman left me, and still nothing. What was he doing that was so important? Had I not stressed the importance of the situation enough with the messenger? A lump formed in my throat. This situation was important to him as well. His decision, I could never understand, the mere thought of willingly letting another person raise Kimi made my stomach lurch.

Shinki was born of him. Shinki is blood. He spilled his precious blood and I needed to leave.

Shinki needs me.

He needs me.

The world blurred and I fell against the wall. I let gravity take me to the floor. Too much. I had to go. I had to...

I had to...

I heard the door open. He must have arrived. "Kankuro?" What took you so long? I wanted to ask, but my mouth wouldn't move past his name.

"Gaara?"

I buried my face in my hands. I didn't want to look at him. Shinki's hurt.

It's my fault. I should have fought harder to keep him home, I should have convinced him.

"What happened?" His voice was closer this time. "Where's Kimi?"

The bassinet I put down here for when I worked. I willed myself to speak it, but my mouth refused to work. Instead, I continued to sit there, the wall holding me upright and covering my face with my hands. I wouldn't be able to hide my emotions. I didn't want to. I had to. What time was it? "What time?" My voice shook with the words and I condemned the display of emotion.

I fought to keep my hands in place when he didn't respond to me. Instead, the silence from him only made the pain in my chest grow stronger and I curled inward.

Weight fell my shoulders and fingers dug into the sand covering my skin. I wanted to brush them away, but I let them stay. "Did something happen to Rei?"

No, not her. I couldn't say it. I was afraid if I spoke it aloud, it would somehow make it worse. I needed to know what happened to my son. I needed to know if he would be alright.

I needed to know if I could fix it for him.

"Shinki?"

My entire body tensed at his name.

"Shinki then." Kankuro sighed and the weight at my shoulders left.

My body lurched upward without volition and my hands pulled away from my face.

Kankuro stood too close to me, his jaw set and his eyes narrow. "What have you learned, Gaara?" His voice held a dark tone, one I rarely heard.

Hurt. He's hurt. The lump in my throat grew and I struggled against the invisible hold of his puppetry. Without meaning to, sand erupted around my feet and hit him in a wave. What held me upright dissipated and I fell into a cloud of sand. I forced myself to breathe. I looked over to my brother, who was now half sprawled out near the couch on the other side of the room.

"Fuck, Gaara. What the damned hell? I deserve to know, he's my nephew, and..." He trailed off.

I looked away from him. I had to tell him. I just couldn't get my voice to work.

"I have to know. Do you think I haven't been worried? Those people at the hospital, they went up against you, Gaara. He's never been tested with something personal, and I don't know how he'd react. If something happened to him, and you know, tell me, damn it."

My body rose back into the air, but this time because he grabbed me by my shirt. I didn't fight it and forced myself to stay upright once the pressure from him stopped.

"Hinata." I took a breath and looked him in the eye. I could do this. "He's in Konoha."

"There's more to it than that or you wouldn't be like this. I know you."

"He's hurt. I don't... I don't know... I..." I didn't know how to phrase my thoughts. I didn't want to. "I have to go. I'm leaving in the morning."

"I'll go with you."

"You can't." I meant it.

He growled at me. "The hell you could keep me away. Is he alive? Do you know what happened?"

"You can't." I still meant it.

"One real reason, Gaara."

I bit my cheek, hard enough the pain of it brought me out of my own thoughts. I closed my eyes and focused on it. Think. I needed to clear my mind. Another breath. I'm the Kazekage, I had no business getting overwhelmed by the thought something was wrong with my son. I squared my shoulders and focused on removing any emotion from my face. "I will need you to stay to protect my wife. She is unable to defend herself. While I have many ninjas here, you along with the help of Lady Hinata will give me enough peace of mind to know she is safe while I am away. I will take Kimi with me, in case she has another episode. I'll also take the clone. Knowing you are here protecting her, and having him as proof of life will allow me to concentrate on getting my son home."

Kankuro's face distorted into a look of disgust. He moved to wipe my mouth and twisted his hand to show me blood. "There are days I wonder if I'll ever get used to the way you handle the pressure."

I brought my own fingers to my mouth and touched. I brought my hand out to examine the obvious look of blood. "I bit too hard."

He went to the other side of the room and tossed me some sort of cloth draped on the couch. "Obviously. Here, wipe your mouth. You tend to look crazy enough half the time without you foaming blood at the mouth." He took a breath. "Ignore that."

I decided not to comment on what he said and studied the cloth he handed me. "This is a handwoven throw gifted to the family a few years ago."

"You would rather bleed over your clothes? I'll get it cleaned."

I held it to my mouth and allowed it to soak in my errant blood. "I need to go upstairs." My voice sounded muffled from behind the throw.

"You are seriously going to bring that guy with you?"

I spit and pressed my tongue against the wound inside my mouth. "As long as he lives while he travels with me, I know she too is alive."

He came over and sat on the couch. "Fine. I'll stay. You better call me as soon as you get there though. I want to know what's happened to him." He took a breath and brushed his face with his hand. "I'll grab the clone too. Not like I want to see him, but I'll do it." He leaned back. "When are you leaving?"

"An hour before sunrise."

He looked up to the ceiling. "I'll head out in a minute. Go to your wife. I'll get everything else ready." His voice sounded off.

I tilted my head as I studied his posture. He was tired? I wanted to ask. I turned to head upstairs and I stilled. I turned to him. "You are tired?" I couldn't help myself. I wanted to know.

He gave a half laugh but didn't bother looking my way. "Yeah. I'm tired, Gaara. Just tired." He flopped his head in my direction. "Go ahead and see your wife Gaara. Everything will be fine, alright?" He pushed himself off the couch and neared me. He pressed a single finger in the spot between my brows and pressed. "Trust me, ok?"

I gave him a small nod and continued my journey up the stairs.

Once I arrived at the second set of stairs, I swear I heard him yell.


	10. Hinata

**Kisarei**

Hinata squeezed my hand again after saying my name. I stared at her a moment before rubbing my eyes. Was I hallucinating? I looked away from her. Maybe I was losing my mind. Losing my mind seemed a more reasonable thing than her actually sitting on my bed, holding my hand and looking so...

So damned calm. Why did she look like that? Shouldn't she be mad, or sad, or something? I mean, the hell? The more I thought about it, the more annoyed with the whole thing I got. I shifted so I was on my back again and I yanked my hand from hers. She had no business attempting to do the little comforting thing she always did when I got hurt.

That was before. Before she annulled our marriage when I was Naruto and actually thought she gave more than two hells about me. I worked at sitting up and cursed at my body under my breath as I struggled.

Her hands went to my back and I sent her a small glare. "I can do it, I'm not completely useless, you know."

She removed them and folded them in her lap. She looked away and I was both happy and irritated she allowed me to do it myself. "Naruto, I..." She trailed off and worried her hands.

I worked at righting myself and once I was upright I thunked her on the shoulder. "Since you're here, mind helping get the pillows right?"

The soft smile turned into a bigger one. "Yes, I can help." She stood and moved around the bed, gathering the pillows to put behind my back. Once they were in place, she stood at the foot of the bed. Her smile faltered. Then, I noticed there were tears in her eyes.

I looked away from her. "Tsch, you should sit or something. You just staring at me crying like that is damn creepy."

After a moment I looked back over her way. Her hands crossed over her mouth and her body held a slight tremble.

My heart lurched. I never liked to see her cry. No matter how I felt, I didn't want to see her cry, not like this. "Hey, Hinata, what the hell, ok? Don't cry. I..." I trailed off, not knowing what to say.

My words however only made it worse. She crumpled in onto herself and outright sobbed. "What have I done? Oh, Naruto, what have I done to you?"

"Hinata?" I shifted and worked at getting my legs off the side of the bed. Maybe I could get to her. Why did I want to go to her? The idea both for and against it was the same. It's Hinata. I still love her. I growled and scooted toward her as she continued to sob at the foot of the bed. Why did she have to go and collapse all the way down there? Fine. If I fell, so be it. Gaara would just have to understand.

The singular thought of him sent a wave of guilt through me. Should I still care so much about Hinata when I loved him so much? I took a breath as another wave of sobs came from her. It wasn't something I wanted to think about. I pushed myself from the bed and started toward Hinata, trying to ignore the weakness in my legs.

One step. Two steps. The telltale pain worked through my back, down my legs. Come one, just a couple more. One more step and my legs turned to jelly and I landed on the floor with an 'oomph'.

A gasp sounded near me. Hands went to my shoulders and I looked up. I gave her the widest smile I could muster. "Hey." I gave a half laugh and scratched at the side of my head.

She moved one of her hands from my shoulders and she wiped at her eyes. "I didn't mean to cry. I'm sorry." She averted her eyes a moment. "Let me help you up."

I shrugged. "Well, it's you help me or wait for one of the nurses to come by or-" I didn't finish my sentence when arms went around me and hoisted me into the air. A lump formed in my throat. Just how small was I anyway? I winced at the jarring to my back, but she laid me on the bed face first. "Hey, what are you-" I went to try and right myself but her hands went to me.

"I need you to stay still for me, Naruto. I want to see something."

"Like what?" I tried to move again but her hands held firm. I groaned. "Fine, whatever." I brought my arms up so I could fold them under my chin. Minutes passed in silence as she looked at me. I knew what she was doing. I wonder if she could tell Kurama's gone? I half snickered at the thought. Another repercussion from the wish. I had no way to be the person I was.

The person I used to be was gone forever, dead with the clone I left behind in Konoha. My throat tightened. For a moment, for a single moment, I felt like me again. With her, with the name, she used, with the way she held my hand, with her smile I was for a moment Naruto Uzumaki. The Seventh Hokage, a father, a ninja who had the ability not only to protect himself and his family but an entire nation.

I cleared my throat hoping the action would help in clearing my mind as well. "You done yet?"

She hummed. "Almost."

I let out a groan and hands moved me to my side.

"I'm done, for now, Naruto." She gave me one of her soft smiles, her eyes still puffy from crying just a few short minutes ago.

I closed my eyes. Naruto. Acid rose in my throat. "Stop it." I didn't want to see her reaction. It was hard enough to get Gaara to let me go.

Hinata though. This one was harder. For him, I wanted him to let me go so I could be the person I was going to grow into. For her, I would be asking her to allow the father of her children to die along with the clone. For her, it would be forever.

"Stop what?" Her voice was softer than usual, almost inaudible.

I took a breath. "My name, it's Kisarei."

I expected her to say something. Anything. Minutes passed and I forced my eyes open and she wasn't near the bed anymore. I looked around, and after shifting further on the bed found her behind me, standing near the window.

"Hinata?"

She didn't turn to face me. "Naruto," she stressed the name, "give me a few minutes, please? Just a few. Before I have to let you go again. I know you aren't the same. It's obvious." She looked back at me, tears streaming down her face. She wiped them away and walked back to the bed and sat on the edge near me. "I don't know what I expected when I came here. I thought, maybe, you would still look like you, somehow. I never saw you. I left before I could." She looked up at the ceiling and an odd look crossed her face. "You drew on the ceiling?"

I stared at her a moment and let out a small laugh. "Naw, not in here anyway. Gaara did it. I drew downstairs years ago and he left it there."

She looked back down at me. "Why?"

I shrugged. "Gaara." The thought he kept the stupid doodle all these years made me smile, an odd warmth filling my chest.

She sighed. "That's why." With those two words, she looked to the window again.

Huh? "What's why?" Why what?

Her shoulders heaved as she drew in a breath, then she let it out. A pause, then she repeated the process.

"Hinata?"

"The wish. I could see it. The way you would look at him, the way you spoke about him. You couldn't see it yourself, but..." She trailed off and returned her attention to me. "At first, I thought it was all in my head. You chose me, you married me." She worried her bottom lip, stopped, and breathed in through her nose. "I knew, for certain after Boruto was born."

"How?" My voice cracked on the word and I cleared my throat. Since I came out of my coma, I wanted to know what she was thinking. The loss of her and the kids made my heart hurt. I wanted to make sense of everything. Make sense of her decision, and my own.

She broke the odd silence which led to my thoughts. "There was this silly little thing." She smiled and grabbed my hand again. This time, I let her. "You probably don't even remember. It was a teacup. You found it in the stand in your office near the desk, the oddest of places." She squeezed my hand.

I stared at her when she didn't continue. What? That dumb teacup? I scrunched my nose and gave a small 'humph'. I looked away. The teacup wasn't any kind of indicator of how I felt about Gaara. "I don't get why you would think the teacup would be anything."

"Naruto, look at me."

I swallowed. I wasn't sure I wanted to, but I did it anyway.

"Do you know where the teacup is right now?"

I opened my mouth, then closed it. My stomach twisted. I knew. I knew what she was about to say. I brought my free hand to cover my face. "The stand near the desk in my old home office."

She removed her hand from mine. "Yes. You do remember then." Her eyes drifted down. "It was one of the last things we found Gaara moved, and you insisted it stay because maybe it was better there anyway."

"Hinata, I..." I trailed off. I had no idea what to say. "It was stupid, I know, but..."

"It was Gaara." She looked back up at me. "Something small, but I would see you looking at it every once in a while when I passed by."

"It was just a reminder." I swallowed. I forgot about the teacup.

She hummed, then pointed to the ceiling. "Just as leaving a silly doodle on the ceiling is just a reminder, don't you think, Naruto?"

I shifted my weight fully into the pillows behind me. The hell with it. I don't care anymore, let her see. I let the tears come. "Gods, Hinata, even if I ever figured it out, what in the hell did you think would happen? You think I would just start some kind of damned affair with him somehow and it wouldn't have some sort of backlash? We were both Kage, I was fine enough where we were. He was fine enough where we were. What did you think the wish would do? Why the wish? I want to know, I don't... I don't understand why..."

"You weren't happy and you were half killing yourself with work. You worked hard, I know, but..." Another breath and I looked back at her. "I only wanted you to see it, to..." She bit at her lip. "I don't know. I didn't think it all the way through, and now..." She shoved herself off the bed. "I destroyed everything you ever worked for. I don't even know how to fix it."

"Kinda late."

She ignored my words and waved her hand in a sideways motion following the bed. "I looked, I might be able to help, but I can't fix it. Something happened to you during this."

I looked away. So she did notice. I scoffed. "Yeah, Kurama's gone. Don't even know how I made it, but I did. Hell, I'll be happy to just walk again, you know?"

There was a small gasp from her and the bed shifted beside me. I looked over and nearly flinched at how close she was. She hadn't sat back down but leaned over the bed instead. "How?"

"Kimi." I said it without thought then half winced. I wasn't sure Gaara wanted people to know just yet she was a jinchuriki. "Don't say anything, alright? I'm not sure Gaara wants anyone to know yet."

She didn't respond but stood up as veins ebbed out from her eyes. She hummed. "I see. At least it explains the leak. After Gaara leaves, I will at least seal the leak. I think it might be the reason why you aren't healing, maybe your body is working extra to fix your chakra leak. I'm not sure if it's the cause for the rest of it, but maybe..." She trailed off and the veins retracted until they were no longer visible.

I swallowed. "Gaara's leaving?"

She stared at me. "This is all you heard from what I said?"

I rolled my eyes. "Something about sealing some kind of chakra leak. Honestly, I am tired of just feeling damn tired. Every time I try to make a clone, I pretty much pass out for a while. I can hold the clone now at least, but it kinda zaps me."

"You..." An odd look passed over her face. "You can't make clones! It could kill you. I... " She covered her mouth, then dropped her hands back down, this time a small frown on her lips. "Why, even you should feel how little chakra you have left."

A hum sounded from the doorway. "A losing argument." The deep voice sent a small shiver down my spine. His voice sounded more ragged than usual.

I looked to the doorway to watch Gaara enter and create a sand chair near the door. He leaned forward, his arms resting on his knees.

Before I could ask what's wrong Hinata moved from the bed. "I should go."

Gaara's fingers splayed out and sand shot out from his body and sealed the door. "You stay. I've no desire to air personal matters in front of the attendants and I am sure they will be satisfied by your presence here." He never looked up while he spoke, instead speaking to the floor.

"I will just sit down then." She moved to the window and sat in the chair positioned there.

"I'm leaving in a few hours." He continued to stare at the floor. Something was definitely wrong.

"Hinata said you'd be leaving, what's going on?"

A small vase across the room exploded and Hinata squeaked with surprise.

He looked up and with another flick of his wrist, sand moved. He mumbled something about having removed all of it before but I wasn't sure exactly what he said. The sand agitated where the vase fell and echoes of grinding and cracking ceramic filled the room until all traces of the vase vanished. Once gone, the sand moved to Gaara and disappeared into his skin.

I swallowed. "Gaara?"

"You told her?" His eyes fixated on Hinata. There was a look to him reminding me of when he was a kid.

I swallowed. "Hinata..." I whispered the name, hoping to warn her. He was in a mood. Too much happened over the past year. I didn't want to count on his ability to keep controlling his crazy.

"Just that you'll be leaving." She wrung her hands together and looked out the window.

I cleared my throat, wanting to change the subject. "She wants to fix my chakra leak."

Hinata groaned and I realized it may have been the wrong subject change. "Why do you think I mentioned it after he left?"

I growled at her. "How the hell was I supposed to know that was supposed to be a fucking secret, huh?"

"Chakra leak?" Gaara sat back up and crossed his legs. He also crossed his legs and he went expressionless with a tilt of his head.

"Yes." Her soft voice went higher, almost a squeak. She looked at me, then returned her attention to Gaara. She took a breath. "I took a look at him. He has a leak in the main network, I think it might be why his body isn't healing. This also might be why he seems so fragile."

"She." A muscle jumped in his jaw as his voice lowered with the single word.

"Um, hey guys?"

"Give me this, just today. Let me pretend Naruto is still Naruto, will you?"

"No." There was grinding as his fingers dug deeper into his arms.

"Hey, will you guys just listen to me?" I wanted to diffuse. Hey, happy, see I could be happy. I smiled as wide as I could, hoping it would magically catch.

She took a step toward him. "I don't care, Gaara. You weren't there. I had to identify him, I had to watch as they burned his body. I barely made it back in time to be there for my kids so _he,_ " she pointed at me, "could be here with you."

Sand shifted on his body and his brows tightened, a small frown on his face. "Watch your words, Lady Hinata."

"I do not fear you, Kazekage." In response to the growing amount of sand, she changed her stance to a fighting one, veins ebbing out from her eyes.

"Oh come on, what the damned hell is wrong with you two?"

They continued to ignore me as Gaara stood from his chair, sand gathering at his hands.

I groaned. This wasn't good. One of them would get hurt, and to be honest, I wasn't sure which one. I tossed a pillow in their direction, but my terrible lack of any strength showed by it barely making it beyond the bed. "Will you guys stop it?" I yelled, but to no avail. What the hell?

Seriously, what the hell? Did they dislike each other so much? Hinata stretched into her full fighting pose and Gaara held his hand up, the sand shooting towards her faster than I could see.

I brought my hand up to my chest. It could kill me, right? I took a breath. What was the point of all this if two of the people I cared most about killed each other for no good reason? It took everything I had in me to do it this time. It was too soon. I tried to stay awake once I saw the new version of me standing between them. She held out her arms. "Stop it!"

"Naruto!" Hinata yelled it as Gaara's attention turned towards me.

My limbs became nonexistent and the definitive buzz filled my head as my vision blurred. "Aw, damn." My words were the last thing I remembered before my world went dark.

* * *

The first thing I noticed when I came to was a warmth in my hand. Gaara? I gripped the hand there, then sighed. No. Not Gaara. The hand was rougher than his, smaller. I opened my eyes and looked over to Hinata. She sat next to the bed, holding my hand and looking toward the window. "Hey."

She looked back over to me. Her face lit up. "Naruto, you are awake."

I stared at her. Odd. When I first came to after having Kimi, all I wanted was this. Now she's here, holding my hand and... I pulled my hand away. It felt wrong. "Where's Gaara?"

Her face fell almost as quick as it brightened. "Oh, well he left with the clone." She smiled and pointed at her feet. "He made sure I would sit down and encased my feet in sand. I could get rid of it if I wanted, but it's fine. I think I overreacted earlier, I do not wish to make him more upset than I already have." She gave her soft, kind smile at the end of her words.

I scoffed. "Yeah, sure." I looked up to the spiral and took a breath. "How are they? The kids."

"Do you even care?"

I snapped my head back in her direction. "Are you serious right now? You really think I had a ton of choice in all this?" I worked at sitting up and batted away her helping hands. She 'helped' me a little too much already. "I mean, hell. You practically gave me Gaara with a giant bow on his head, but the price was everything that made me who I am." I finished sitting up and worked at the pillows.

She went to help again and I batted her hands away. "Let me help, Naruto."

My stomach twisted. "Stop it."

She stilled and sat back in the chair, her gaze returning to the window. It isn't what I meant her to stop, but fine, whatever. I didn't give a damn if I hurt her feelings at the moment anyway. She's not my wife anymore.

 _She's not my wife anymore._ Here I remembered exactly how she went about everything. She went behind my back. She waited until our annulment waiting period was almost done to even let me know. I already was pregnant with Kimi when I found out. I didn't even have a choice in it. She never let me try. I would have tried, wouldn't have I?

Before the wish, I wouldn't have just let her slip through my fingers, would I? I swallowed. No. I wouldn't. I would have worked at it. "Why didn't you tell me? About us?"

I heard her inhale through her nose and she looked back at me. "You wouldn't have let it happen. I know you too well. I thought the wish would buffer it, I..." She trailed off. "I am sorry, Naruto, for everything."

Tears welled up in my eyes and I wiped them away before they fell. "Me too. Hinata, me too." She grabbed my hand with both of hers, and this time I let her. I couldn't look at her. I didn't want to. I looked instead at the spiral on the ceiling. "Did you hate me so much? Was I so bad at everything?" I whispered the question, not wanting to know the real answer.

"I love you. With every fiber of my being, Naruto."

"Then why?" My voice cracked with the question.

"You were killing yourself trying to live up to the person you thought you needed to be, and I couldn't watch you do it anymore. When I woke up with the clone, I knew. I knew I couldn't keep you anymore." The warmth of her hands left me. "I think it's better I leave."

Cracking echoed through the room and I knew she removed Gaara's sand. I took a breath. Ex-wife. Naruto's ex-wife. "Hinata." I called out to her but refused to look at her for this.

"Naruto?" Her voice sounded from the doorway.

I flinched. No, I wasn't going to look at her for this. Especially since she kept insisting on saying Naruto all the damned time. "My name is Kisarei. I am the wife of the Kazekage, the future Lady of Suna. My twin brother, Naruto Uzumaki was killed in battle."

"Naruto."

I clenched my fists. "Hell, Hinata. That part of me fucking died on the battlefield. Let it go, will you? I am not him anymore, I'll never be him anymore." Saying it aloud was still hard, but was starting to get a little easier.

The slam of the door made me flinch and I looked over to it, then back up to the spiral. I knew the words would upset her. I didn't care anymore. They had to be said. She couldn't slip while she was here.

This is the life she dealt me. She needed to live with it.

* * *

"Lady Kisarei?" A soft voice came after what seemed like hours. Maybe I should have asked Hinata to stay.

No. No, I shouldn't have. I grabbed the fabric of my blankets and folded the fabric into my fists.

"Lady Kisarei?"

Not to mention, my clone was still missing. I couldn't remember a different perspective of the fight, which meant she was still out there somewhere, gathering more and more memories. I hadn't had one gone so long since...

Since Gaara had his episode where he didn't want to see me. Where was she?

"Lady Kisarei." This time the voice was more insistent so I looked over to Chuyo.

I flinched. Dark hair surrounded a black mask with a creepy etched-in-white smile. "The hell are you wearing?"

Her hand went to the mask. "Oh, this? It's all I could find. Or rather, it's all Lord Kazekage could find."

I stared at her. "Did he want to scare the hell out of me?"

"I... I don't think so, I..." She gripped the mask and removed it. Black smear marks littered her face. "He thought it would make me more presentable in case someone outside the household came into contact with me. I did see a strange woman with white eyes downstairs with the Kazekage, Yumi, and... Well, yourself."

I hummed. So Gaara had the clone. I took a breath. "Did he seem angry?" I held out my hand so she could help me up.

She grabbed it and helped me into a seated position. "The Kazekage?"

I sighed as she fluffed the pillows behind my back so I could rest. "Is there any other he around here?"

"Lord Kankuro is out and Lord Shinki is still away on assignment."

I scoffed. "The one I'm married to." I brought my hand to my chest to feel the comforting weight of the stone there. My lips twitched up. I was going to marry him, officially. I dropped my hands and cleared my throat, heat rising in my cheeks. "So is he mad?"

She shrugged. "It's the Kazekage."

My confusion showed as I felt my brows draw up. "Huh?"

She fully unraveled the strings of the mask and set it on the dresser near the window.

"Chuyo?" Was there something wrong?

She took a breath. "I am not sure I am good at my own job. He has been using Yumi more and more lately instead of me."

"Why...?" I let the question hang. Hell, I don't care. Chuyo was my attendant damn it, so she was my eyes and ears outside of this damned room. "You didn't answer me."

"I have no idea. I can't tell. I almost never can tell what he's thinking, or feeling, or..." Her arms went out, her hands up. "I don't know. I just don't know."

"You... You alright?" I stared at her.

Her arms fell to her sides and her shoulders slumped. She didn't answer me but instead sat in the chair at the window.

"Hey, Chuyo, you-"

"I keep messing up. Everything I do, I screw it up. I am still healing from trying to pick up the glass, I stained my face and can't be seen in public. I still don't even know how I landed this job. Me. I'm the third daughter of a tea shop owner. I'm supposed to be a nobody, and here I am supposed to take care of the Kazekage's wife and work with the elder's council and..." She trailed off and looked up. She remained silent for a few minutes.

I wanted to say something. Anything. I didn't want to say the wrong thing though, and half the time it's what I did. For once, I wanted to think it through. Chuyo was half useless at what she was doing, but she was my attendant, I was used to her and wanted to keep her.

"What is with the spiral on the ceiling anyway? I see both of you looking at it on and off."

I looked up and smiled. "That thing? Well, the real one is downstairs in the guest room. I..." I drew it on the ceiling. "I heard Naruto talk about it." I cleared my throat with those words. "Or, it's in his memories? Sometimes I forget." I brought a hand up to my head and scratched near my ear. "Anyway, he stayed here a while back and got bored so he drew it on the ceiling. He got caught though."

She hummed. "Is it the Hokage you have in common with Lord Kazekage?"

I stiffened. How to answer this one? I studied Chuyo, she kept her gaze upward, I assumed on the spiral.

Her eyes drifted down to me. "Am I wrong?"

I let out a breath. "No, not really. I mean, there's more to it than that, but yeah. It starts somewhere in there." I shrugged. It wasn't like I could tell her we used to both have demons, now could I? I shivered. Had. I brought a hand to my mouth as the contents of my stomach threatened to exit my body. Gaara died to have his removed. I almost died having mine, I...

"Lady Kisarei?" The chair scraped on the floor as I fought to keep from throwing up.

Hands went to my shoulders and the weight of what happened to me while I gave birth fully processed in my mind. What the hell? I talked about this, I was ok with this, I was- I was... My body trembled with the realization. This was stupid. "So dumb, so freaking dumb." My vision blurred. Why? Why now, in front of Chuyo did I have this sort of reaction? I even let Hinata know what happened to him.

What in the hell am I now? Why am I thinking this? "I'm sorry, Chuyo, I..." I trailed off. I meant to comfort her in some way, and this happens? The thought only made the tears come faster. I'm no longer a ninja. I wasn't Naruto, I wasn't anything. Kurama saved us by going into Kimi but doomed me to this. Whatever this was. "Damn, you think you aren't cut out for taking care of me? Hell, I have no idea what I'm doing. I can create a clone, like him." I choked on the last word. "But I fucking pass out every time. What the hell? What the hell? I don't know what I'm doing. I go out, I wave and smile and... I don't know. Damn it Chuyo, I don't know."

The hands on my shoulders left and arms wrapped around me. I stilled. "Lady Kisarei, I'm sorry. I forget sometimes you are new to this as well." She tightened her hug.

I hugged her back. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to say something. "Do you know anything about the Lady of Suna? I do need to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do with my life."

She left the hug, a soft smile on her lips. She grabbed my hand with both of hers. "I will help get some information for you." She took a deep breath. "Though I think being so vulgar isn't becoming of a Lady." She smiled wide.

I laughed. I laughed hard.

Then my head went fuzzy. A flood of memory crashed into me and I held my head with a light groan. Wow, I got a little unused to this. Chuyo said my name, but I held up a hand and closed my eyes. "Hold on." I wanted to see, while the memory was fresh.

The memory came jumbled, being awake and doing other things always diminished the clarity. I remembered the fight, standing between Hinata and Gaara and... I covered my ears. "Shh."

Gaara grabbed my hand then took me out of the door, dragged me down the stairs, and... Focus. I took a breath as I worked at clearing my mind. I needed to...

* * *

The sand bit into my wrist. "Come on, slow down will ya? I can't keep up."

The sand tightened, making me hiss with the pain of it and we moved even faster.

"Gaara, wait, will you just-"

He spun on his heel and I jerked to a stop. A single finger pointed at my face, he coming no more than five feet away from me. "You." He stressed the word, his lips thin and brows tight. "You are not human. A copy. I would drag you through the desert until you get it into that skull of yours not to keep doing this if I knew it would work. Why?" The hand he was pointing the finger at me with flexed and he spun back around. "No." He continued on.

My heart caught in my throat as we bounded down the stairs. I pissed him off. Shit. I had to half-run to keep up with him. I looked at his feet. He was merely walking at a faster pace. Another reminder of how small I was. Great. The sand jerked at my wrist harder once we got to the lowest level and I fell onto the couch. The sand dissolved from my wrist.

He pointed at me again. It took a moment before he breathed out a "Stay."

I tried to flash him a smile in compliance, but he turned and bumped the wall.

The wall shifted and another staircase became visible. What the hell? How many stairs was there in this place, and where in the hell was he going? I wanted to call out to him to see, but my voice caught in my throat. If I angered him enough to get rid of me, I wouldn't find out, now would I?

A few minutes later I heard a small commotion followed by his return, with Yumi this time. I waved at her. "Hey, Yumi." I smiled my widest smile. I'm fine. Great. Nothing at all to worry about.

"Lady Kisarei?" She stared at me, then looked back to the Kazekage.

He pointed at the couch. "Sit."

Why did he have to get her? "Do I always need a babysitter?" I crossed my arms and leaned back into the couch. I didn't want to sit. I wanted to stand, stretch my legs, take advantage of this clone body. Actually, why was I sitting?

"Yes." His voice was low and he fell into the chair across from me and he brought his hand up to his face. He let his hand fall, and he looked at me. "You are not conscious, there isn't time."

"Time for what?"

He looked away.

Yumi cleared her throat.

"Lady Kisarei? Is everything ok?" What? "Lady Kisarei?" Chuyo.

* * *

I dropped my hands from my ears and looked at her with a sigh. Well, damn. The clarity fell away, and the memory settled into my own. "Chuyo, you..." I trailed off.

Wait. My hands went to my mouth and my breath caught. Damn. Oh damn. A single phrase caught in my memory. I let my hands fall. "You need to keep me awake. Gaara is going to leave in a couple of hours and he's going to bring Kimi by before he goes."

It didn't matter. My issues, my irritation, Hinata. All of it didn't matter.

"Is something wrong?"

I grabbed her hand. "It's Shinki, he's been hurt." Images of him staring at me with the same expression as his father floated in my mind. "Bad."

I didn't hear what she said after.

Gaara's son was injured. A memory of him sitting in his chair, sand floating around his body as he spoke of what little he knew about it sifted into my mind.

I swallowed. If he were to meet with the person to injure him, it wasn't going to be pretty.

They hurt Shinki. They should have researched the connection, and if they had done their research beforehand, they deserved his wrath.

For once, I hoped he did see whoever did this, and I hated myself for the thought.


End file.
